Dh didn't tell me about MIL 9h round trip just to have lunch with him

[Icannotwriteonit]

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

OP doesn't dislike his parents. She doesn't like staying at their house due to all the dogs. She can now leave the visit early with a clear conscience.

Hardly - I doubt she would have been so breezy in telling you she was meeting him if he was angsting about his marriage

I bet she wants him to sign papers to release or transfer investments or something. And he just saw it as a business trip.

But obv he should have mentioned it

She may well have just wanted a day off from her husband!

My MIL is quite independent - she retired a few years before my FIL fully retired (he did a 3 day week I think) and had a fab time doing her own thing 3 days a week. Then FIL fully retired and follows her around like a lost puppy 7 days a week and I think she gets a bit desperate for time on her own now and then!

I posted upthread but just to add, trust your gut on this. If you think it's odd and that something's up, then you're probably right. Being told that you're being silly or controlling, whether by your SO or people here, is really unhelpful. Tune out the superficial facts and tune into the gut feelings.

One other comment: it does sound as if it were more to do with MiL and something she was up to in London than DH's planning, because if it had been up to him and he wanted it kept secret from you, surely he'd have arranged it for Tuesday (when you'd never have known he was out at lunch because he was in the office anyway) rather than a day on which it would be really obvious to you that routine was being broken because he had to change the days he was at home?

Anyway. you can grill him about it all when he gets in.

It's FINE not to want to do the whole week due to dogs etc.

It's not fine to announce it as a Ner Ner as part of an upset about him not telling you about meeting his Mum for Lunch.

Wait for him to get home.

Ask him calmly but firmly what this was all about and why would he put you through moving your workstation etc without mentioning his Mum was in town.

LISTEN to him. Challenge if he is clearly prevaricating and tell him a minor incident has left you upset because of his glaring omission about his day and all you need is transparency and equality of openness - remind him of last nights conversation.

@Icannotwriteonit my instant thought was that he didn’t actually believe that she’d go ahead with it. It is a bit of a way just for lunch.

She was certainly desperate to see him on his own. I think she must have needed to tell him something confidential.

It's odd he didn't mention it as it's not exactly casual, he had to change WFH days, it's a 9 hour round trip. Doesn't sound like you would be dying to join them for lunch either. My partner sees his mother on her own all the time, she doesn't live far away though, it's not a secret when he does.
I had a relationship once where there was a lot of lying by omission and it is very unsettling. I do think people who do this can be controlling or they just get a bit of a kick being sneaky and holding things back. If he has form for this he could be one.
He doesn't sound very nice kicking you out of the home office either.

Agree.

Am with you OP, all my spidey senses scream something is off.
Firstly the extreme journey for just lunch.
9 hours is the equivalent of a longhaul flight and most people would only put such a long journey vs short time together in for e.g
an interview, important 1 to 1 meeting to discuss something that has an urgent time scale /needs signing/witnessing or person dealing with it was only available at short notice. Could have been medical too.
Guess if medical bad news DH would have shown reaction ?
Otherwise MIL
could have discussed issue privately on phone to DS or in person when visiting.
Whether planned in advance or short notice it is odd DH didn't mention it, as it affected his plans/routine/yours AND , most importantly , he kept it secret ! despite changing a routine at short notice to accomodate.

Too many red flags, also reason she didn't mention restaurant makes me think that was secondary/not important and purpose of trip was not lunch related but lunch was had, if I make sense.
MIL also unaware you were unaware of visit/outing, another red flag and might have clamped shut about which restaurant ( that was secondary to meeting I reckon ) as it dawned on her she had spilled secret beans.

I'd be 🕵️‍♀️ for sure .
💐

Dh will be home in half an hour (I'm about to get dinner on, the dcs are watching tv). There will be no grilling. I cba to grill him, he can either talk to me about it or not. I do not need to know what they were talking about, or whether he had investment stuff or POA stuff to sign (very possible) or mil has health issues or whatever. I do not need to know.

The only thing I would like from him is an acknowledgement that it's shitty to keep secrets from your wife, particularly ones that require me to move my laptop to the dining table (!)

He's usually pretty good at empathy so he ought to know what I'm thinking and it's on him to acknowledge that he's been an annoying cagey fucker as pp excellently put it.

(The only speculation that is definitely far from the mark, is dh confiding in mil about his own health problems. Because mil is the village noticeboard, as mentioned. Dh typically only tells me that stuff, because I don't tell anyone.)

But anyway I think the main reason mil drove here today is the one she said, simply that she doesn't see him alone as much as she'd like. And I do get it, no doubt I'd feel the same if my DS lived the other side of the country.

I still can't fathom why dh didn't tell me, though.

It's his mother who has travelled, so, why would he mention it? He's just meeting her for lunch, that's all.

I am willing to bet he won't be forthcoming about it though. He'll just breeze about pretending like nothing happened, maybe being slightly nicer than usual complimenting the dinner (that I still need to make haha), or offering to do the bedtime reading. He won't openly apologise for being a cagey fucker.

I will update the thread if anyone is interested.

Someone, can't find it now, asked why I started a thread about this - i have a kind of self imposed rule never to criticise my dh to my friends because it creates awkwardness. So if it's something like this, I go to mn. (I'm usually on the parenting or politics boards, tbf I rarely need to start a thread about dh!)

What has either of those questions got to do with it. Whether parents travel 4 hours or 4 minutes, people are allowed to go to lunch with their parents and rearrange whatever needs rearranging without asking their partner for permission lol this is so weird.

@Icannotwriteonit How do you feel about refusing to move if both of you are WFH and you are already set up in the wfh space?

Like, I feel this is much more than just being a cagey twat.

OP

I am with you. I think this is very odd. I would be suspicious though. Much more than you are being.

Something isn't right. I doubt you will find out soon though. It will take longer but there is something that isn't ... Right. Time will tell.

I think if far more likely he simply forgot all about it.

That might wash if he hadn't changed his wfh days and office day. But when he said he was changing his office day to Wednesday that was deliberate, wouldn't you have thought he might mention 'so that I can meet mum for lunch'. That seems like an intentional omission.

I'd be put out too OP. It's not like she's just round the corner and it was a spontaneous lunch. And your DH needed to rearrange his days to accommodate it. I think it's odd.

I am usually 😒 when people don’t read the full thread but am on the train and not much data so only read OP’s posts. My first question is why the heck do you have to move to the dining table on your usual WFH day?! Secondly if he’s swapped a day and told you that bit, I do agree that it’s weird not to have then told you why.

How strange, he purposely rearranged working from home and arranged lunch with his DM and decided not to tell you.
I am not surprised you might wonder why he did coils not explain and say she had something confidential to discuss ie health or business.
You are understandably irritated and felt a fool when you called MIL.

But they wanted to see each other and have lunch. Surely the only issue is that he didn’t mention it?

Mother of two sons here. I think that OP's DH is being deliberately cagey and OP is right to question this. It's lovely that his mum wants to spend some time with him and OP is fine with this. She is wondering why he has been so secretive when there was no need for it.

Load of weird posters on here. 9 hours for a lunch and DH lied about it.

Yeah totally healthy …let’s attack the person lied to.

I’d say be on your guard OP…I’d never keep this secret, I suspect you wouldn’t either. Something to do with being honest and having honour in a close relationship.

I’m not sure why it is unreasonable for a mother to travel all that way to see her son, nor that it’s her behaviour that we are supposed to be commenting on here. (And indeed, as the OP has admitted, she may well have had other plans too).

But, travelling all that way seems rather wonderful. I’m reminded of a verse from Paul Simon’s wonderful Slip Sliding Away:
And I know a father
Who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons
For the things he'd done
He came a long way
Just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again

Though, as I say, I’m not sure the MIL’s behaviour is what this thread is really about.

My FIL travels constantly, as does my DH, so yes, any lunch requires a lot of planning.