Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

There is nothing odd about this at all. It is fine for a mum to want to see her son alone and it be just the 2 of them. What difference does it make to you? You see her soon and it's obvious your husband knew you'd make a big deal of it which is why he kept quiet. This isn't about you, it is about her and him and their own special relationship.

OP, call me petulant but I'd also be thinking seriously about going (or not) at half term now. The dogs are one thing, but this 'secret' would seriously p*ss me off.

You live with the man and you're trying to discuss this by text, while he's working?

I think the secrecy is a problem, and shouldn't be discounted. Thinking that his own job is more important and making you move somewhere else is nuts and equally problematic. And you move, Op! Why do you do it? What if you said no?

I’m married to a bunch of cagey fuckers

This made me smile!

The crazy thing is, MIL is very much not usually a cagey fucker. (Dh very much is!) Mil is the village noticeboard, I once gently said to her "would she want me knowing this" last time she told me all about SIL's urinary infection. Discreet, MIL is not.

Honestly, I'd be wondering if he wanted to meet with his mother to talk about his marriage and plans going forward.

This is the core issue.
And if my husband had form and tried to gaslight me it wasn't, then pissed off wouldn't even touch it.

In fact, I would think we actually had a really big red flag in our marriage.

OP, please listen to your gut which is deeply unhappy with this, and lean into what it means to you.

If he dismisses or denys that he lied by ommission, in your place I would 100% start to question him, his honesty in the marriage, and his commitment to the marriage.

It's small red flags like this that women overlook but realise were actually very important, when bigger shit hits the fan.

I am married a long time, and honesty is absolutely core to respect and trustfulness in it.

I think you realise this and that is why you are so upset.

He needs to be told this, because it is 100% damaging your marriage.

Do you none of the mums on here saying it is not on enjoy time alone with just one of their children?
We have always done this and always will, it doesn't mean I won't love my grandkids. Now they are older DC go and see their gran on their own too, we all have individual relationships to enjoy as well as family ones.

No one cares that they had lunch together as mother and son. That's not the issue. The issue is he lied about it, had no intention of telling her and is now making out that it's completely normal to not mention it.

I sent him a couple of texts in a row just after i put the phone down to mil, this morning at 10am. "Why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch", "would you have told me if I hadn't called her" etc.

Then I thought about it and texted just before starting this thread, saying I'd go to my meeting on the 30th after all, so he could have more time with his mum. I did say in that message that I hate weird secrecy, and spontaneous strange behaviour, but he already knows that. I have a family member who I'm LC with on my side due to (much worse) antics and I mentioned that he was reminding me of her. He just said that's fine if thats what I want to do for half term.

I'm happily daydreaming about the child free weekend I'll be having. I might get a massage

You are getting a hard time @Icannotwriteonit This would irritate me too. If Mil rang DH & asked to meet for lunch, he checks diary & says yes that fits in great with my day. He’d completely forget to tell me, as it would have gone out of his head by time he got home. If he had to rearrange something with me to facilitate it (changing wfh days) there’s no way he wouldn’t say why. & I’d be calling him secretive too if he did deliberately hide it.
Again; meeting his mother without me - perfectly fine. The secrecy for no reason - not fine.

That sounds like my MIL. I once had to ask her if I needed to know that her great niece had started her periods. No sense of privacy (I've been on the receiving end) much as I love her.

@Icannotwriteonit you are getting a strangely hard time on here.

It’s very unusual to do a nine hour round trip for lunch.

And that makes it strange that your DH didn’t mention it.

However, I would assume that there was some other reason she needed or wanted to be in London for the day and wants to keep that reason private.

She then used the opportunity to see her son but threw in the 1-1 remark as she suddenly felt guilty that she hadn’t invited you too, or needed an excuse why she hadn’t invited you.

I think if the purpose of the trip had been purely the lunch then she’d have arranged it on a day when your DH was not working from home so he didn’t have to rearrange his plans.

She obviously wasn’t hiding it from you because she didn’t hesitate to mention she was seeing him while you were on the phone.

Your DH however has been weird by not mentioning such a big change from the normal routine.

If it was meant to be being kept a secret I would have thought his mother would have known that it was, wouldn't have mentioned it to you, and you would know nothing about it.

My D but nitwitted H is quite capable of thinking he'd already told me his week's plans and not saying anything about something as important as "I am going out on Wednesday evening and will need to eat before 6:15" until i asked him this morning what he'd like me to buy for supper today while I was out at the doctor's and shopping afterwards. I was lucky he mentioned needing to eat it by 5:45 when saying what he'd be cooking for himself!

Also, are you quite certain her trip was only to see him? Nine hours travel to have lunch with someone you'll see shortly seems a bit excessive, not to mention expensive. The lunch with him might be incidental to something else she came down to London to do, and he wasn't sure she'd want you to know about it before she had the results of whatever it was so he said nowt about it.

(I haven't read the full thread yet but I thought I'd give you my immediate reaction before anyone else influenced it.)

I don't think anyone has said it's not on for a son to have lunch alone with his mum?

It is very odd for him not to have mentioned that to his wife, especially in the rather extreme circumstances of mum's travel arrangements.

I would be horrified to think that my DS was keeping any of my interactions with him secret from his wife. Or any secrets. I want him to have a happy and successful marriage, and that's not the way to do it.

I hope she "gets" that it's nice to have him to myself occasionally, without being offended.

My eldest son is only (nearly) 17. I will be absolutely delighted if he has a partner and family one day. I'll also be delighted if I get the chance to have a one on one meal with him on occasion.

There would be no need to tell all the family about a meal would there? I'm not suggesting OPs husband shouldn't have told his wife about meeting MIL - he should have generally unless he forgot, but telling wider family (e.g. other siblings) would be unnecessary I think. It would be like going out with a friend and telling them about your lunch with another friend the other day. Not a secret but unnecessary and not particularly helpful.

Also, are you quite certain her trip was only to see him? Nine hours travel to have lunch with someone you'll see shortly seems a bit excessive, not to mention expensive.

No, I know nothing at all. If mil had to do something else in London, that's none of my business and I would have zero curiosity about that. I mean I hope she's ok obviously but unless she wants my support with whatever it is, I'd rather not know.

What does it matter? He is not accountable to you for every single move he makes every day, nor you to him.

In that case why are you "not feeling particularly affectionate towards mil at the moment" ?

I'm honestly not being goady, just a bit confused!

I suspect this is what a lot of us are thinking, especially as it sounds like the MIL was maybe unaware that you didn't know and then became cagey about it.

Or any secrets. I want him to have a happy and successful marriage, and that's not the way to do it.

This is my opinion too. In my book, a good relationship requires trust and intimacy (not just physical). That means sharing the more remarkable stuff going on.

What really irks me is that I do share everything im thinking and feeling with dh, and he says he likes that, and he shows curiosity and interest. But for him apparently intimacy is a one way street.

Just last night before we went to bed, we were having a big heart to heart about something else, basically I was remembering about this time I was very ill (nearly died) and got emotional about how it could have gone worse and then we wouldn't have had DS. He was really supportive and affectionate with me. But he doesn't share whats on his mind.

I suppose it's possible isn't it. Not very nice for me to think about. We've been together for 16 years

He doesn't sound very nice.
Doesn't respect your job, thinks his is more important?
Displaces you when working from home?
He's certainly no gentleman.

Be very very careful.
My spidery senses would be wondering what else he is sneaky and dishonest about?

First off would be what way are your finances?
How are they shared?
Do you have eyes on everything?

It may make be a bit of an outlier, but to me financial dishonesty, is far worse that cheating.

Financially being screwed over can change your life forever, whereas people do move on from a cheating marriage and have good lives.

His sneakiness reveals a lot about his character.
Do you really feel you know him?

Blimey @Icannotwriteonit you're getting a hard time off the oh so cool people .

I'd have been gutted. But reading between the lines your dh is a bit of an arrogant arse. I'd probably have sudden d&v just as he's about to set off with dcs. A week of bliss! 😉

I've had 2 mils both deceased. Adored both. But they or dh1 and dh would never have done this.

People are often hypocrites. I’ve heard people say loads of times ‘oh why lie, I’d have been fine if they’d just been honest’ only to then see them be just as miffed when someone is upfront with them about something. you say you wouldn’t have been put out or nosy if he’d told you but reality you prob would have been. People kid themselves. I’m sure I’m the same.