Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

[Peachykeenclean]

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

My mother lived for over 15 years with dementia and it was awful on my dad - on all of us but particularly him. She was gone but still physically alive. Its like a death you can't mourn. He never looked at another women until he died (after her) but I would not have blamed him had he sought out companionship whilst she still lived. I think the deal breaker - as it has been for you - is to say he has no capacity to love another. I understand it but I would not stay in those circumstances either.

How old is he?

Why does that matter?

If young do you think he should just wait around for wife to die in 20 years time

Or

If old do you think he should just never have love or intimacy again because of a few wrinkles

Or

Something else

I don't think you can judge this as a "married man having an affair" scenario. Is the poor guy supposed to live like a monk until his wife dies? Is he not allowed to have other relationships? He is effectively living with the memory of a woman he loved and married but she is gone never to return.

Do you even know what it is, obviously not?

It must of been very stressful keeping you a secret from his friends and family, they may well of judged him harshly and I doubt he could have coped with that on top of his wife’s dementia and putting her in a care home. The relationship couldn’t have gone anywhere so I think you did the right thing.

I think a lot of these posts are very harsh. Mh ex neighbour's wife went into a care home and he ensured that her needs were met, he paid massive amounts every month for decades. He looked after their son, who was very young, by himself. Eventually he got a knew partner who he lived with. It was such a tragic situation but he deserved to be happy ... this is not a practice, it's our one and only life.

I think all the posters understand how difficult this situation for him and all his family, it’s the keeping you secret part that isn’t right.

Nobody said that. It’s just a question, I asked the same thing. He could be 45 or he could be 70 for all we know.

A close friend was an only child and cared for her mother with dementia at home for years. She was absolutely devoted to her and juggled that and her full time job to her own detriment. This is someone I know well and who had/has nothing but glowing things to say about her parents and upbringing. The love is clear.

Eventually it became so unsafe that her DM had to go into residential care for her own safety (she was still quite mobile) For quite a long time towards the end every time my friend visited, her DM would react aggressively and literally scream in her face, over and over again. It was awful, but my friend still visited and was there when she died, happily in a more peaceful state.

Advanced dementia is beyond cruel, to the person suffering and those who love them. @Peachykeenclean , I don't blame you and don't blame him but he needs to deal with this awful situation and come to terms with it. Until he can, whether his dear wife is still alive or not, he shouldn't be attempting a new relationship, with you or anyone else.

Yes but why does that matter is my point

It is not relevant to anything in this case or anything we have all been discussing. We know she has early onset so that gives a clue to the severity but age in general is not relevant.

Asking the age of the wife may possibly be but even then the age someone will die is very individual

okay

maybe some people never stop wondering?

Having dealt with dementia etc (parents) I do get that some emotional release is needed.

It’s a bloody awful disease, and it’s draining. Unless you’ve don’e it, you have no idea.

But, he’s lonely, because he’s ‘lost’.his partner, and he's vulnerable. He’s still got the grief of real loss to deal with. Not easy.

You'd be best just walking away. 😉

She has dementia, not cancer. It is a totally different situation. That said, this relationship is over from the OP's point of view, this man is not emotionally available to her.

That said, it is just a remote possibility that his wife does not have dementia and this is just a line he spins when he wants some strange. In which case, he is a very twisted individual, but I've been around long enough to know that things like that do happen, albeit not very often.

Sad circumstances. It is nothing but normal that he is conflicted. He is losing his wife to this illness. Surely there is a battle within him to be a good husband and father (if he has children) and to enjoy what he has left of his life. It is a no brainer. If love is what you want, just walk away from this relationship.

throw him back into the sea

I disagree. I actually have personal experience with this. The partner of someone with dementia experiences an ongoing grief for the loss of a partner they lose every day. The care burden is enormous. If his wife is in a care home, that is unlikely an “early stage” of dementia. The person he married no longer exists. If you and he feel okay about moving forward in a relationship I would not judge you or him. Best wishes.

And? The nature of the illness doesn't change the fact that when the chips are down this man is off with another woman.

I had a friend who helped care for a male friend's wife. Eventually, the dementia reached the stage where the wife turned so violent that she couldn't be looked after at home and she was moved into a care home.

The husband and my friend finished up in a relationship. The were together for many years and she nursed him through terminal cancer. I believe that the wife is still alive.

It's not a situation that I'd want to be in from any POV - spouse, spouse with dementia or partner. If my friend hadn't been there, her partner would have been on his own for the last years of his life. I can't judge.

I'll add that the partner did have adult children and grandchildren, but they disappeared once his wife needed care.

😂

Of course it changes things massively. With dementia, the person is there in body only, the person that you married has gone. It's completely different to a physical illness. This man's wife can't suffer because of his 'infidelity', she very likely doesn't even know who he is, or does only in very fleeting moments. I don't know why you think otherwise but you're quite wrong.

Work instance. Talking to a man in his 80s whose wife, who had advanced dementia was removed after she has attacked him for the last of many times, literally trying to claw his eyes out. He was still a strong man, Commando during WW2 and he could hold her off without hurting her, but it was getting harder.

He said "She isn't coming home is she?". I asked him what she was like before her illness and he said "She was lovely". I asked if she in her right mind she wouldn't be horrified if she hurt him and if she would want him to be OK and he agreed. It was awful, because the disease is awful.

I'm almost crying from this 30 years later. Dementia doesn't affect everyone like that but it is terrible and unpredictable at times.