Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

The fact he changed his WFH day suggests it was to fit in with his mother’s plans. Her travelling 9 hrs may not just be to take lunch with DH, even if OP thinks this is ‘adorable’ and ‘sweet.’ (Can’t remember exactly what patronising word OP used to describe this little old lady travelling to see her son - aww, how cute? 🙄)

The fact that they sometimes meet up for business purposes, but OP never asks about it or has any interest/discussion, as she is not nosey? whatsoever, is perhaps why it did not occur to your husband to tell her. OP seems intent on emphasising she never enquires or intrudes, but is then surprised when she is not consulted. Which is it?

Seems like OP is trying to find an excuse not to spend all of half term at the in laws, with her children.

Also, 3.5 hours from North London is not necessarily, ’ Up North!’ 😅

Op meant more north than London, I guess? 🙄

Being a couple doesn't mean that the two people need to know everything about the other person and stop being individuals. 'I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way.' That's an over-reaction right there and honestly quite childish. I know it comes from disappointment but really it can be quite smothering to feel you have to explain every move you make and maybe he wants to have some privacy sometimes, not because he has anything to hide but just because it makes one feel just a little bit independent and grown up!

I think you took this a bit too personally. Do you know for certain she didn’t have anything else she wanted to do in London? Maybe she had an appointment at 11am and it just made sense to meet after. If she came down specifically to have the discussion it was probably something important like a will, business issue or health problem.
I know you were talking about unexciting things the day before but meeting my mother in my lunch break is really not something I would feel I needed to tell my husband about.

It wouldnt be weird to me until they made it so suspicious. I love having my sons 1 on 1 because we can chat for hours about everything. I dont sulk though or insist on regular times it just happens every so often. Does your husband keep a lot of things from you?I hope you get a better explanation of why your husband had to keep it so secret. Your MIL doesnt seem to have known it was a secret meeting. Apart from being unwilling to name the restaurant. Its all very odd.

Can't you just say "hey, am I being daft for being paranoid? Have I done something wrong or is this just you and your mum needing time together?"

Then whatever his answer is, you accept it and forget about it.

I’m not sure whyhe isn’t allowed to see his mum without telling you?

From your first post:

"I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way."

So that's why so many of us see your response as a bit petulant/slightly punitive. You don't think you actually feel that way, though, and you know yourself. But you're obviously upset.

I can't begin to know why he didn't tell you, but I can guess how your MIL might feel. I love both of my SILs, but I very much miss the times before their marriages when my girls would meet me for breakfast, some shopping, or a few hours just talking. They've both said they miss that, too. It's hard to work something out to accommodate everyone's schedules, and when we do manage to set up a visit, my husband will usually decide he wants to go too. So no girl talk, no grousing about husbands or MILs or "female" stuff. I miss that one-on-one quality time.

I think if I was you I would want to find out more about this "investment business" and what exactly this entails. Perhaps you should start asking more questions. Very odd that your dh would not mention this strange visit. You don't want your husband risking your financial stability.