Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

Aiming4Optimistic · 14/10/2026 07:16

You aren't a fabulous fit - he's married and dealing with a very stressful situation. He's got no business dating anyone right now. You deserve someone who is free to publicly date you and who is available emotionally. You've dodged a bullet.

Usernamesalltakenblues · 14/10/2026 07:20

He is still married to his wife. He took vows to her.
I accept it is a difficult situation for him but it is still a betrayal of her if he is seeing other women. It seems particularly cruel to her given what she is going through with her health.
Personally i dont understand why you would have even contemplated a relationship with a married man knowing about his vulnerable wife.

ThatAquaRobin · 14/10/2026 07:25

Urgh. Why's he lining up his next nurse with a purse before his wife has even passed, and keeping you a dirty secret?
Well rid.

Girlintheframe · 14/10/2026 07:26

He isn't ready op. I don’t either of you are doing anything ‘wrong’. In many many ways his DW is already gone. He is grieving tbh, and the exceptionally cruel thing about dementia is that she is gone but still there. Early on set is particularly cruel. End of the day this man is not ready for a relationship. Even if he was it’s likely the guilt of his wife still be alive even though she had in affect gone makes it very difficult for people to move on. Walk away now and find someone who is truly able to commit.

Wildgoat · 14/10/2026 07:28

ThatAquaRobin · 14/10/2026 07:25

Urgh. Why's he lining up his next nurse with a purse before his wife has even passed, and keeping you a dirty secret?
Well rid.

Did you misread, he’s told her he isn’t ready

Lugol · 14/10/2026 07:33

I guess you know that if you stayed with him, if you became ill he will be off shagging someone else.

plumming · 14/10/2026 07:35

I feel for the guy, especially as I knew someone with early onset dementia who lived for years and years. It must be so distressing for him and the thought that he might be married to someone who he can have no relationship with, potentially for a long time must be extremely painful
You are right to walk away though, this situation for you would be incredibly difficult and realistically that might not get better for years. When he finally introduced you to his family, they’d realise he’d been seeing you for ages and that might not go down well, lots of possibilities for a very difficult ride for him and for you. Best to leave him alone

NorwegianForest · 14/10/2026 07:37

I'm not judging the guy as he's in an incredibly difficult position. It sounds like he's been honest with you about what he can offer so you're right to walk away.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/10/2026 07:39

Someone else’s husband isn’t the ‘perfect fit’, he’s probably grieving for his wife and that’s such a complex issue. The fact that it’s ’early-onset’ is odd too, doesn’t that suggest she could still be around for a good while yet?

ChristmasGrinchyPants · 14/10/2026 07:39

His wife isn't "gone". She is living and breathing with a terrible disease.

Whilst I feel sorry for the guy having to deal with the stress of this, going out with someone else whilst his wife suffers and is still alive is pretty cruel. If that was my dad I would be horrified and really angry with him. In fact, I think I would disown him if he did this.

"to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part"

Maybe he should re read the above and take it on board. He's not ready? More like he is not free.

And OP, sorry but what kind of person goes out with a man whose wife is battling her last days in the most horrible, cruel way. You say you were happy with the restrictions on meeting his family and friends. Good job really as I'm pretty sure his DC (if he has any) would have had some very choice words for both you and him.

Soontobe60 · 14/10/2026 07:42

He’s still married. You’ve chosen to have an affair with a married man and now he’s decided it’s not for him. Did you know about his wife before you chose to have a relationship with him?

Melancholyflower · 14/10/2026 07:42

Girlintheframe · 14/10/2026 07:26

He isn't ready op. I don’t either of you are doing anything ‘wrong’. In many many ways his DW is already gone. He is grieving tbh, and the exceptionally cruel thing about dementia is that she is gone but still there. Early on set is particularly cruel. End of the day this man is not ready for a relationship. Even if he was it’s likely the guilt of his wife still be alive even though she had in affect gone makes it very difficult for people to move on. Walk away now and find someone who is truly able to commit.

Edited

I get the impression the affair was going on before his wife's diagnosis, and he, quite rightly, has come to his senses.

TheBrunswick · 14/10/2026 07:42

When I was a nurse it was always the husbands that stopped visiting their chronically ill wives.
Except one man, his dw became brain injured during an operation and lived for many years in a side room on the ward. Her dh came every single day. She couldn’t communicate with him but he never stopped visiting.

Never met an ill man whose wife abandoned him.

Gagagardener · 14/10/2026 07:44

If you haven't been there, don't judge.

Usernamesalltakenblues · 14/10/2026 07:48

Girlintheframe · 14/10/2026 07:26

He isn't ready op. I don’t either of you are doing anything ‘wrong’. In many many ways his DW is already gone. He is grieving tbh, and the exceptionally cruel thing about dementia is that she is gone but still there. Early on set is particularly cruel. End of the day this man is not ready for a relationship. Even if he was it’s likely the guilt of his wife still be alive even though she had in affect gone makes it very difficult for people to move on. Walk away now and find someone who is truly able to commit.

Edited

I'm sorry but his wife is still alive.

How is it not " wrong" for him to be dating other women?
In your opinion does In Sickness and in Health mean nothing?
Of course it's a difficult and sad situation but that doesn't excuse writing his wife off as a human being whilst she is still alive.

TheMessyMermaid · 14/10/2026 07:53

Peachykeenclean · 14/10/2026 07:12

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

You started an affair, not a relationship. He's a married man, leave him alone

Penstick · 14/10/2026 07:54

There is no relationship. He's done the right thing in a terrible situation. You need to let him.

Notquitethetruth · 14/10/2026 07:55

His poor wife. Her husband already looking elsewhere but feeling a little guilty and another woman who is wanting to take her place almost immediately.
Doesn't reflect well on either of you. I would guess that many of the friends and family might not want to have a relationship with either of you when they are aware of how you have both behaved.

Ethelspagetti · 14/10/2026 07:57

You started a relationship, what does that mean? Sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you because he is married and loves his wife. He has told you plainly as clear as day. There are plenty of single men out there, look elsewhere and leave him alone.

Wineglasses · 14/10/2026 07:57

ChristmasGrinchyPants · 14/10/2026 07:39

His wife isn't "gone". She is living and breathing with a terrible disease.

Whilst I feel sorry for the guy having to deal with the stress of this, going out with someone else whilst his wife suffers and is still alive is pretty cruel. If that was my dad I would be horrified and really angry with him. In fact, I think I would disown him if he did this.

"to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part"

Maybe he should re read the above and take it on board. He's not ready? More like he is not free.

And OP, sorry but what kind of person goes out with a man whose wife is battling her last days in the most horrible, cruel way. You say you were happy with the restrictions on meeting his family and friends. Good job really as I'm pretty sure his DC (if he has any) would have had some very choice words for both you and him.

Unless this man and his wife used a particular version of the C of E marriage service, he hasn’t necessarily made any such vows! This comes up all the time on Mn, where people seem to think everyone vows things about ‘in sickness and in health’ and ‘till death do us part’, but the short register office service DH and I married in, we literally just declared we were free to marry and were marrying one another. Nothing about health or duration.

I agree, though, that the OP is right to walk away from someone who can’t offer what she’s looking for.

Original poster

Peachykeenclean · 14/10/2026 08:01

Not involved before diagnosis; met online after she went into a care home; five or six years of being cared for at home by him. I agree very much with how his family and friends would react if they found out after a year or so; the wife has two and a half years to live as she has a very aggressive type of dementia. I don't think there could have been a good outcome for me, him, her, or his family.

OP posts:

Spacecowboys · 14/10/2026 08:03

Not judging either because he is in such a difficult situation.
If his wife with dementia requires 24 hour care in a care home, chances are she doesn't even recognise him anymore. The woman he married is gone.
You've done the right thing because he isn't in the right headspace for a relationship with you.

Original poster

Peachykeenclean · 14/10/2026 08:04

I think the fact he was online dating but obviously has not really worked out his guilt and family situation is just the cherry on top; I didn't start out feeling like an affair, but it has come to feel like that, hence me bowing out.

OP posts:

Girlintheframe · 14/10/2026 08:05

Usernamesalltakenblues · 14/10/2026 07:48

I'm sorry but his wife is still alive.

How is it not " wrong" for him to be dating other women?
In your opinion does In Sickness and in Health mean nothing?
Of course it's a difficult and sad situation but that doesn't excuse writing his wife off as a human being whilst she is still alive.

Show quote history

Just because someone is physically alive does not mean they are still ‘there’. Dementia is a devastating cruel disease where you can live for many many years and be a shell of a person. Who says he doesn’t still care about his wife? He may love her deeply? You can love someone and still need to move on. I’ve met both men and woman who have moved on but still visited, cared for and advocated for their wife/husband. I would say none of this is black. Dementia is unlike a great many illness, personality can change dramatically, loved ones don’t know who you are, delusions, shifting from spouse to carer. Unless you’ve walked that path none of us can judge others.

Seziah · 14/10/2026 08:05

A lucky escape I think, at least he was honest. A tricky situation but unless they are separated he is still married and essentially having an affair. When the going gets tough and he gets lonely, he goes online and looks for another woman