Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

with his mum. not a random woman, or another woman.. his MUM. The woman that gave him life.

also, he didn’t lie lol he just didn’t say anything, OP didn’t ask why he changed his days and admitted they had a nice lunch together whilst both WFH.

I haven’t read the whole thread, as it’s too much for me but I have read all of OPs posts and she speaks so negatively of her MIL anyway, maybe she does that infront of her DH and maybe he just didn’t want to hear it on this occasion and just wanted lunch with his mum.

It is really odd that he didn’t mention it. My parents live a similar distance away and of course I’d mention to my husband if they were coming for lunch, he’d do the same with his.

I also noticed that the husband changed his working day and the OP had to move her work to another room to accommodate him. I don’t think he’s coming across well.

It’s of course really nice she’s coming to lunch. It’s not normal that he didn’t mention it.

I think it’s lovely that he gets to spend lunch with his mum, but to not have mentioned it especially when he swapped his working from home day is just weird.
If he keeps simple things like this a secret what other secrets is he keeping, that’s what would worry me more.

also to make you move out of the office when that was your normal WFH day is just weird.

your dh does sound quite selfish.

cba to grill him, he can either talk to me about it or not. I do not need to know what they were talking about, or whether he had investment stuff or POA stuff to sign (very possible) or mil has health issues or whatever. I do not need to know.
The only thing I would like from him is an acknowledgement that it's shitty to keep secrets from your wife, particularly ones that require me to move my laptop to the dining table (!)

Then tell him this, directly and clearly and stop playing passive aggressive games

Because you are seething about it and you have a right to say this, and if you just maintain a hurt silence expecting his empathy to kick in he probably won't say anything and you are no further forward.

She drove? Into London? She didn't get the train?

But the two parts of the story are connected.

It’s unusual for most people to make a nine hour round trip to meet someone for a work break lunch.

It’s charming and lovely if a mum is wants to do that but it’s not really an everyday type of event.

So most people would mention it to their spouse.

Either - “It’s odd but Mum’s coming all the way down to have lunch with me this week - hope she’s okay”

or

”Mum’s having a day in London this week, I think I’m going to change my WFH day to take the opportunity to have lunch with her”

The trip if it’s only for lunch is unusual - not bad - but comment worthy.

The change of schedule for a specific reason which impacts your spouse’s work from home day is also comment worthy.

Hey hope you are ok! Married to my husband for 21 years and parents of 2 teens!
I totally get where you are coming from! I do not think there will be anything sinister but I agree it’s odd that he never mentioned. It’s actually more difficult when lives are so entwined to not mention as it then appears to be hidden! I’ve read your updates and I Honestly don’t think it was meant maliciously, hope you can both talk it out xxxx

Well maybe she will find out!! Ooh the suspense. She might have won the pools and is gifting them a few grand... 😅

I think it's really odd that he didn't mention it, and I can understand why you might find it upsetting, although I think with men it's often just thoughtlessness rather than deliberate malice

But what jumped out to me was that he decided to change his plans to stay at home on your regular WFH day, and you were the one that had to move? You should have stuck to your usual routine and let him take the dining room table.

I agree. My DP is not forthcoming with emotion and I think doesn’t realise what things matter to me that don’t to him. I think I would’ve at one time been passive aggressive but have found it much easier to just explain exactly what I’m hurt. Usually he will explain what he was thinking, and it’s resolved.

Crikey, God forbid a man has a private lunch with his mother and the huge deal you're making it out to be 🙄

It's actually not about the lunch, is it? It's all the stuff around it.

Goodness.

Is he a lawyer?

Is it perhaps that there are multiple things wrong in this relationship and OP is subconciously pinning her current upset on MIL because she doesn't want to face reality?

Its very odd that he didn't say I'm switching my WFH day so I can see my mum.

Its very odd that he didn't say I'm switching my WFH day so I can see my mum.

I think you should do the same back to him. Don't tell him where you're going or what you're thinking. See how reasonable he finds the behaviour when he's the one having to put up with it.

I do think it’s slightly odd that he didn’t mention he was seeing someone for lunch , no matter who it is . I wouldn’t take it so personally though and I think it’s a leap to think that you are keeping them apart, she wouldn’t have told you about lunch would she if that were the case? It’s lovely they have lunch together. I have two sons and I hope that one day I will be able to go out with them for lunch on our own now and again. If I had daughters I would want to the same. My Mum was not the best and is now in a home with dementia . The fact he is close to his mum in a way that sounds quite healthy it lovely. If you are little hurt by this, I would speak to him because it sounds a little silly tbh.

Could it simply be that if he told you the truth he knows you’d offer to leave early at half term and he doesn’t want to solo parent?

Also not the AH, keeping it a secret not mentioning it is werid af and I’d be asking my husband the same questions !

I don't understand really why you wouldn't just assume that it slipped his mind. The amount of times even just recently when I've thought or learned or planned something and had it in my mind at the time that I couldn't wait to tell my husband and talk about it, only to completely forget the next time I see him and then just randomly hours or days later remember. I am always in complete disbelief that I could have neglected to mention something I was so eager at the time to tell him!

And of course there are all the times me or my husband just casually mentions plans we had been making for days and the other one of us is confused. It's very common when you see someone every day to just assumed that you've mentioned something and move on.

If there is any innocent explanation, which there almost certainly is, your disproportionate emotional reaction has probably completely changed the tone of the conversation.

I feel obligated to point out that not asking questions, not having discussions, not pulling him up on dishonesty, and allowing him to rug sweep is exactly why he feels comfortable continuing to be a cagey fucker. You shouldn’t have to do all of those things, but that doesn’t change the fact that he lies and conceals stupid things. He probably does it at least in part because his mother is a gossip, and perhaps has even learned it from his father, but that doesn’t make it appropriate in his marriage. If he’s projecting his mother’s shortcomings onto you or worse, onto all women, then that needs to stop.

Dishonesty needs to become a lot less comfortable for him.

Its completely odd that he didnt mention it. You sound lovely and very reasonable, I think a lot of people are missing the point here. Why did he feel the need to be deceptive and go out of his way not to mention? I wouldn't like it either.

Gosh OP. Have only read your posts, not the full thread. Started off thinking you were being a bit arsey, but actually this is all a bit Agatha Christie. My DH is not at all forgetful/secretive/whatever this is, and it would do my head in a bit if something similar happened to me. Hope it all turns out to be wires crossed in daft ways we cannot currently imagine.

@Icannotwriteonit yeah, my first thought was it's to do with inheritance etc.

@Bikergran Oh, I'd lay a bet on that one.