Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

Maybe your mother in law wanted to talk to him privately about finances, wills, POAs without his other siblings or yourself present, although I doubt she would have mentioned the meeting to you intentionally if that was the case. Alternatively she may be concerned about his father's health and doesn't want to burden you with it.

But is this important?

It's obvious that they consider different things important. I wouldn't consider "lunch with mum" especially important information that I needed to convey or to know about, unless there was an actual significant reason for it. The long trip is mildly odd bit that's about it.

and I had to move all my laptop, second screen, cables, charger etc to the dining table, taking multiple trips.

I don't see why you should have to move because he decided to work from home on YOUR wfh day. YOUR job is just as important as his. And if he had told you weeks ago then you could have swapped your wfh day (I assume).

So, they didn't keep it a secret - your MIL mentioned it quite happily when it came up.

Your husband chose not to mention it. You do seem to make things all about you, so maybe that's why?

I'm at the point where I think most men are so self absorbed that unless something is urgent or affects them directly, they can't be bothered to communicate it. They don't care how it makes other people feel.

This is worth re reading OP.
You sound so nice, but you are still young.
Women can pull away slowly from men that are not communicators and refuse to work on it.
They often end up confiding in their women friends, slowly building intimate relationships with their circle of friends over the decades.
Their husbands, nice men, are a housemate, certainly not a good friend.

He can choose to insist this is the way I am, and thats it.
His choice, but you can tell him the consequences of that may be not to his taste.
You could well end up having your inner life needs met by your friends.

Well done for tackling this so well with him.
IMO, it is never any harm to remind a partner of your boundaries and to be clear where your lines are.
Men have a habit of eroding them if they are not firmly established.
Best of luck to you.

I was thinking this - especially if it relates to eg fearing the start of dementia in Dad and not wanting to appear disloyal chatting to others

But… it’s normal to ask chatty questions. “Who did you see, did you have a good time?” “ has Rufus got a new job yet?” “What are you up to today?” “ has your Mum sorted her roof out?” . Normal chatty questions between partners. Hardly nosey or intrusive, and he has asked you to ask questions!

The whiteboard thing - you say that....
In the case of my Dad there should have been 2 standout notes over the years:
"Change car"
and
"Invitation to Gettysburg(!)"
Rather than: just come home and park looking as if you got in the wrong car in the car park, and assuming we knew all about Gettysburg.

Happy this worked out for you in the end. Tbh I’ve gone back and forth reading your posts because on the one hand your DH sounds like an infuriatingly bad communicator and on the other, your reactions sounded so passive aggressive and petty and inflammatory.

Your relationship really reminds me of my parents. My dad takes irony to ridiculous extremes and comes across as very emotionally closed unless you know him very well. You kind of have to trick him into relaxing enough to let down barriers and any emotional openness feels so special. But otoh it’s obvious how much he loves and cares about us all from his actions and once you understand all the references and in-jokes.

My mum otoh is very passionate and emotional and open with her feelings. She’s extremely empathetic, the best possible person to talk to when I need to work through anything. But she also takes things quite personally easily and can be explosive. She probably understands my dad better than he understands himself.

They’re still together and in love after 45 years and the dynamic seems to work for them. BUT sometimes I think they get into a vicious cycle where my dad infuriates my mum and then her reaction pushes him even more into himself.

One thing I’ve noticed is that their relationship is so so much better now that all their kids have grown up and moved out. And having a small child myself, I notice DP and I really struggle to find time to talk about big things and random chitchat. Sometimes we both miss each other a lot even though we see each other all the time and even wfh together. We also both live very far from our parents so have no real “date” time and all holidays are dedicated to spending the most time possible seeing family. Does that sound familiar to you? You mentioned how nice it was to have lunch alone with DH when he wfh on Tuesday.

Maybe you and DH are really the ones who need more alone time? If you do go with DH for the full half term, could your ILs babysit one night and let you have a proper date?

I literally only go because dh finds it easier to handle both kids if I'm also there.

Even if you had no other reason to cut short your visit, this would be a good enough reason for it. WTF. He'll never learn to handle them if he doesn't have to, case closed.

Glad to hear you talked it out. And even better news he's showing conciliatory on taking over your home office space. Hope it was worth it wading through all the "control" lunacy. There've been some new threads lately complaining about the bitchy tone on many posts, and thus showed very clearly why.

I still don't understand why I would feel any type of way about knowing/not knowing whether DH is seeing his mum for lunch. Or vice versa. Unless it did involve me, logistically or otherwise!

Hi OP 👋

I haven't RTFT just your replies.
I think you have gotten a bashing on here and its unfair.
My hubby is a ditzy bugger and forgets to mention stuff and will apologise, and he's not reserved at all, he's chatty, but he's just a doofus. 😆

You said that the old uni Ben wouldn't recognise the man he's become today, and he used to play guitar etc. 🎸

Did he become even more reserved after last year?
You said you almost died? 😔
Did your husband ever get that off his chest/have therapy for that?
I can imagine nearly losing your wife would be a tough ordeal (also tough for yourself) and perhaps that has added to him becoming more reserved? 🤔

I'm glad he bought you flowers and said ask me anything, and also the notes on phone idea is something I will steal from you 💯
But as for the fact that you had to move your WFH gear to accommodate him - well that's an annoying one and is probably a separate thread! 😆 🤣 😂
@Icannotwriteonit

It is weird af not to tell you his plans. But instead of sulking or retaliating, maybe just ask him to explain and agree not to do this going forward.

You are being silly, this really isn't a big deal

Maybe I’m odd. But I truly don’t get having to have time alone with your child when they are married with a family. My daughter is 28 and has lived with her boyfriend since they met at Uni at 19. I see them both together. I don’t recall ever seeing my parents alone or my husband seeing his parents alone in my 30 years of marriage.

🙄 the quality of putting the unnecessary boot in has really dropped around here.

She has.

To my mind the problem here is that you don’t just ask him

Missing the main point, but why couldn’t he work in the dining table if it was not his usual day?

why did you decamp - I suspect that’s what’s annoying you really.

Whilst this is very odd the issue or it would be for myself, is the secrecy / lack of disclosure when there appears on the surface no reason not to be open and honest . Clearly his Mother was very open and had nothing to hide I think you are being far too kind in matters he needs to be challenged until you are satisfied , then you will be happy to travel/visit

Because it's weird?

Good grief, your real issue here is reading anything written by the xenophobic, racist, misogynist, perverted POS that is Giles Coren 🤮

Stop being so precious! It isn’t about you. The meeting wasn't secret or MIL wouldn’t have told you about it. Why not simply accept his explanation and forget about it?

Maybe its personal, a health diagnosis or something. I would ask him afterwards