Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

Maybe I will. But equally I don’t ever feel that my parents look for alone time with me that doesn’t happen naturally (like generally I call when I’m alone) or when my husband is at work when they visit. I’d find it strange if my mam came the same distance to see me for no particular reason, so I’m assuming there is a reason she needed to chat to OPs husband not just having alone time.

No harm in pointing out to him, YOU are NOT his mother.

She may be an indiscreet foghorn, but you are NOT.

Perhaps he needs to stop treating you as if you are his mother, as it is deeply unattractive to think he cannot differentiate between the two on you.

A 9 hour round trip - just to see him for lunch ?!!!
Nooooooo.

That is a lot of effort on her part just to have one to one time with him..

Do you mean that he never tells you how he’s feeling? So if he is feeling down or anxious or has had a tough day at work with his boss, he simply will not share? What if he’s unhappy about some aspect of his home life?

This is correct, yes. He shares even less with anyone else though, I believe. He's said in the past he'd be stuffed if i ceased to exist because he never tells anyone else anything.

I just don't think this is a man thing, surely not all men are like this. Fil and bil are a bit too though. Maybe Bil even worse. But I'm not married to him so it doesn't bother me!

I get it OP. It’s not the 1:1 lunch with MIL that’s upsetting it’s the fact that your DH had ample opportunity to mention it and didn’t. So much so that it’s clear he deliberately withheld the information.

You don’t sound controlling at all, just confused and upset that he’s not being
open about things for no apparent reason. When he doesn’t tell you general
information like that about his life it naturally makes you wonder if there’s a subtext. Is there a secret between him and MIL? Is he secretly unhappy about something? Or worse does he just not trust you? It’s horrible and from what you’ve written it sounds like you really don’t deserve it.

I hope you can have a frank conversation about this sometime soon.

My DH used to drive to see his mum about 4 hrs there and 4hrs back quite regularly the only surprising thing to me is that his mum had to do the journey It's called keeping in touch. It obviously wasn't any sort of secret because his mum told you. Do you always say who you are meeting when? It may be some sort of health or financial issue she wanted to talk about.

You sound really highly strung. I'm not surprised they didnt tell you. They didnt want you to come.

What a lovely supportive post. You completely missed the point. And were unpleasant into the bargain. Do you feel hard now?

That’s just spiteful.

It is his MUM.

It is literally their business.

Don't be threatened by his mum - that's really not the way to be.

Be happy he respects and loves his mum.

Saying that you're going to be there at half term so surely that's enough time for chats - no time is enough. Who knows what they needed to talk privately about. Maybe there's a serious issue. Who knows. But it is their choice and they do have a right to privacy.

Be grateful for the life you have with him and really, really don't get fussy over him having lunch with his mum :(

What a twatty comment.

I just don't think this is a man thing, surely not all men are like this.

They’re not. My DP is the son of an emotionally unavailable, taciturn farmer. My DP is the most emotionally available, considerate, and talkative man on the planet. He talks to himself and doesn’t realise he’s doing it and accidentally releases secrets!

”Don’t tell EveningSpread I’m eating the cheese… oops!”

If it was me, I'd say to my DP, what did your mum want to travel all that way to see you on your own about? And he'd tell me, and that would be that.

Sorry this is so long. I've read all of your responses and I agree that it's definitely odd behavior. Also, I was sorry to see how much harassment you've had to endure. I really wish there was a blocking function on here. I guess some people don't listen very well or aren't smart enough to grasp the gist of basic situations or just like to take their personal frustrations out on others from behind a keyboard, or some combo of the above. Too many responses like those will eventually destroy a forum. :(

Anyway, my husband has a couple of odd traits that I never understood and that periodically caused trouble between us, until one of our kids was diagnosed with Aspergers' syndrome. That prompted my husband to get screened for it too and lo and behold, he too is mildly on the spectrum. Key parts of that, if anyone doesn't know, are social and communication difficulties. Through that, I finally came to understand his quirks.

I'm not suggesting your husband is on the spectrum but just pointing out that one possibility is that his tendency to secrecy is just a little personality quirk of his with nothing nefarious at all behind it. His mother seeming to not know the planned meeting was a secret further backs up the possibility that he just didn't think it was important to tell you, even though most spouses probably would expect info. like that to be shared.

But it's also possible that he is up to something. The investment business thing you mentioned gave me pause, for one thing. If you can gain from investments, then you can also lose from investments. That definitely makes it your business as his spouse who shares finances with him, as far as I'm concerned. I'd insist on full disclosure on that and I'd also wonder why it wasn't offered in the first place.

So, I've come up with equal possibilities that he is or is not up to something. Therefore, I'd keep an eye on him and look behind the scenes when it seems called for. Hopefully, it's all good.

Indeed, and your average mumsnetter would deem you nosy and controlling, no doubt. But I consider that normal communication.

Even if he hadn't lied, I wouldn't ask what she was there for. Or certainly not straight out. I'd sidle up to the issue like "so how was your mum, everything ok...?" And the caginess level of the response would indicate whether further questioning is desired. If encouraged, I'd ask further questions, inching closer to The Point, and then Dh would divulge it, often with evident relief at having it drawn out of him in this way. If discouraged, I would rapidly change the subject but maintain an easy patter of small talk to calm the waters.

Yep, now that I've written it out, I realise it is exhausting trying to communicate in this way.

I'm very open myself, with things that I am thinking or feeling. If I don't want to talk about something (rare) I say so straight and usually explain why, too.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

That's why they kept it secret.

The alone time you evidently don’t see the point of is very important imo.

My immediate assumption was that he didn’t tell
you because it is, quite frankly, batshit to make a nine-hour round trip for a lunch, and he was embarrassed by it.

Feel better now?

I'm not at all bothered about the business, that is a red herring honestly. It's just like a couple of small commercial properties that they get commercial rent on, like a newsagents or whatever. I don't think they'd get dh to put any money into it, i think it's more going the other way and winding up and selling the bits off. Anyway I know as much as this from what mil has openly told me, and i glaze over and nod. Everyone knows I'm not nosy about it

Bloody Hell!! How can you be arsed?! I actually thought you were being a bit daft but this is 100% strange behaviour from your DH. It actually sounds like you’re treading on eggshells.

Tbh, the fact he has been reluctant to tell you about it suggests there has been friction previously on the subject of his mother. Otherwise, as in any healthy relationship, it would be a none subject if either party mentioned a meet up with their parent alone. It just sounds very controlling to be investing all this headspace. She’s his mum, not some glam friend who he works with.

Also to add that I had an (exhausting) acquaintance who was obsessively private about her life and you had to constantly be really careful not to ask her anything she might deem intrusive. It was like walking on eggshells. She felt perfectly at liberty to ask me personal questions though! I’m a really open person and don’t mind sharing stuff, especially if it makes someone else feel more at ease so initially I shared things. I stopped in the end though because when you get nothing back it just becomes a one-sided thing. I felt like she wanted to be the one dispensing wise advice and showing concern and generally being seen to be someone people need to help them sort their issues out but wasn’t willing to show any sort of vulnerability herself. You can’t build a friendship on that. I soon learned she tried to highly control every area of her life and letting others in just wasn’t part of the deal because she had a public image to maintain. I’m
pretty sure she was a fairly highly strung mass of insecurities under all that facade sadly.

Hope this isn’t what you’re dealing with OP….

I was doing the washing up this evening and DH came and found me to tell me about a shitty email the CEO had sent to his colleague and how frustrating he finds the CEO's criticism about areas he knows nothing about. That's normal DH/DW communication. I was rather a sitting/standing duck for the rant

Does his cageyiness negatively impact your relationship in a way you'd like to improve? Couples counselling could be really positive for you both so he understands where you're coming from and it would give you the opportunity to see where he's coming from. Couples counselling isn't only for people on the brink of divorce. It's a way to get couples talking about things that are 'stuck' and need a third person to facilitate the conversation.

Then I mustn't be the average MNetter.
Because my view is, this is my life partner. I've had his children, we share the most intimate moments its possible to share, so why on earth can't I ask him a straight question about something that's a bit odd and expect a straight answer? Even if that answer is "I can't really tell you, but its nothing to worry about".