Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

It’s not even 4pm. I bet you do tell your DH about the swimming plus your neighbour news and DB news. And I bet you would tell him if your DM made a one off trip from Liverpool to London just for lunch, and that required you to change your wfh day, and that enabled a rare 1 to 1 lunch with you DH. Or do you just not talk to your DH?

Or D, he forgot that he hadn't mentioned it when he and his mum first made the plan because he told Dave who he plays squash with on a Wednesday because he wouldn't be able to make it and so remembered that he had told someone and forgot who... or is that just me?

@mrsm43s if your parents lived quite far away it would be a bit more of an event though, and become something a bit out of the ordinary that you'd mention.

Wishing he'd go by himself for half-term; offended they want alone time is all an overreaction, and possibly why he didn't mention it.

His mother has done a 9 hour round trip for lunch, which is no mean feat, so she obviously wanted time alone, and why not?
I usually see my parents together and with my daughter; but today my mom and I (no-one else) went for my birthday lunch together. If that upsets anyone, 🤷🏾‍♀️. She's MY mother.

1-1 time with the kids in tow? Not really 1-1 time is it. That just sounds like you’re throwing your toys out the pram.

It does sound a bit petulant, the way you phrased it. He doesn’t have to share all his plans with you, and I'm not sure why you decamped to give him the office when you usually have it. He didn’t tell you and maybe he had reasons, maybe he forgot, maybe he didn’t think it was important. The only person who can tell you the real reason is him.

Do you think he didn’t mention it because he’s worried if you knew and wanted to come he’d have to explain his mum only wants to see him? This sounds like something she has said to him over the years and he doesn’t want you to be offended by her. It’s a lot of effort to see him alone and it’s put him in an awkward situation as he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings nor hurt his mums feelings.

Who are all these loonies that wouldn’t tell their DP if their mum was batshit enough to spend 10 hours and £100 odd just to have lunch with them. What do they talk about that’s more significant? Or don’t they talk? Are they on phones instead? Or do they sit in silence nursing their secrets?

@Icannotwriteonit Yes, this is weird and a DH issue.

It wasn't the MIL that kept the lunch secret, it was the DH. From her POV there was no reason not to tell you about the lunch.

Who seriously re-arranges their WFH schedule, has plenty of spouse time and doesn't mention their mother is travelling 9 hours for a lunch only? And not staying over etc. There's literally not even two minutes to mention it?

I don't know what to think tbh.

Is he the sort to confide in her if he had an issue?

I do think this is odd and I would find it upsetting too. I'm glad you happened to talk to MIL and know that she didn't realise you didn't know, because at least you're aware now it's him being crap rather than a family conspiracy. I hope you get to the bottom of it satisfactorily. I think you've been given an unduly hard time here, but that's not unusual lately.

It doesn't feel like she necessarily said that though. I am not sure it's true she arranged this to have a one on one with him.

It's strange behaviour from you husband.

But most concerning is that he's so good and skilled at keeping secrets from you. He even reorganized his calendar behind your back to keep the secret. It's a red flag.

If it wasn't for you mil saying, would you have ever found out?

For me it's not about the lunch, but about his wish and abilities to keep secrets.

I wouldn't be able to trust him. Knowing the extent he'd go to for something very minor. He could be hiding anything big. He got these skills from somewhere.

But you’re not giving them more alone time. Your MIL said she wanted some alone time with her son, and your DH said he hadn’t announced it because the children might be upset not to see granny. So that suggests alone time is just them. Your reaction is to leave your parents in law, DH and your children at half term and give yourself alone time, while they get fewer opportunities to be alone without the children there because you’ve fucked off…

Absolutely, it would have been nice if he told you about the lunch. But it wasn’t a secret, and, as others have said, your responses on here, denying you are controlling or punishing them, seem to make it sound like you are doing both those things. Saying you’re not over and over doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Is it really a secret? He didn’t mention it, I don’t see what the issue is, my husband can have lunch with his mum without telling me, before or after and I wouldn’t feel angry or upset. Now I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me 😂

"They are acting like I'm some kind of controlling wife keeping him prisoner ...."

Who is the they? MIL didn't know anything about your husband not telling you about your lunch date so it can't be her and your husband? Is your husband a they/them?

You have said your husband is ultra discreet (about pretty mundane shit). Maybe he just lives in the moment like we are often encouraged to do. Perhaps your reaction should be "typical DH not telling me shit" rather than MIL hates me and wants to leave me out?

Many years ago I used to bristle at MIL - the things she said, the things she did and read into them/ take offence. With hindsight I can see it was never about me - she just loved her kids and grandkids and wanted to see them and spoil them. Not always compatible with what I wanted as a wife and mum but her behaviour was not about me it was about them. I expect nothing about this meeting (whether MIL needs to tell her son she has cancer or just wants to eat with him alone) is about you. Don't make it about you.

Cut your October trip short if you want. MIL will probably enjoy the time alone with her son - if she doesn't feel it us you throwing a strop to punish them for meeting. If she thinks you are leaving "because you don't want me here" I think she will be very upset.

If you have kids one day you will be a MIL so treat your MIL how you would like to be treated. Would you think it fair for a DIL/SIL to decide you didn't want them around and hold a grudge because you had lunch with your own kid?

I'm with you @Icannotwriteonit.
as a mum and gran I wouldn't want to do a round trip like that just to see ds I would want to see all of you. But if a dog or bitchy comment.
possibly something going on that they want to discuss - an illness/ fallout with DH?

Try not to let it get to you there's possibly more to it. I know lots will come on saying mil not done anything wrong but there was no need for secrecy making you feel rubbish.💐

I'm not sure why you decamped to give him the office when you usually have it.

Completely separate issue. That one is just the classic, dh considers his job Very Important so he's the one who takes the desk if we are both wfh. Not wanting to derail the thread with that one...i know he is BU there.

If it wasn't for you mil saying, would you have ever found out?

Yes, that's something that could lead you to wonder various things.

She assumed there was no secret about it (that DH would have said in advance of the day that they would be meeting up).
She realised that hadn't happened and then she also got cagey about where they were meeting.
Neither of those things merit cageyness, but somehow the penny flipped when MIL figured out that her son hadn't shared any of the plans with his DW. Both of them managed to close out OP subtly that way.

I’m with you OP. I think it’s weird secretive behaviour from your Husband.

I completely get that people think I'm overreacting by cutting short the half term trip. The simple truth is that I never want to go there. I do not like living with multiple dogs, the way they like the plates and sit on the sofas and have no recall etc. One of them recently bit a postman, I know it sounds made up but it happened. I'm so tense around them. Even my eldest dc knows that I dislike the dogs and everyone gently laughs at me for it.

I literally only go because dh finds it easier to handle both kids if I'm also there. And yes, MIL will get lots more alone time eith Ben if I'm not there. She'll get every evening once the kids are in bed. FIL can also play with the kids or give them breakfast, giving them some time. MIL would not think I'm punishing her.

Dh might think I'm punishing him, because he'll have to do the journey back without me. Well, he can suck it up and look after his kids solo for a day's journey, it won't hurt him.

@Icannotwriteonit Later in the thread you've said that your DH is inclined to be secretive and that you're sick of it. So if he does this regularly and it's part of his personality then it puts a different perspective on the whole thing. I'm not saying it's right though!

I agree with you fully OP. I’m married to a bunch of cagey fuckers who will travel huge distances for lunches 1-1 and then not mention it to other family members. When I say that, they will go somewhere without SIL, then lunch with her the next day. They won’t mention the massive road trips the previous day.

DH has done it a few times with his own mum, then I’m left wondering what I’ve done. I like my MIL enough to have lunch. As a family though they all love their alone lunches and secret catch ups.

They use it often to gossip about the others.

I cannot imagine being this weird with my own family, I just shake my head now and leave them to it.

It’s not you, you’re not controlling and I’d have done what you are about to do.

‘Fine, you have the kids and DH for a few extra days’ Careful what you wish for there 😂
I know I’ll then get the patronising ‘the kids are getting quite the handful’ comments after.

Mountain out of a molehill.

That's one of the things i texted Ben this morning. "Would you have told me if I hadn't called your mum?" He didn't respond to that part of my text. I also asked "is this something she's done before/regularly? I mean thats so nice of her but why not tell me?" Also tumbleweed.

It's nuts.

Yes, that's me asking multiple questions. No, I do not usually ask questions unless people act secretive and weird. If he'd just told me "my mum's seeing me for lunch", literally the only thing id be curious about is which new restaurant they'd try.

Someone else asked in the thread, would it have been an option to stay over? The answer is absolutely yes or not if she didn't want to, literally either would be fine. I'd have been delighted to cook for her, but also would understand if she had to get back due to the dogs or looking after my DN, just whatever.

I think you should stop worrying about the lunch for the moment and think about other aspects of your marriage and how you would like them to change.

Honestly, I think you are nuts to be upset about your dh not telling you about lunch - because that is well within the realm of normal/not hurtful to me. But I wouldn't be happy with having to give up my office because of dh changed his wfh day and felt he was more important than me - and dh wouldn't have dreamed of asking me to change or letting me change in those circumstances. Ditto that he can't handle both kids without you or that he will presume doing the journey with both of them is a punishment.