Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

Do you actually know she travelled specifically to see him? I used to work in London and my mum (who doesn't live particularly close to London) would let me know if she was coming into town for an exhibition or something and I'd then try to coordinate my office day so we could do lunch or coffee. I'd probably mention it to my partner, but it might slip my mind.

Well, I said I'd give an update. Just had a long and emotional chat with dh.

The bad: He admits that the lunch was planned "for weeks" but that he didn't think I'd be interested and there was never a good time to mention it because the kids are always around - when I pointed out we'd had a lunch date yesterday, he said he was so preoccupied by work he forgot about it, but "IF I'd remembered, I'd feel it was too awkward to mention it after not telling you for so long". Oh yeah?

The good: he explicitly admitted that it would never cross his mind that I'd prevent him from seeing his mum or ever invite myself. (I knew this but had a wobbly based on thread responses.) He also apologised for turfing me out of the office desk and said he didn't know I ever liked to use it, yes you idiot I use it every Tuesday.

But this is the big one, he said "please ask me questions because I know I'm bad at volunteering information". He said this because I said "look, I'm not asking you what you and your mum talked about, I'm not nosy about that, I'm just asking why the meeting itself had to be a secret". And he goes, "No, ask me what we talked about!" And I just stood there baffled and then he mumbled about being bad at volunteering information unless asked. Baffling. I've been married to this man for years, and I'm continuing to learn what an oddball he is.

(They didn't talk about much interesting. And his work problems are also not interesting, something very boring about an issue with "third party billing". I cannot even.)

I accused him that our relationship is very one-sided in terms of emotional intimacy and he just promised to tell me more stuff from now on. Hmm. I do feel a bit like a household coworker but hey ho.

Thank you mumsnet, this is a success story for the Relationships board, because I wouldn't have been able to have this conversation as calmly if I hadn't done this thread first.

This hit me hard. This is exactly what my DH does, and it's so corrosive. I share pretty much everything that goes on in my life, big and small. He shares nothing. Often, I'll only find out he's met up with someone or had an important conversation with them by accident.

I get it, OP. It's very corrosive behaviour, because inevitably you end up wondering what else they're keeping from you. My DH did it a lot around his family too.

Omg I forgot - yes she travelled only to see him, but he bickered with me that this is not remarkable because it wasn't a 9h round trip, because he saw her in north London rather than South london where we live, so it was closer to 7h. I got angry and he acknowledged that the exact duration of the round trip was not relevant

Because he had no more reason to tell his wife why he was kicking her out of HER office than he would tell the dishwasher or the washing machine.

Obviously...

It has stunned me more than once to realize how differently people can think. Sometimes it can seem obvious from a distance that someone is, for ex., taking someone for granted, hiding something, trying to escape feeling overcontrolled or a zillion other motives but it's just as likely the guy is just kind of a doofus when it comes to communicating, even if he'd get straight A's in the husband department otherwise. We all have our shortcomings, after all. I think there's not enough to go on here to reach any solid conclusion but if there is more to the story, it will surely reveal itself in time. From what I've read though, I'm leaning towards him just being kind of a doofus at communicating. :)

All those saying maybe she had something private to tell him, I would agree if you was complaining about not being invited. You’re not though, you weren’t told and I find that weird, especially given you had the day at home (albeit wfh) together yesterday and went for lunch. Also she told you so obviously wasn’t bothered about it being kept secret from you, which makes it all the more weird why he has.

it would bother me too and I feel like he is making excuses and has purposely kept this from you.I’d be annoyed.

I think you’re massively over reacting, and that itself may be a clue as to why he ‘forgot’ to mention it.

Let’s put the boot on the other foot. Imagine if it was your husband talking about you in this way - wondering why you want to have lunch with your own mother without anyone else there, and as a result deciding to change his plans and leave early from a planned family visit to her. And saying that you ‘lied’ when in fact you just hadn’t mentioned your plan to have lunch with your mum.

The op made it crystal clear that she has no problem whatsoever with her DH & DMIL spending time alone together. Despite this, the vast majority of respondents are purposefully misinterpreting the op. Alone time between a mother & her adult son is NOT the issue here. As the op stated, the issue is that her DH failed to mention that his DM was making a 9hr round trip to meet him for lunch. A 9hr round trip for lunch is completely out of the ordinary & to suggest otherwise is disingenuous. Op, your feelings are justified. It’s odd that your DH failed to mention that his DM was making a 9hr round trip just to have lunch with him. If people were being honest, in the same position they too would find it strange.

I’m curious what the Christmas message was OP. I think you said if you knew about the lunch you would have asked him to tell his mum about Christmas - also that when you phoned her you wanted to check she knew about Christmas.

From the tone of the thread my guess has been to tell MIL that you aren’t going for Christmas but I am curious if that is the case.

I think you've got it, he gets a lot of As as a husband but is also a doofus.

I've convinced him to create a notepage on his phone "things I must tell DW" so if anything flashes across his mind but now is not a good time to tell me, he can jolly well note it.

I would spend a couple of weeks pointedly asking him every evening if there’s anything he’s forgotten to tell me since he’s decided all communication is your responsibility rather then he needs to be better at it. And make some weekend plans without telling him, because it slipped your mind since you’re putting so much effort into getting him to talk to you. This is crappy lazy behaviour from him and you don’t have to take on the communications manager without dropping lots of balls including any plans you have that may inconvenience him. We’d do this until another discussion where he agreed that responsibility for him communicating things to you sits with him and him only.
and use the office. His last minute (ok long planned but secret) arrangements don’t change your standing booking for the office.

It was the opposite! We nearly always spend Christmas with the ILs because my DM is from a culture that doesn't celebrate. This year we were going to spend a rare Christmas with her, but she cancelled for a legitimate reason, so dh's job was to check if ILs would still like us round, or do we do a nuclear family Christmas in London. It's to be another IL Christmas up north

'No, ask me what we talked about!" And I just stood there baffled and then he mumbled about being bad at volunteering information unless asked.' - hhmmm that's something to follow up on.

That’s nice - glad I was wrong about that. I’m sure you MIL is pleased you can join her for Christmas.

I'm glad it's somewhat resolved but I still think you need to look at why it never occurred to you to not rearrange your whole working day because Dh had changed his plans last minute. I think maybe you give him too much of what he wants and I'm not sure where your wishes and needs fit in. I mean, you were willing to miss a work meeting because of visiting his parents - I know you've changed your mind now, but was that a good decision initially or potentially harmful to your own career? Why did you just move all your stuff so his work day was easier, at the expense of your own convenience. Does he take you for granted?

@Hatty65 Wishing you well. XX I hope have as much support as possible. Its a hard journey.

I was thinking along the same lines as you. She wanted to discuss something maybe to do with her husband or an important health or business related matter in person and alone.

Dont make it about you OP. xx

Dont [sic] make it about you OP.

That's right! It's not for mere servants to question their Lords and Masters.

Came to this thread late OP.
Sorry you got such a hard time from some pp.
So glad that your DH was apologetic and your talk together was so positive. Sounds like he is lucky to have you and the good thing is he seems to realise that.

You sound unhinged, frankly. Each post is getting weirder.

That whole conversation was absurd.

Reluctantly answering questions is not the same as actively sharing your life with someone.

He sounds a lot like my ex and I wish I had taken the lying by emission much more seriously. Lying by omission is still being dishonest. And he continued to be dishonest by claiming he hadn’t had the chance to tell you.

I hope you’re on top of your finances op.

I’d say this is a lie. I mean, it’s a lie by omission, but it’s a pretty big omission! I think posters that are suggesting that it’s not are being purposely facile.

Seems as though there’s something else going on here, health or finances?

I think you are over reacting and reading things into the situation which aren't there. The only issue, us why he didn't tell you he was meeting her? Perhaps your reaction when you discovered they were meeting is the reason he kept it quiet.