Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

[Peachykeenclean]

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

It is a very difficult situation for both of you- all three of you potentially depending on wife's awareness of situation.

I don't judge either of you for this at all. He has likely been a carer for sometime and that is rather lonely when spouse even if family and friends around. He needed someone/something outside of his carer situation and you were there for him. You I can imagine provided a release, bit of normality and helped him see a future without his wife at some point. I can't imagine he meant to hurt you and may well love you very much. However he still loves his poor wife and feels loyalty there, which I think is a sign he is probably a good person. Statistically men are more likely to walk away when there partner needs long term care, saw that statistic somewhere when researching care stuff for my husband.

An amazingly hard situation and I am sorry you have been hurt, all I can do is offer you a hug xxxx

He deeply loves his wife and visits regularly, and I think he is paying for her care privately. His devotion was actually part of the initial attraction, but I thought he had resolved more of the issues than he obviously had. I don't think he is actually doing anything wrong in the actual dating; it's his lack of resolved emotions while online dating that I've found disingenuous.

No, step well away from that. He is unavailable emotionally and he is of course still married. If you are looking for a relationship focus on men who are available and in a position to be able to commit fully to you if that’s what you both want.

Yes, my DH had a long illness (not dementia) and was bedbound for more than a year before he died.

I cared for him as best I could, and my life focused around him when he died, but my marriage died long before he did - he was no husband to me for a long time, and I grieved about that before he died.

When he did die, I came out of a period of complete limbo, ready to 'live' again much sooner than some people thought was appropriate.

I didn't 'move on' while he was alive, my life was consumed with caring for him, but if he'd been in a care home, and it had gone on a lot longer? Caring for someone in this situation makes you realise how short life is, and the value of having someone to share it with.

I'd like to think I wouldn't have formed any new "relationship" while he was alive, but I can absolutely see a situation where it might not have seemed a terrible thing to do.

It sounds like he has dumped you and used his wife as an excuse. It is how most affairs end.

If I had dementia I would never want my husband to live a tragic half life devoted only to my care. I would want him to live and thrive as best he could. I'd want him to visit me, fight for my care, and live his own life.

We only get one life. This is it.

My late husband went into nursing care and died four years later. I had cared for him for decades prior and was faithful. I dedicated my youth to him and it cost me very dear.

I visited him, I managed his care, I bought his birthday presents and hugged him. But I, at last, lived my own life too and that included some dates.

I don't think people realise what they demand of others, sometimes.

This.

Fine for you to walk away if it's not for you OP. But don't judge the guy or anyone else who does start a relationship like this. It's very lonely.

Sorry to hear about your husband. You've explained perfectly how people in these kind of situations feel.
It's something no one can understand unless they have experienced it.

I think you are probably right about him and being very level headed about everything

His only real negative here is it wasn't fair to start seeing someone when not emotionally ready. However presumably he didn't know that himself yet and he was just desperate for normal human comfort. I understand him in that sense because I care for my husband who may have parkinsons dementia and this road is looking long and lonely in a few years time.

Can I just say my thoughts go out to anyone who is in this situation so hard.

I dont think people should judge those who are in a situation such as this.
Caring for someone with conditions such as dementia etc, is a heavy burden to carry

I wouldn’t date a married man regardless of the reasons why. Death do us part. Maybe revisit when he’s emotionally available and able to date.

I think to say he’s disingenuous is actually pretty unfair on him given that you accept his situation. He is married to a woman he loves, of course he isn’t ready to commit to someone else while he watches her die. He’s been up front about being married and you chose to get involved. You were right to walk away, but he’s not any worse or better than you here

As a widow myself I have learnt that love is a doing word. Once someone is no longer meaningfully around to engage in a relationship, that relationship is over. So I don't judge him for looking elsewhere.

However that doesn't mean he's ready, it doesn't sound like he is and to be fair he has told you he isn't, so the situation is clear. If you are looking for a serious relationship that has a future, this isn't it.

He was very clear at the start that he was ready, and I am sympathetic that he perhaps did not know until he tried. I do not think I am better or worse than him; it was a difficult situation, but I do think he should have perhaps had some counseling and thought harder about outcomes, as indeed should have I. No one has been majorly hurt , no families have been ripped apart, but I am glad I have disengaged before I became too attached.

Why do you think you are a good fit?

interesting.

What do you think you signed up for? at what point is it ok for short form register office couples to shag other people?

Normal relationship things: very similar interests, same sense of humor, and a great physical connection, but with a misalignment in the level of emotional needs.

Have a word with yourself.

I honestly don't understand how or why you would have ever thought this was ok, OP. His wife is very unwell, yes, but he is still married.

Ok i didn't mean it to sound that antagonistic, sorry.

seriously, though - if the fact that "in sickness and in health" isn't the vows is the reasoning here then how do people know what they are signing up to?

Interesting. I've just looked at the selection of standard options for vows given by my local authority for register office weddings. They are surprisingly loose, and only actually require you to confirm you are free to marry and that you will "take" them as your husband/wife. Nothing at all about what that commitment is (or how long it should last).

He says he’s not ready for love but was ready for sex?

I wouldn’t be surprised if this is all a big lie so he can cheat on his on his healthy wife.

He has no business dating anyone. He'll be using the dates to dull the pain of his living bereavement, understandably so, but it's not ok to use someone like that if they want a proper relationship. You've done nothing wrong.

Odd question. We literally said we were free to marry and declared we were marrying one another — we signed up to be legally married. That’s the whole and only point. I’d be very surprised if there was evidence that couples who used the civil marriage short form are statistically any more likely to shag other people than couples who used, say, the Common Worship C of E vows. I mean, I don’t think saying ‘Till death us do part’ is a magic spell!

We’ve been happily together without accidentally falling onto someone else’s genitals since 1992, anyway, for what it’s worth.