Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

I would wonder if it is something else like her attending a medical appointment or that they want to talk about her dh and does not want to do it in front of him or something. I don't think that it is a reflection on you.

Have you ever wanted to see someone or do something and just you, not the wife or kids wanting to add stuff on or take time to explain things? This really isn't about you.

I don't think it's a big deal that he didn't tell you. Maybe she has something she wants to say to just him. Or have lunch with her son.

I sure wouldn't be so put out I'd think about cancelling your visit later on.

It is a bit odd. Why didn’t she come and stay over? Why weren’t you invited to lunch?

I don’t really see ‘alone time’ with my parents as a thing. My husband is always welcome and same with his parents.

We do naturally get ‘alone time’ when we chat on the phone, or pockets of time when we visit each other, but it’s just natural, I’m not looking for special time.

I think it’s strange to travel they far and then not see grandkids too!

Weird about the time alone with him comment, too. That would play on my mind. I would just suggest he goes to see her at half term on his own and you can stay with the kids and plan some lovely things with them without having to do the travelling or see MIL. She then gets him 'on his own' for the week, too. Weird.

The whole thing would annoy me. And the secrecy too.

Yes that is a more positive spin. Thank you, i need to come up with some good reasons that aren't to do with me.

But I'm not even nosy, if dh had just said "my mum is coming to London tomorrow to have lunch with me, she wants to talk about something private" I'd have asked no questions except "oh I hope she's ok, give her my love".

For example, she has a sort of investment business that she's handing over to dh and his siblings and they sometimes meet about that. I don't ask any questions about it.

Thank you, this is exactly 100% how I feel. Maybe I shouldn't be reacting like this, but this is my reaction nonetheless

My first thought was that she had something to say that she wanted to share first with him, eg health news, money stuff. It's a bit odd, certainly, but I wouldn't assume it's anything to do with you at all.

I was so thrown, I didn't know how to respond to MIL, so I said "oh how lovely, are you eating anywhere nice?" Literally just because we often talk about nice restaurants as a topic of conversation, so I thought she'd say "we are checking out the new Italian on xyz street" or whatever. Instead she had a weird tone of voice and said "somewhere near his office". As if I'd turn up or something! I've got 2yo DS in tow on a Wednesday!

So, it might be worth reading nack what you've written here and thinking about how you've reacted and why - this bit of your post indicates you might have taken this as a personal slight against your company, when its actually quite normal to want to spend time with someone you love one on one: 'I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way.'
I understand you are still in surprise mode, but your response so easily could have been just something like this:
'huh, actually now I think about it, they dont get much one on one time, Im surprised he didnt tell me but maybe he felt a bit awkward about how to tell me in case i accused him of leaving me and the kids out, no matter, il just reassure him its totally fine if he wants to meet up with his mum alone'
Maybe thats why he didnt feel like he could tell you? I am picking up on maybe a backstory here though - are there existing tensions in your relationship or the ones with your in laws that is influencing how you feel about this?

Don’t over react. One day you might want to have lunch with your child alone. You say you’d be fine but the way you are stropping about and don’t want to visit on a planned holiday suggests exactly why your husband didn’t say. It’s not a big deal. Stop making it one! Chill

This is probably it, but still... I'm really hurt that they'd think I'd be nosy or intrusive. I'm honestly not. Other people's health or business is not something that I ever try and find out about.

And I would never ever ever just show up at a restaurant where people are meeting for lunch! Dh knows me, I absolutely hate surprises or spontaneity or anything like that.

I was even a bit thrown when he announced with 5mins warning that he was changing his wfh days, but if he'd told me it was because his mum was coming to see him, I'd have understood.

I honestly think this is not about you, and that having lunch with his Mum has bypassed his brain if he's going into the office. She may well have something she wishes to say to him. Perhaps she's not well and wants to tell him. I'm currently having medical investigations for cancer and I'm wondering how and whether to tell my adult children. One of my DC has a lot of anxiety and MH issues and I don't know whether to mention it - and yet if I don't I can hardle tell the others, which means I might not tell any of them. If it is something like this it seems reasonable that she didn't want to tell him whilst the GC were around for half term. It's not a conversation to have in the kitchen whilst they are fighting over the remote in the sitting room.

Deciding you don't want to go there at half term is a massive overreaction. I can't picture why you would think this?

My son lives 5 hours from me. I'm going up tomorrow for a few days. I like his DW, a lot, and I enjoy spending time with them both. I do miss not having any 121 time with him though. Not because I want to talk about anything she shouldn't hear, but becuase I'd like to spend time with him, and I suppose because if there is anything he can't say in front of her (I don't think there is), I'd like to give him an opportunity.

A bit like I like my best friend's DH, but I wouldn't want him to be there every time we meet up.

I wouldn't make a nine hour trip just to have a couple of hours with him and I would be very uncomfortable about it being a secret. That said it seems like she didn't know it was a secret?

DP (not DS's Dad) has suggested I go for breakfast alone with him one day, but I'm not sure how to suggest that without offending DIL, which is not my intention at all.

I would feel the same way, OP.

I'd feel that way because:
"alone time" - feels pointed
not telling you where they are eating feels purposeful and like they are actively excluding you
Husband not having told you again feels pointed and exclusionary

One of these things could just be bad luck but they stack up and it's hard to see it as anything else, for me.

I'm afraid, as a stubborn and rather petty person, I'd be well out of the next visit.

He does see her alone though, for business occasionally, and I'd be totally fine with him doing it more often. Genuinely, I would consider joining them a chore. It's the secrecy that really annoys me.

I find it really weird and very controlling of you that you are so put out by your husband wanting to have lunch alone WITH HIS MOTHER that you’re threatening to cancel half term. It’s such an over reaction, no wonder he didn’t tell you.

Imagine in 30 years time if your child wanted to have lunch alone with you and their partner behaved like this. Red flags a-gogo…

Just stop. Let them have lunch together and stop stropping and making it about you.

He had lunch with his mother and didn’t mention it. He didn’t have an affair or hide gambling debts.
You are threatening to not visit and posting about them on social media. Perspective needed here.

I completely totally get that she misses having 1-1 time with him. Completely. The 9h round trip i consider eccentric but lovely and adorable.

It's literally just the secrecy that I hate. I had lunch with Ben yesterday and we literally talked about the most banal stuff, he had the whole time to mention it.

Nothing is cancelled. I'm saying he could go with the kids without me.

My current plan, that I've texted him, is I'll go for 3 days and come back on my own, leaving him and the kids there for the rest of the week. Goodness knows I could do with a break from parenting, and i can catch up on some work that way.

And they can catch up on 1-1 time.

Yeah I don't get the overreaction. Maybe it just slipped his mind.

I'm also finding your reaction a little OTT. So he's having lunch with his mum and didnt tell you, so what? Do you have to run all lunch plans past him? Why are you taking it so personally?

You are, quite deliberately, punishing both of them for daring to make plans without your knowledge or permission. That’s not a healthy reaction.

I am not controlling. I have never ever stopped him, or even expressed disapproval of any kind, from seeing anyone, ever. Nor have I asked curious questions or anything.

You can't just keep secrets from your spouse for no reason, and then when they express surprise or disappointment about being lied to, call them controlling

How is it a punishment?

So you are throwing your toys out the pram and refusing to visit because she dared to want some one on one time with her son? Good grief.