Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

Have you been a member of Mumsnet for long? Seems to be the form here that women are very quick to disagree.I think it’s very odd she’d make that journey and even more odd that you husband wouldn’t comment much the same 😳

It's good that you've had a proper talk about this now. I do think you've got very different communication styles and you're always going to have to work with that. I really don't see it as keeping things from you; in his position I think I'd be mildly annoyed with the feeling that I was supposed to check in and tell you where I am at all times (assuming all stuff around someone being there for the kids is sorted).

But a couple of things jumped out at me. One was the thing where he hadn't told you for so long it would then be awkward to tell you. I don't see why? I'd happily mention in passing to a partner that I'm having lunch tomorrow with Mum, even if we'd planned it was back. So is that him being his weird self, or him worrying he'll be in unfair trouble.

The other thing was thr 7 vs 9 hour disagreement. I do think that's relevant because the last hour across London is the tedious bit. Assuming she took a train or doesn't mind the drive. Given you'd been focussed on how long a round trip it is, I think it was a fair point. It makes a difference to the argument. TBH occasionally one just does a stupidly long day for the sake of it. Especially if you are winding down work and have the time. She's in a very different lifestage.

Anyway, that all sounds slightly harsher than I mean to be, but I think it's important to recognise that a lot of this is just people being different, and him using strategies to manage that difference within your relationship.

Hi OP, you sound lovely: self-aware, considerate and not at all controlling.

Your DH sounds hard work. You say yourself you have to pick info out of him like a whelk. Also, the lunch date with MIL sounds really odd, especially the timing if you were due to stay at her home within a couple of weeks and they could spend some time alone then (e.g. a lunch, a walk). I suspect there may be more to it (she needs to talk to him without FIL around - or risk of being overheard locally - or he needs to talk to her without you around).

That Ben would be mortified to know that one day he'd have a Very Important Job and buy his wife flowers when he'd pissed her off. That Ben used to play guitar.

It sounds like you’re making a lot of compromises and having to find solutions in your relationship. Your comments above (and your DH’s reason for not telling you and the need for you to vacate a joint workspace for him) suggest his needs and his job are dominating and impacting your relationship. What about your needs?

It could well be that your DH struggles to be open due to having a gossipy, indiscreet mother. But that’s his problem to fix. Failure to communicate openly and build trust chips away at a relationship. Preoccupation with work to the extent he forgets to mention certain things most people would mention chips away at a relationship.

Sounds like the ‘Ben’ you met and decided to be with used to be attentive, considerate and carefree. But he’s since turned into a career bore who shuts himself off from you. Of course, we all have to take responsibility and earn money as we get older and have a family. And work can be very stressful. But it’s important to strike a balance and not take a relationship for granted.

I suggest he needs to have a good think about the above. And you need to be honest with yourself about how much it really affects you. Sounds like you could both do with some therapy. People change, relationships grow and have to be reassessed. But, to be equitable, both people have to decide what they need and, if they think it still works for them, both have to work at it.

You’re having quite an extreme reaction to your husband meeting his Mum for lunch.
That may be why he failed to mention it?
Do you usually invite yourself along?
I meet my family members alone all the time, I don’t always want my partner to come along, nor do I always mention it.

In conclusion, I don’t think it’s that odd.

Mmm this would perplex me as well OP! It feels like secrecy rather than just omitting to tell you. I wouldn’t necessarily think the secrecy has anything directly to do with you though, or is a slight on you. The fact she’s coming to see just him and not you or the children suggests something a bit sensitive like a health issue or finances or other big news that’s on the down-low for now.

@Icannotwriteonit If someone put your feet to the fire and you had to pick one reason only why this happened, what would you say it was?

I wonder if you posted because there has been something on your mind wrt your relationship and this incident just sort of pushed you over the edge.

(I'm someone who thinks the incident is strange, I just can't work it out.)

I would not hesitate to do a 9hr round trip to have lunch with DS. Maybe he needs her, right now, for one reason or another?

Get your ducks in a row, OP.

FWIW I do think it’s odd that he didn’t say ‘I’m going to work from home Tuesday this week as mums coming to town Wednesday and it means I can have lunch with her’

It doesn’t sound like you have a problem with them having 121 time in fact would accommodate it.

However not everyone is wired the same or sees it the same way, so don’t take it to heart, just chalk it up to your husband being a bit thoughtless 🤪

Totally! This bit also had me raging… Man: (pronouncing voice) “I’m doing THIS today” Woman: (scurries about rearranging and downgrading self to meet proclaimed reality) “Ok darling”
He’d be doing his meetings on the loo if it were up to me. Because 100% it wouldn’t go like this if the genders were reversed… as ever zero communication unless it’s to assert needs. Fuck. That.

Just jumped here from the first page. And yes, the OP still seems DETERMINED to feel slighted!

If they don’t want you to know MIL wouldn’t have mentioned it. So doesn’t sound like a secret.

I wasn’t replying to the op

I agree with you and id be miffed too. I'm a normal person, like yourself. Id be hurt not to be told. It's a weird thing to do to someone you adore. I'd be annoyed at MIL's quip about 'somewhere near his work' too. There's never a need to treat you in an odd way. I'm not a dog person either so I get you there as well. Like I like some of them, I just hate when rude people don't train them not to invade your space or touch you without permission. Yet will moan that someone has encroached upon their dog's boundaries 😐 Yeah, no that's not me at all and I wouldn't want my kids around them just incase without me there.
You're allowed to feel your feelings but just make sure they're all directed at your husband. He's the dickhead here who caused all this unnecessary tension and hurt just by being selfish.

I think it's simply because he didn't think it was an important thing to pass on. Like it or not, men tend to have different priorities to women. And meeting his mum for lunch genuinely isn't one of them.

Your convo sounds exactly the kind of (to me) boring shit my DH would rattle on about on a rare lunch together, bless 'im. If I want family news I have to ask. But that doesn't mean he's a knuckle dragger, he is sensitive in other ways - like your DH not telling DC because they'd want to go see granny too. It's probably in a box labelled Do Not Mention in his mind. So he Did Not Mention it to you either, the berk.

I'd say your MiL has much more reason than you to be miffed, if she were that way inclined. Clearly, her 9-hour round trip to have lunch with him mattered so little to him, it didn't even register as newsworthy.

Unless there's something else bothering you in the background - cut everyone some slack, including yourself OP.

For goodness sake! You're reading far too much into this! Not everything is about you. The chances are he just didn't think about it. There's a big difference between "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to know" and "I didn't tell you because it just slipped my mind"!! Why are people so paranoid these days? 🤦🏼‍♂️ Life is busy, especially when working and having a family! Does he need to tell you when he does absolutely anything? "As I left work today I went to Costa's for a coffee", "At work I went out to the local cafe for lunch instead of the work's cafeteria", "When I walked the dog today I said hello to the neighbour down the street". That's a tiring life to have to lead! And not wanting to go and visit the ILs because of this is just plain ridiculous, and frankly, diva behaviour!

Exactly this! I'd guess he probably didn't "choose" not to tell her, he simply didn't think about it. It's not a big thing in the scheme of things, for him, meeting his mum for lunch, even if it's a big thing for her maybe, given the long journey, but if she enjoys travelling (some people will do anything for a drive or a trip on the train) or might not seem a big deal for her. If he did choose not to say, it might even be that he knew his mum might want some one on one time with him and thought his wife was likely to say "Oh, that's nice. Can I come too?" and he didn't want that discussion (given this.reaction to a probable innocuous lapse of memory, I think the reaction might have been extreme, if she was given a "No, sorry"....).

Perhaps you could have a whiteboard on the bedroom wall where he notes things that may warrant your attention, e.g. what he'd like for Xmas, wrote off car, second wife in Borneo, planning sex change.

🤣🤣🤣

It’s not reassuring when you hear over and over ‘I didn’t think to / I forgot.’ What these men are actually saying is ‘I didn’t think about you/ I forgot about you’ in this case, it’s also deliberate because he knew why he swapped wfh days, he knew he’d displace the op from the office, IF he thought about her at all, in the normal ways we think oh that will inconvenience my wife.

Make time for each other and forget the haters cling to your lovely family.

I would have immediately offered she stay over & travel back the next day. - Nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time with her son. When I have free time I spend it with my adult daughter. We don’t drive. I usually meet up with her somewhere central & we spend time together. Our journey is about 90 minutes.

I think the fact that they want to spend time together, just the two of them, is completely normal. The fact that he so clearly hid it from you is odd! He actually went to the effort of rearranging his days so he could meet with her, so it didn't slip his mind, it was an active omission. I'd want to know why.

yes, my immediate thought was maybe they wanted to talk about her husband, or another person and she needs advice (or is struggling in some way) not a reflection on you

Agreed, nice to meet, strange not to say