Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

[Peachykeenclean]

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

For love, bet he's ready for sex though!

@Peachykeenclean - have only read your posts. It’s about 30 years ago now but a friend of my mum’s (then in her 60s) was in a very similar situation to you; the man’s wife was in a home and extremely ill with dementia (beyond recognising him etc). The man in question did feel able to love again and he and my mum’s friend were very happy together for about a year but he ultimately ended the relationship because of the stress of trying to keep the relationship completely separate from his family. My mum’s friend understood his thinking but she was absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know for sure if she regretted having become involved with him but I suspect she did.

This. If i was in a care home with advanced dementia and maybe not even recognising my husband, I would be fine if he had another relationship, as long as he still ensure my care was good e.g. I didn't have bed sores, was hydrated etc. Life is short, why should the partner be so lonely. Maybe a compromise is to have a loving companion rather than dating, a man may appreciate the regular company of a womanerson of the opposite sex. My own mother was a regular companion of a man with his wife in the same situation, although they were much older, and it was a blessing, preventing 2 old people from living lonely lives.

So much for 'in sickness and in health'. Men will always abandon us as soon as the going gets tough won't they?

Delighted to hear this!

Is he still on the apps?

The amount of puritanical rage on here is frankly offensive. Dementia is an awful disease. Something that I know very well, unlike (I suspect) the majority of those up themselves, puritanical, virtue signallers on here calling this man awful. OP ignore them. Like so many who have their heads so far up their behinds, they have forgotten, if they ever had any, understanding, decency and complexity. So buoyed up are they by their own sense of moral certainty and righteousness that they completely fail to notice the stink they leave behind.

This is an extremely complex thing. It must be so, so, hard for both of you. Dementia is a cruel, awful and destructive thing. Awful for the person suffering and devastating and incredibly stressful for those who are left to care. It’s an incredibly isolating and lonely thing. His wife is no longer there.

No advice, other than from what you say he sounds like he does care deeply for you both. I think, sadly, you have to listen to him at the moment. It’s a difficult thing dementia and being with someone who is caring and grieving for someone so loved is not an easy thing.

I lost my mother very recently to dementia. Some friends and family have actually asked me outright why I’m not showing more sadness now she’s gone. The thing is that they haven’t spent the last 10 years caring and watching and grieving. At the moment there is just an overwhelming sense of relief. For her and for me. Grief has been there for years now. Losing them bit by bit until all that was left was a tiny curled up body on a bed occasionally shouting out and hitting the walls. It’s awful. You don’t get a chance at a farewell and grief happens over time. I lost the person I loved, who I could talk to and laugh with and be comforted by many years ago. I’ve had to watch her as she slowly lost everything and was stripped of all her dignity.

And I had to do it alone. No one else really understood. Her siblings and her friends. They sympathised, by they weren’t there, they didn’t see. They responded to what she was once not what she was now. I had to deal with that. I felt so alone.

What saved me (I was going to say helped, but saved is the right word) were the fantastic care staff. They did understand and they were extraordinary. I could talk to them and feel like I and Mum were really seen, really heard and understood. And, just as they didn’t forget what I was going through, they didn’t forget Mum’s humanity. It’s very easy just to see a body. The smells and the indignities and such. To cope by being practical. In her final days I remember watching as one of the nurses, who had just finished washing and changing her, settled Mum comfortably on her pillow and then lent down and kissed her on her forehead. It was a beautiful thing because that was real care and respect and love.

I completely understand and sympathise with your partner. If (when?!) I get it, I would hate my partner’s life to stop. For them to have to be like some Victorian in mourning for years and years. Mum had dementia for a long time. In a home for 10 years but struggling far longer.

A marriage vow should not stop us living. And your partner clearly still cares and clearly still loves.

After dementia, after they die, something rather wonderful happens: you start to get them back. The memories of the awfulness fades and you start to remember the times before.

But you have to protect yourself in this. You’re in a relationship with someone going through an awful time. And, when she does die, he might then start to get her back and have to process that. Grief, like dementia, is a complex and difficult thing. Perhaps he wants to shield you from that.

No one can estimate the time a dementia patient has left

Excellent post from @Cosimarocks — the posters piling on about him being ‘just another cheating husband’ should be ashamed of their own lack of imagination and empathy.

I think he is probably desperately lonely (and yes, missing sex, you're allowed to miss sex) and thought meeting someone on an app would be a way to have a relationship completely seperate to his other life, more discreet and less difficult for his daughters than e.g. the widow of an old friend.

He's tried it and found he can't handle it as easily as he thought he could. It's a shame he didn't realise it without involving OP, and personally I'd have run a mile simply because he was very likely to be carrying baggage, but it's a horrible situation to be in and I don't think anyone has behaved terribly.

Any decent human, with an ounce of self respect and compassion, would not have have even considered a relationship in these circumstances. That goes for both, you and him.

I'm carer for my DH who has been bedbound for years. However, his memory and personality is still intact and although it's hard at times I know that I'm very, very lucky that is the case. The experience of watching a spouse be lost to dementia over a period of many years is one of the most heartbreaking things I can imagine and as long as the husband or wife still ensures the person affected has the best of care, there is no judgement from me if they start to think towards the possibility of another relationship.

It has to be the right time though, otherwise it is unfair to anyone they may meet and it doesn't sound as though the man the OP dated is in any way shape or form in that space at the moment. It is as well it is finished because of that.

Exactly this.

You need to improve your standards before you start dating again. No married men would be a good start.

Anyone who has no compassion for this man is a despicable human being in my opinion; it might not have worked out, but I have nothing but respect for him; I don't think that he has thought through the consequences and outcomes, but he has never failed in his duty and love to his wife.

Reading some replies has made me think about what if I as a woman end up in this husband's position in a few years time. What advice would some posters give to me?

An older woman that has a husband with Parkinsons dementia and has been his carer for quite a long time by that point. I feel lonely even with family and friends around because that person that was my soul mate since 2003. I get to the the point where I need either another relationship or even just physical company from the opposite sex. Would people think I was evil and disloyal to feel this way or would they be suggesting things like meeting someone via online dating or joining a club?

Someone here is missing compassion, understanding, decency and the ability to think. It’s not to OP or her partner.

Agreed and I would question why someone with early onset dementia needs to be in a care home.

He may be lying about this too.

Burning your bra today I see Debbie

You what? Why?

Clearly you have no idea what early on set dementia is. It is not the early stages of the disease, it’s that the disease takes hold earlier on in life.

you're allowed to miss sex

Really glad someone has said this

TBF when my gran was in the advanced stages of alzheimers and didn't k ow who anyone was, couldn't feed herself, etc, my grandad had a lady friend. It helped him and it was companionship that he no longer had. I never had an issue; my mum did. The lady and I kept in touch for years after he died. She gave him a bit of self back during a very arduous 11 years. Probably worth noting that he was always a ladies man.

He visited my gran every other day until the very end. She didn't know that for the last five years. He never stopped loving her and died 16 months after she did.

It isn't simple.

@Peachykeenclean with kindness.

I agree - he is in a difficult spot and is probably lonely with needs. He is feeling guilty and hence broke it off with you.

Clearly I do. Parent and grandparent both have it. Clearly you made a judgement based on what you know.

That is is actually worse than he is saying.