Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

What a bunch of weirdos you've had on this thread OP.

You are totally not wrong, this is bizarre behaviour.

LTB

This is an emotional affair that is heading towards being physical, if it hasn't already.

Sorry OP couldn't resist that MN knee-jerk.

But truthfully there is no danger in this particular incident. Your MIL even told you, so she definitely isn't in on it.

It does, however, sound to me as though your DH is being purposefully distant about his arrangements, and you more or less admit this isn't the first time. The thing about his More Important Job also suggests a level of disdain, and that, I think, is problematic and rightly would annoy you. But DON'T fuel that by overreacting about the wrong things. Throwing a strop and not going at HT makes you look like the pita. Keep your cool and you will be in a better position to explain that not looping you in makes you feel like one of the dc, not his wife.

I understand why this would grate op, however I am going to say - to help not hurt, honestly - I suspect very strongly you react immaturely to things and that might be part of why he keeps a bit aloof. Try to play this one maturely. You have a point, so make it in a way that doesn't undermine you.

Posters on here are bonkers - it’s insane to travel four and a half hours for a one hour lunch.

If the DH had needed to discuss something privately with his mother he has lots of time and space to have multiple private phone calls or video chats. There’s no way he was summoning his mother to a one hour lunch and making her do a nine hour trip for a private conversation.

If the trip was purely to have lunch with DH there’s no way he wouldn’t have mentioned it - most people would find it strange enough to remark on - I’d be worried if my parent decided to do this.

Mother of a son, i'd do this in a hearbeat. Let them be, this isnt about you. I think its lovely, she just wants some time with him.

Sorry to derail OPs thread (fwiw I don't think she is being unreasonable that the secrecy is weird!)

But I just wanted to say how valid your feelings are. Maybe a bit late to suggest a plan for this visit if you think your DS and DIL might already have made plans? But definitely suggest it for the future.

I have a real thing about fostering healthy close relationships with the people you are closest too, without having to involve their partners. I think it stems from having parents who separated and then remarried in my late teens. My (now ex) stepmother, in particular, wasnt a nice character and I really hated that she knew things about me that I only wanted my dad to know, and that she got to have his ear and give her opinion on me - made me feel so naked and vulnerable.

Now, I am very aware of ensuring both mine and DHs parents get time with us without the other being present. I love my in-laws and theres lots of mutual respect and affection in all directions; that doesn't mean it's not nice to let mother and son/father and daughter have their time together. Both of our dads have serious health issues and, whilst everyone knows that DH and I are aware of each others dads issues, I still think its nice to give someone the privacy to share the news directly with the people they care about most and not have to tell the in-laws themselves if they dont want to.

At the end of the day, well formed bonds between parent and child run deep and it cheapens the meaning of them to say that they must be extended to encompass a partner too. You might even find DIL feels happily released from the "obligation" of having to entertain you for the whole visit too! So could work for everyone. Have a lovely time seeing them.

I agree it's unusual, but insane? I've travelled 4 hours for a concert or a sports event, why not for lunch with my son? That makes more sense really.

I think your post should be required reading on MN!

The kicking that goes on in some threads, is so awful and tedious.

Yes, but you'd be surprised to learn he was meeting up with you and not telling DW, surely?

Goodness me.
Get over yourself. The woman just wants to have lunch with her son. Why can’t they see each other without you there? Visiting together is not the same as thrm chatting one to one. I think it’s rather lovely.
There must be a reason why he didn’t want to tell you- it must be because he knew you’d make a big deal out of it being a 9h round trip and why can’t he wait for all of you to go together blah blah

I guess because the concert and sporting events are one off specific focused days out.

I can certainly imagine driving the distance to see my daughter if I’d not seen her a long time and this was my only option but if I was seeing her shortly for a whole week and also can phone and FaceTime for as long as I like between times then I don’t think I’d do this just for the lunch.

However if I had a day planned in the city she lived I’d certainly take the opportunity to make sure we met up - which is probably the more likely situation in this scenario.

So then we are back to the DH not mentioning it at all.

It’s very odd and I’d be a bit gobsmacked/possibly annoyed at the secrecy BUT take care not to overreact to this.
I would certainly go to visit them at half term - YOU will look very odd and petty if you don’t.
During half term take your MIL out for lunch or coffee and tell her gently how your H keeping it secret made you feel and see her reaction. It sounds like MIL wasn’t keeping it a secret - she told you she was meeting him and probably thought H would have told you.
I don’t think it’s a MIL problem tbh it’s a H problem.

If he simply needed time to talk to his mum privately, he can phone her at lunchtime on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday. Wednesday is typically the only day we arr both at home (he wfh, my day off with the 2yo). She is self employed and winding down for retirement. Plenty of opportunities in the week for a private phone call.

So I dont think it's a "help me escape my marriage" chat.

"I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way."

If my child ever marries someone this passive aggressive, I will also be prepared to do a 9 hour journey just to see them alone.

No need to explain it away, it's super odd.

Some blokes do withhold info and it becomes a habit.
Does he also do the thing where if you ask him a question purely for information, not judgement (so that you can act on the answer - eg are the bins out? If not you can add another bag) he answers as if he is defending himself? (eg: you - did you put the bins out? Him - I've just been raking the leaves and putting the washing on'. You. <okaaay>)
Anyway, I find those two traits go hand-in-hand.

Does he have a 'fight or flight' response to things and think you are going to give him a hard time if he gives the 'wrong' answer?

I’m sorry you’ve had so many weird comments OP. It does sounds more like it’s your DH who is being the secretive one here, but either way, I would feel really puzzled if this happened to me.

It’s not quite the same, but my MiL visited in the summer unannounced (not a problem, just for context) with other members of DH’s family, and as they left, she took me aside and made a comment about how it meant so so much to DH’s family member to see DH … it was so pointed, that it felt really odd - like they think I am keeping DH from his family or something. Which I’m definitely not.

I realise this is a bit of a weird anecdote, but I suppose the point is that it was such an strange comment, that I felt quite bemused about why she would take me aside to say it, and it did play on my mind for quite a while. I think it’s understandable that this is playing on your mind too

Come on! OP is still going to visit her MIL but will leave earlier than originally planned in order to attend a work meeting. Her DH and MIL will have more time together and her children will still spend the same amount of time with their grandmother. How on earth is that 'straight out of the abuser's handbook'?

DH is the one being odd here. When OP expressed surprise when he changed his working from home day, he didn't even think to mention that it was because he was going to meet his mum for lunch on his usual working from home day. He was definitely being secretive.

Your reaction to it is not nice - I can see why he didn't tell you.

he's just discreet to an extreme extent. He doesn't mention stuff unless you "need" to know
So this is just normal for him then?
MIL has been open with you. She would expect him to have been open with you too.
I'm sorry you've had a rough deal on here OP. It is DH's behaviour that is a form of control - telling you things at the last minute, or indeed not at all. Knowledge is power,as they say.
It is a difficult trait to live with.

Yes, it is the DH's behaviour that is odd here.

I think poor MIL is acting in good faith and with no agenda and is probably horrified if she thinks she has caused upset.

Well she definitely doesn't think it is that or I seriously doubt she'd have mentioned it to you.

I don't think you need to worry about the content or motivations of the meeting Op.

I do think there is an issue with him not telling you things. He should, but I also wonder if you are harming yourself there by getting very reactionary if and when he does. That isn't to exonerate him being secret squirrel though.

It’s an odd one but I’ll probably want some time with my children alone when they are grown up & have their own families. I think it’s quite nice they are meeting, my husband would never meet his mum for lunch - I feel quite sorry for her.

I dont think its odd, but i dont know your circumstances or relationship. I just know i would do it happily although maybe include a nights stay sonewhere so i didnt have such a long journey. You never know she may have some news or something private to talk to him about.

I cherish time alone with my son's even a phone call. DH is put out if he finds out so I just don't tell him. I think he suffers from FOMO. Him being around just changes the dynamic.

It odd he didn't mention it. The fact that u r visiting at half term is irrelevant as it won't be one to one time.

You're being weirdly controlling OP. He and his Mum wanted to have lunch together, just the 2 of them. What if he'd told you and you'd said "ooh lovely, I'll come too", then he'd have had to find a way of saying no without upsetting you (which, judging by your reaction on this thread, would have been quite a challenge).

DHs and MILs can't get it right on MN. If they expect to spend time all together the wives moan, if they meet separately the wives moan.