Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

Still, though, it's not the MIL AT ALL that kept this a secret.

It's the DH.

So freaking weird.

I am your husband in this situation and it drives my husband insane. My natural thought pattern is:

Does it impact him? No I am going to work and coming home at normal times.

Am I worried about it and want to talk it through? No

Am I super excited about it? No

Is it today and therefore in my head? No and I've almost certainly forgotten about it until about 20 minutes before.

I do try to be better and communicate more but honestly I would be baffled by your interpretation of secrecy etc. It's just not how my brain works.

I've snatched a brief moment on my phone - dh bought me a bunch of flowers, which he generally does when he needs to apologise for something. No chat but that's because the kids are around. Dh also made an in-joke from our early dating years, which is one of the ways he shows affection, which i appreciate as code for "I'm not leaving you".

I guess maybe we will talk when the kids go to bed. I just wish he wasn't a cagey fucker. The pp who said he is likely like this because his mum is such a gossip, is bang on.

Separately, when I received the flowers (they are very nice and I said so and thank you), the thought what happened to the boy i dated at uni. That Ben would be mortified to know that one day he'd have a Very Important Job and buy his wife flowers when he'd pissed her off. That Ben used to play guitar.

[To clarify- they are the same person haha, I didn't date two men called Ben.]

Your poor husband..

Glad he's realised he's done something wrong. I just can't get over how some people on this thread are twisting themselves in knots to tell you how unreasonable you're being.

I've been married for nearly two decades (together for longer) and something major like that would definitely be a topic of conversation, especially if it meant juggling work days. Not to mention that OP clearly isn't fussed at all about them meeting up.

Please don't let some of the replies upset you, it isn't normal to keep something so mundane so 'cloak and dagger'. It's utterly baffling why he kept his mouth shut about it.

@Cora0 could be right op… your dh lies by omission doesn’t mention stuff because he got used to being a cagey fucker as his mum is the world news?

If it’s not been discussed before, then it’s a good starting point for the ‘you need to stop being a cagey fucker’ conversation.

I hope you're ok OP. I think you've had a hard time on here.
My ex was like this- he'd take a day off work and go and play golf with his mates and I'd find out weeks later when one of his mates would mention it. It'd really p me off- made me feel the same as I think you are- like he'd better not tell me or I'd moan or not let him, or something. I didn't care what he did, just the wierd secretive stuff. He'd say he 'forgot to tell me'.
Next it went to going to a friends house with the kids while I was working nightshifts and not mentioning it- I'd find out from the kids later down the line.
Yes, he's an ex now- it was part of the control he had over me- not involving me or telling me stuff got in my head.
Hope it's not like this for you- try to talk to him and explain how you feel x

In my experience this is just men, if you aren't involved why would you need to know... They can be a bit stupid like that ....

He is out of order, as is she. You are his wife OP! You’re his family and his priority now.

Never mind the lunch, if he expects you to give him the desk when it's meant to be your turn, he should move all your stuff himself!
Let him and his mum crack on, why does it affect you if he lunches with her? I'm guessing there's more to how you feel, as it doesn't sound like a big deal to me, on its own.

Edited to say: please ignore. Completely got the wrong end of the stick.

ignore

I'm glad about the flowers, OP, and the joke.

I think 'don't be a cagey fucker' is a good guideline

I think all of those who are commenting about it being one on one time with a parent are missing the point.

This has nothing to do with wanting mother/son one on one time and more to do with the secrecy and underhandedness

Definite Red Flag on both their parts and the comment about which restaurant they are going to strikes me as odd. I wouldn’t go PIL either.

Could your husband be spinning a narrative to his mother that he gets no time alone with anyone. Or does your mil actually like you because her comment would have my heckles rising

What has the MIL done????

Absolutely, talk about the OP’s husband, but why are people (including the OP) putting any blame on the MIL? She’s done absolutely nothing wrong!

Why?

My main thought isn’t about the lunch, which is weird, but about him not communicating how he feels generally and you saying intimacy is a one way street in your marriage.

Do you mean that he never tells you how he’s feeling? So if he is feeling down or anxious or has had a tough day at work with his boss, he simply will not share? What if he’s unhappy about some aspect of his home life?

The reason I ask is because that doesn’t seem healthy to me. The lunch is weird but a complete absence of emotional intimacy is weirder.

Maybe when your children are adults and partnered up you'll feel differently.

It's really obvious why the OP wasn't invited to lunch, it's because her MiL wanted some time alone with her son. That's normaland isn't any reflection on how she feels about her DiL.

He's not a prisoner. He's allowed out for an hour here and there without them.

I’d be all over that investment business because that’s a potential threat to the family finances and your marriage right there: is it in trouble? I wouldn’t trust him again until he is absolutely and utterly open about that investment business and I’d mastered every little detail.

Oh my life. All the MILs who just like to have lunch with their sons, spectacularly missing the point...

Oh stop it!

I find it odd that he changed his wfh plans at the last minute but you were the one who had to rearrange working space etc. It doesn't seem to have occurred to either of you that he should be the one inconvenienced. Does he get his own way a lot?

I also think it's weird that he lied and it's totally natural to feel discombobulated about that. Makes you wonder what else he keeps secret. You are probably feeling less warm to mil because on some level she's colluded with him. I'd definitely be challenging any bullshit about him 'forgetting'.

There are some wilfully obtuse posters on this thread who are pretending the issue is the lunch with his mum, rather than the deliberate secrecy.

In future I think you need to please yourself more - no rearranging your own life to make his easier - you are right to come home and prioritise your own work .

I would find it really creepy if my husband deliberately hid things from me, even if they weren't important things.

You are missing the point about the weirdness of not mentioning it.

Imagine if your DH changed his work day because your daughter or son was making a nine hour round trip to meet him for lunch.

No problem right - they just wanted some alone Dad and Daughter time?

But your DH doesn’t mention it at all the day before even though it’s unusual that he’s changed his work schedule which has impacted your own work.

Then you come in MN for advice and loads of people tell you to stop being so controlling.

Yeah, I do think you need to start asking more question re this investment business before your secretive h makes agreements that affect you.