Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

On the one hand, yes it is a bit weird he hasnt mentioned it. but every single reply from you I read, I can also see why. Maybe you are controlling and vindicative despite thinking the opposite. You are psyching yourself up about it, on the one hand you mention you will not stop him but then throw "well now Im going away for 3 days and they can have them all to themselves", it's not really normal is it.
If you have form for it, which you clearly do, maybe he didn't tell you, because he knows that you are raging about tiny details and need to know everything about everything. He already is buying you flowers which again you say is the norm if he needs to apologise- or if he knows this is what you expect because it happens frequently. There is something a bit weird about the way you write, like you seem to think you can't do no wrong, and the poor man is enabling that to get some peace.
it does not seem like it is a 'success' on the board, I genuinely feel sorry for your husband, you sound obsessive.

Mountain and molehill spring to mind.

The way you portray yourself on here I can understand why he may have kept quiet.

I honestly wouldn't be staying with someone who was so emotionally disinterested in sharing day to day stuff with me that it had got to the point of him having to keep a list on his phone. The fact he genuinely stood there and argued it was only 7 hours and not 9 is also giving me the ick. Hopefully you've found a way forward that works for you but it still all sounds very one sided.

I also agree with previous posters and suspect many posters on this thread have just created their own narratives so they can kick you whilst your down. It's amazing how some have come to such fantasy conclusions based on your responses. I would continue to ignore them.

I read your responses, OP, but failed to see that there was a second page of them. Having read your latest update, it now seems that your DH is just a terrible, terrible communicator. Some of my family are like this. You sound like a born communicator. I am one, too.

I hope that DH works on this, because it's upsetting you - understandably, imo. Bad communication is unromantic, ultimately, because it disrupts the free-flow of intimacy between you. And most women need to feel that flow in order to want sex. (Not all, but the majority, I'd bet.)

Ignore the negative posters who try to pathologise you and insult you for perfectly rational feelings. They're on every thread. Someone wrote that you sound unhinged. You didn't in the slightest. Not in the least. If there's nothing wrong with what you wrote, no problem - people just make it up!

Hope your DH works on his communication issues.

JFC OP couldn't care less about her DH meeting up with his mum for lunch. She is happy for them to spend time with each other. She does care about the completely unnecessary secrecy. He changed his wfh day and when she expressed surprise, he didn't tell her the reason why he did this. She did have to move all her work stuff from the office though and move downstairs because if they are both working from home, he expects to take the office. He sounds more controlling than OP tbh.

Relationships are complex and ride fine lines when it comes to our emotions.
I love my DH more than anything and we get along fabulously. The downside of that is, I believe we are on the same page about everything, so when the odd situation arises when he does something a bit shit, it throws me off centre. Suddenly I have doubts and anxieties that make me question what I think I know. This can lead to me making hasty decisions which I recognise I do out of self preservation to protect myself from further “hurt”. But when the adrenaline wears off, things settle back down and everything looks clearer and less intense. And then everything goes back to normal.
I don’t know if that resonates with you OP, but I just wanted you to know, despite what many posters have said about you, you are fine and you sound like a lovely person that feels these bumps in the road, deeply. That’s entirely normal and you should be able to seek support without being shamed and mocked. I think you’ve handled yourself well and got some resolution that will hopefully give you more clarity and resilience to deal with situations like this again, in the future.

Feel better for that bit of spite?

It's incredible how unpleasant a lot of pp are on this thread isn't it?
I'm quite taken aback at some of the totally uncalled for unpleasantness levelled at OP.

It’s appalling isn’t it? I’m glad it’s not just me that thinks this. I’ve seen posters call the OP, abusive, narcissistic, unhinged, controlling and vindictive. These are strong, powerful words used to describe some of the worst people in society that have caused serious harm to others. Yet here they are being chucked around to shame a woman who asked for advice.

You say he is curious and inquisitive about your life but you never ask him anything about his. Maybe he doesn't think you're interested since you say so often that you don't want to know. It's not being nosy to ask your partner about their life!

I agree. They are also the most lazy and/or stupid posters as they don't read OP's posts properly or certainly don't read all her posts and jump to the entirely incorrect conclusion that OP is jealous that she hasn't been invited.

I've also just realised that OP posted in Relationships not AIBU so their rudeness and vitriol is even more misplaced.

Thank you very much (and to everyone, i really appreciate it) for this kind comment. Yes he is not a good communicator and he's acknowledged it before. I do really love him though and he's still very much an A grade husband in all the other ways. Like, ok he is a doofus but he's MY doofus and I can work with that.

Somebody (i can't find it now to quote) said it sounds a bit dreary having to have a note on your phone to remind you to share stuff with your wife - no joke though, I think he actually will literally do this now I've suggested it.

I do somewhat believe that he has been very preoccupied with work lately, but I think the truth is what he said, "IF I'd remembered to tell you yesterday, I might have felt too awkward after keeping it from you for so long". That's probably what happened, which is high on the doofus scale. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have told me, even afterwards, if I hadn't found out. But MIL would have mentioned over half term and it would have been even more "what, Ben didn't tell you?!"

I asked him, is there anything else you are hesitant to tell me, it's a tell me stuff amnesty, and he said "I tell you everything! Well, more than I ever tell anyone anything!" So there we have it. I'll just have to keep on doing the sidling questions thing.

I agree with what you say.
But I also feel a lot of it is deliberate misreading or whatever. That the main point of posting is to be nasty.

This is really kind, thank you, and to others who posted similarly, but don't worry honestly I am a MN old timer and I love mumsnet, warts and all, it is easy to skim past the less relevant comments and focus on the helpful ones. For example the commenter, I can't find it now, who reminded me my MIL has done nothing for me to be cross with, I needed to be reminded that. She's really lovely. She will not know I've been upset though because...who's going to tell her? Not Ben!

This is batshit.

@Icannotwriteonit
Thanks for your reassuring post that you are ok.
I'm really glad you can handle the unpleasant posts. I really admire you for your ability not to take them to heart. I've found it quite an upsetting read in that I genuinely worry about the effect some of the responses might have on an OP new to the site or a very vulnerable OP.

OP he sounds like a good soul really, just a bit quirky on that front - I'm glad you guys have been able to talk about it properly.