Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

What’s the power balance like in your relationship? I only ask because withholding information can be a way of maintaining the upper hand. If this is a regular thing in your experience it might be worth interrogating that thought.

Is it secrecy? Or just him compartmentalising and not seeing it as important to mention?

This wouldn’t bother me. People complain about sons not spending as much time with their mums as daughters do when they are adults. I find it hard to imagine someone complaining that their wife was having lunch with their own mum and didn’t tell their partner about it.

Sorry @Icannotwriteonit but THIS is why they didn’t tell you
I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.
I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

you sound a bit precious to be honest, as though every thing has to be about you. As we used to say- There’s no show without Punch.
if you have to be so involved no wonder they want/ need a bit of time together.
yes, I would be mortified if my husband did this to me but I make sure he has time with his Mam when she comes to visit. Do you? 🤷‍♀️

Honestly, who gives a flying monkey. You’re overreacting and it is none of your business what they do. Do you expect him to tell you when he takes a dump too?

Your entire reaction is why they have these lunches and haven’t told you btw.

She's not complaining. She finds it odd that her MiL has made a 9 hour round trip to see her son for an hour, for reasons unknown. She knows them both and their habits and characters, and she finds it odd. So I think its reasonable to assume in her life, its odd.
Its perfectly normal to wonder when people close to you do odd things and don't mention it or explain if you ask.
Its also normal to be worried something might be wrong and want to be reassured.

I think it's a pretty normal expectation that spouses are open with each other.

Ok, I'll bite.

I make sure he has time with his Mam when she comes to visit. Do you?

No, I had no idea it was my personal responsibility to curate her visits to allow then 1-1 time together, as he's a grown man who can manage teams of people so I thought he could do that himself. Now I know i ought to do this apparently, so I'm doing exactly that, by leaving their house a few days earlier in ht.

I love that a pp said I "sounded hard work", you aren't a true mumsnetter if you havent had that thrown at you at some point. It got a smile from me. I have been on mn a long time and I knew what I was in for.

(I'm in dd's bed, still trying to settle her to sleep because she was in tears about something that happened at school. As soon as she's asleep I will go downstairs and see what dh has to say.)

I'd normally say that a failure to tell your wife something like this could be a red flag for a marriage that's not in the healthiest state. What do you tak about if not the fact that your mother made a 9 hour round trip (driving, which is hard work) for lunch with you. It doesn't wash that he forgot about it, because he remembered enough to tell you about changing his wfh day.

From what you've said more recently, it sounds likenit could be part of a more general communication issue stemming from his childhood. I wonder whether you might benefit from some couples counselling to improve your communication?

This is the dream! I would love for Dh to make plans with any of his family without me needing to chaperone to keep the conversation flowing because they can’t talk to each other without help. 😂

It’s obviously because you’d butt in in some way and make him feel guilty for it. It’s totally normal and healthy to do things alone with your parent without your partner or kids. At least if you have a normal healthy relationship.

That must make being married to him very hard? Your other post about how you essentially have to tiptoe around an issue to get anything out of him made it all sound quite exhausting. He sounds so closed off - do you worry about the emotional impact of that on him? I am assuming he has never had nor would consider therapy.

It sounds genuinely very difficult and ultimately quite lonely for you. It’s not invasive to need some emotional honesty in your relationship. Otherwise as you say, intimacy is a one way street. I really feel for you

God you’re about as sensitive as the DH aren’t you?

I’m not surprised that you feel hurt. The secrecy around the arrangement implied that if you’d known about their lunch you would stop them or demand to join them.
Of course you wouldn’t either.
I think the blame lies on your DH - he sounds like a person who prefers keeping things secret and only shares if he has to.
MIL clearly misunderstood your reaction she thought: Why on earth you are meeting without me?

Whereas it was: Oh! You are meeting today, I had no idea. (and nothing more)
Your surprise was normal as usually people share news that their mum comes 9 hours round trip just for lunch and they’ve even changed their wfh day for this.
I hope there is no troubling news or health issues.
I would leave at half term early but I would separate it from this lunch. You just need to attend this meeting on Friday, DH is a big boy and will cope.

How are so many people missing the point that your DH changed his working from home day to see his mum and didn’t mention it to you? This is secretive and odd behaviour. You clearly wouldn’t have minded and are not against him having time with his mum. I’m really not sure why you are getting a hard time.

Well, looks like I have hit a nerve.
if you didn’t want to be talked out of your attitude why did you post that you did?
And yes, I stand by my comment that you sound a bit precious.
And if you are going to leave their house a bit earlier, try not to make it all about you by guilt tripping them.
Be generous and let them have this time together without feeling it is begrudged by you, please.

You seem to have completely misunderstood the situation

You sound snippy and judgmental. You also jump to conclusions. I hope you appreciate this feedback. Did I hit a nerve?

This is a massive overreaction. Maybe they are planning a surprise for you? Or he just forgot to mention it at lunch. It’s the sort of thing my Dh would 100% do. Don’t talk yourself into being upset about it.

did you hit a nerve? Nope. Your comments speak more about you then me.💐

How could he have forgotten about it WHILE telling her he was working from home <so he could have secret lunch with his mum>??

you’re getting some really unfair comments here op, I’d feel the way you do and I’d tell my dh that I’m sick of feeling like he keeps secrets, it was a very strange thing to hide and you think maybe you should just stop telling each other anything if that’s the marriage he wants.

What exactly do they say about that poster? Do explain.

(I agree with them fwiw)

It’s not obvious at all she’d butt in. She’s also said many many many times she doesn’t mind them having lunch alone. SHE MINDED THE SECRECY ABOUT MAKING A 9 HOUR TRIP FOR LUNCH. And fair enough too.

OP your posts have really unsettled me. I can’t quite put my finger on it but your DHs responses don’t read to me as a ‘closed book’, they read to me as apathy. And the emotional intimacy appears to be very one sided. I would be concerned about what happened today but also about things in general.

Some of the other things you’ve touched on suggest he’s also not an equal parent either.

My husband sounds very similar to yours. He “forgets” to tell me things about his life but not his mates. His mum said the other day “did he tell you about xyz” I replied “if your question starts with did he tell me then the answer is no”.

I have explained how it makes me feel. Like an after thought or not a main part of his life. But nothing really changes. It’s hard to know what to think of it. Because some things do cause you to over think trying to find a reason. We have been together nearly 23 years. He definitely was better at the start.

I read your posts and reactions, OP. There’s expectations of mind reading from people, wanting to change up to lash back at them. Then your DH brings home flowers and you’re not very appreciative of the gesture and silently grading him on the man he used to be to the man he is now - for not disclosing lunch time plans with his own mother.

I would dial back the intensity.