Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

It's not just lunch. It's a 9h odyssey across the length of the country and back in one day - isn't that remarkable enough to warrant a brief mention?

Maybe she's changing a will, or doing a bond or wanting to discuss inheritance or sounding something like that out with him.

His mum obviously thought you knew because she was surprised when you didn't. Shes obviously not hatching up some devious plan to leave you out of things.
I'd put it down to male forgetfulness ,thougtlessness and a complete inability to recognise that things that are important to women to talk about are simply not on their radar. Dont ruin the halfterm break for you and your children.

I just want to put the Mum perspective as a possibility. I love my Sons’ parters dearly and we all meet up together as and when they can. I do also like some one to one time with my sons and I think they do too; nothing sinister and I’d definitely do something bonkers like a 10hr round trip as I’d think it wouldn’t impinge on their family time. He probably just didn’t think to tell you. It sounds like you’re lovely and I’m sure she thinks that too.

I can't imagine having lunch with someone (anyone) who'd travelled 9 hours to see me l, or anyone really, and it not coming up if I had lunch with DP. Some people must have very exciting lives if there's so much to talk about that rhat doesn't get a mention. How was your day "lovely actually mum popped down for lunch". Why wouldn't that get mentioned?

So I agree it's the secrecy, although clearly MIL didn't realise it was supposed to be a secret, so I wonder if DH knew this might be the response?

It’s not about you - they just want to spend time together. It’s not as if he is taking a day off & using up annual leave. He probably didn’t tell you as he knew you would make a fuss (which you are!)

Yes, I'm actually thinking now, that maybe an extreme day trip is the way to go, as it wouldn't be such an imposition as going to stay. Again, it wouldn't be a secret though.

I think you are exaggerating the secrecy here. His mum literally told you about it.

Assuming there is no background you haven't mentioned, I think you are in danger of turning something that is completely unrelated to you into something all about you in the most embarrassingly petulant way, eg you announce you're not going for half term because they all obviously don't want you around, and your husband explains that his mum wanted to tell him about some cancer tests and asked him not to tell anyone about it because it's very personal and she's not ready to talk about it more widely yet.

Thank you for understanding, this is exactly it. Our lives are very ordinary, so this is quite a remarkable (and sweet) thing she's doing. It stretches plausibility that he literally forgot to mention it. He changed his wfh day for it.

I don’t really see ‘alone time’ with my parents as a thing. My husband is always welcome and same with his parents.

Me neither, but the non-disclosure is a bit odd. My DH is very similar if his sister or daughter have been in touch, it all goes underground, which always smacks of 'something not quite right' yet anything relating to his son is completely transparent.

I've raised it in the past, only to be told "I get weird" about his sister and daughter, but my opinion is I only "get weird" because of the subterfuge.

You can't just keep secrets from your spouse for no reason, and then when they express surprise or disappointment about being lied to, call them controlling

It wasn't secret. His mom told you. Maybe he didn't think he had to fill you in on every detail of his day.

Yes, I would find this quite controlling. I certainly didn't have to run my schedule or anything spontaneous by my husband not did he do that with me. It's a lunch. With his mom.

My first thought was bad medical news. But you've managed to center yourself in this, a mother meeting up with her son for lunch. And you're overreacting to the point of cancelling a planned trip.

He's not forgetful. He deliberately didn't mention it and MIL had no idea he planned to do this. I think it's strange OP and it seems like yout thread has been invaded by MILsnet.

You sound lovely, OP. And totally normal. Unfortunately this thread seems to have attracted some unkind posters who are disingenuously interpreting your posts. I would step away from the thread now if I were you as sadly a pile on is likely to ensue.

Thank you for being so kind. It's really getting me down, the replies that say "you sound controlling" because I am the opposite, I never ask questions or show disapproval or anything. When he sees his mates I don't even ask "who was there?" I just ask "did you have a nice time" and either he shares details or he doesn't.

They are acting like I'm some kind of controlling wife keeping him prisoner and that couldn't be further from the truth, and i feel it is extremely unfair

I don’t understand your comment. Are people not supposed to have a differing in opinion to the OP. Are we supposed to have 100 comments of validation. This is a place for discussion and opinions is it not?

So when he changed his wfh day and OP had to reorganise to accommodate, you wouldn't think the fact that he was doing it to meet up with mum would get mentioned?. I'm going to change my day next week, mum's coming down. It would be more natural to say something than not to say something.

I think it's more likely something to do with him than his mother though.

I am not obviously being petulant, I don't think. There's a work meeting on the 30th that I can't go to due to half term visit, but now I've told dh I'll leave earlier so I can attend that meeting and he can spend more time with his mum.

By any objective measure, the people acting strangely here are them.

What’s making you sound controlling @Icannotwriteonit is your extreme reaction to the lunch not being mentioned and your decision to now reduce your engagement with, and time spent on, the half term visit because you’re in such a bate.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

This alone probably explains why he/they didn’t mention it…grow up.

You can't just keep secrets from your spouse for no reason, and then when they express surprise or disappointment about being lied to, call them controlling

He didn't lie to you. He didn't keep a secret. He met his mother for lunch without mentioning it to you. You are way overreacting to this entire thing. My guess is your husband forgot to tell you - big shock different people have different ideas as to what unimportant thing should be talked about. He may have thought the Holborn byelection was a more interesting topic of conversation than his lunch with mil. My husband could well do this.

You are punishing him. you are changing your plans to spend time with his family in reaction to him forgetting to tell you he was meeting his own mother for lunch - something that was clearly not a secret as his mother said it to you when you called her. I would be very upset if dh treated me as you are treating your husband.

So from his pov it’s a secret but from her pov it isn’t, as she mentioned it to you. That’s a bit odd. I would ask him further, but I wouldn’t be annoyed with MIL - it’s not her fault.

Ok you mean maybe he's got some secret he wants to tell his mum without telling me? Then he could have just said they had business to talk about, or not, I wouldn't have asked questions either way.

I agree. What's with all the deliberate vague-ness? I'm sure that you don't particularly want to go anyway, but it does all sound a bit odd.

It's a bit odd to go that far just for lunch. But when your DC are adults don't you think you might just want to see them on their own sometimes? It's not an insult to you.

I now don't want to go up north for half term

What an enormous overreaction. Bloody hell.