Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

[Peachykeenclean]

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

Well i think the term judging is vastly over used on MN. Most threads are started because the OP wants an opinion. I don't think expressing the opinion that marriage vows mean in Sickness and in Health is being jugemental. I thought that was a fundamental part of the vows.
I don't doubt at all that this is an horrendous situation for the man, his wife and all the rest of their family and friends. But life is such a lottery. Unless there is a get out clause that says Forsaking all others unless one of the spouses develops a life changing illness then unfortunately it is what it is.

I inagine he thought he could compartmentalise and he wanted something that was an escapist bubble from his real life. There was no way it wouldn't become increasingly stressful and messy and the two worlds will inevitably bleed into one another.

I wouldn't judge you Op but be careful he is not using you. It's a strange way for him to behave.

You don't want to be the woman that dad/brother/son-in-law etc was off screwing while mum/SIL/daughter etc was dying.

Don't look back.

He didn’t really need counselling though, he gave online dating a try and realised his boundaries, and those make total sense given that he is a married man. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to you really that loving his wife meant he wouldn’t also love you. You are better off trying to find a single man in the future when it’s just online dating. I can see how a relationship like this could happen with someone he knew and developed feelings for, but online dating to hook up in such a complicated situation, hiding the new woman from family, was obviously not going to work out.

Misalignment is an understatement.

My mum died from dementia a few years back. Dad is now dating at 85. We're very happy for him.

Mum died twice. One when she got the diagnosis and at the end when she stopped breathing.

She stopped being his wife long before she went in to the care home.

I suspect few of the posters slamming the poor guy have had any experience of a loved one with dementia. Give the guy a break.

I’m not sure how this could be a fabulous fit tbh, you shouldn’t have been happy with those restrictions either. Someone in these circumstances isn’t ever going to be an equal partner.

As a 50+ woman I’ve realised that the only men I can fully trust are my DSons. Maybe some people feel they can’t even do that, but in my case I think I can.

I’ve seen it a lot. Wives dying or dead and the man is off straight away, and there’s always some woman with low self esteem and a low bar to look away at the red flags and jump in.

Women need to make sure they keep themselves fit and healthy, and have their own money and their own plan B. Unfortunately there isn’t a lot you can do if you have dementia or other horrible disease. Otherwise you can.

It could or couldn't....

But it is more complex with early onset... It's more heritable than 'usual' dementia... So any kids may inherit...

Yes he took vows, but the person he made them to is not 'there' in any usual sense(assuming her dementia is advanced...),although of course still deserving of care and compassion.

Is it the case that people have to keep on being without company /conversation /sexual relationship... Perhaps from their late 40s/early 50s...??
Following events in my family, I told my partner that if ever I had advanced dementia or advanced neurological conditions, I'd still want to see him, and I'd still want him to be my partner. I'd have no problem if he decided to have someone alongside, as long as they didn't bring him in to see me and he was still there for me. I wouldn't want him to be on his own and isolated.

Anybody that spends any time caring for people with dementia realises how utterly stressful and isolating it can be, regardless of how much you love the person.

I still think describing someone else’s husband as perfect fit, but also calling him disingenuous for not loving her is a bit unfair on him. He’s given it a try, he doesn’t feel he can love her too while he loves his wife. I don’t think he owes Op anything, she knew the situation and went into it with her eyes open

I think the majority of people when going into marriage if they think about this they are thinking physical sickness, Injury or regular old age getting forgetful and frail. People don't tend to think about their future life partner no longer being there mentally. Them potentially not recognising you, not remembering the years and good times, completely changing personality or being like an adult child. That this state could possibly go on for 5, 10, 15 years before they die. That you may in that time no longer be married to the same person you fell in love with because over than in body they are gone.

There is every likelihood that in a few years time this will be me and my husband. I would never walk away and divorce him when he needs me. However maybe I won't want to be alone emotionally or physically for the rest of my adult life, don't know yet because not there. If you want to judge future me for having basic human needs then so be it.

However you try and dress it up he's just a cheating husband. The fact the illness is dementia is irrelevant. Would you give him a pass if she had cancer MS or was in a wheelchair but otherwise OK? the reason doesn't want other people to know is because he's aware he's a cheating husband and he doesn't want them to know that. I'm sure he's also enjoying a bit of sympathy oh poor Dave his wife has got dementia, he cared for her at home and now he's paying for her care home and visits her everyday what a saint. He won't want people knowing he's on dating sites. I would maybe have a little more sympathy if you met someone became friends and it happened inadvertently but no he's actively out trying to line someone up.

However you try and dress it up he's just a cheating husband. The fact the illness is dementia is irrelevant. Would you give him a pass if she had cancer MS or was in a wheelchair but otherwise OK?

I think you'd have to be astonishingly unimaginative to not recognise that, depending on the type and degree of dementia, his wife may not have recognised him for years, and that her illness means there is literally nothing of her left, other than someone catatonic or, worse, extremely agitated, who thinks he's the doctor, or a school bully who was mean to her when she was eight, or an enemy spying on her. None of those things would be relevant to someone with the other conditions you mentioned.

It's a horrible predicament. He's not a widower, because his wife is technically alive, but she's not really, and he is also aware of the sensitivities of family and friends who would be upset that he was dating.

I don't think he's done anything wrong, but I also think the OP is right to walk away from a situation which doesn't offer her what she wants, and which could go on for many years to come, depending on just how 'early onset' this is.

I'm not predisposed to such black&white thinking and I'm capable of taking in nuance in situations.
I wouldn't judge at all if I was a relative or the spouse in this particular situation (long-term care home, early-onset anything but mental illness in particular).
I would want my husband to care in a loving and practical sense but I would not expect him to lay his life down alongside mine.

Screwing...how to change the word "sex" into a moral judgement. In the holy name of overly dramatic and simplistic statements: I'd rather my son-in-law screwed his mistress not screwed my dying daughter and I'd much rather my dad screwed his mistress not screwed my mum in a care home.

I completely agree with this, having nursed quite a few ladies with end stage dementia who to all intents and purposes could not be a wife anymore. A few whose husbands made their regular duty visits but confided that they had a lady friend. I never judged them for this as everyone deserves a chance of happiness and this situation can go on for many years.

I'm not judging: I am curious.

I guess it makes sense that a register office wedding just requires the couple to be not already married to anyone else and to be freely choosing to be legally married. No definition of what that marriage should look like inluding eg "fidelity" or duration, which also makes sense.

I'm not married to my partner. We have a child together and he has a health condition which could mean I end up being his carer sooner rather than later. I don't presume to know how I might feel at that point.

Some posters are being very sanctimonious

About 30 years ago I was acquainted with someone in a similar position. She lived in an EU country and he lived in another and they used to get together every few months and spent around half the year together in total. He was around 60 she 50

His wife was somehow brain-damaged and been in a long term facility for about five years when she met him. He was wealthy and the wife was getting the best care that money could buy. His adult children were supportive of their father's relationship

I've no idea of the eventual outcome as met her only once as she was just a friend of a friend

He was having an affair and breaking his wedding vows. Are you sure she’s even in a home?

Sorry love, but the first post nailed it.

why are you so intent on making do with scraps? Why don’t you feel worthy of love? Of being adored and treasured.

if you’ve had an intimate relationship, sorry but he’s used you.

i dated online a long time ago, and I realised that I had a lot to learn before I was truly ready for Mr Right.

I’d had dysfunctional relationships with my family, then a brief marriage and then an abusive relationship that chewed me up and spat me out.

when I was Online dating I realised that there were vulnerabilities that I had to fix so that I allowed/attracted and was ready for a healthy relationship.

i saw that each man I dated for a while taught me something about myself.

Early dating taught me not to accept the silent treatment, to beware the lightning speed affection overload or love bombing, that I could meet for a drink, decide they were not right and move on, without fear.

the first OLD relationship I had, a year, taught me that not all relationships are unhealthy or abusive, that I could be safe
but it wasn’t very exciting, and we split when I jokingly asked him after having just done an amazing dinner for us “remind me why you’re with me again..?” He replied “because it’s convenient”

ouch! That stung! So I ended it.

there were those who were in almost identical positions as your ex is, I was lovebombed and he tried to force meeting his kid on me, he was also really mean about his ex. He never listened to my boundaries so I ended that.

I had a narrow escape with someone who I think was bi-polar

the chemistry was insane! I was swept up and besotted. He was. Then he wasn’t, then he was again. I got unceremoniously dumped 3 times - to my shame.

but I’d ignored my previous boundaries and it was clear to me that this is where I went wrong. I’d learned!

then I got talking to someone with no photo (I was convinced he was married, he assured me over and over and over that he wasn’t) we were both away from home over the summer and exchanged emails for a little over a month. I went into this relationship with little hope, but he was interesting and funny. We arranged to meet - eek!

we had our first FaceTime call the day before and he seemed nice enough

we met at my now local pub, he was way better looking than over FaceTime, and we tentatively started to date. I had zero expectations for the first 6m. Didn’t even plan to consider this “a thing” until a year in. My mindset was different to how it had been before, and this is why I think the relationship grew on healthy grounds.

we’ve been together 10 years last Sept, and we got married last June.

hold out for the dream love! Don’t waste time or energy on scraps.

Many many people have life changing illness but they still have their personality, still have an emotional connection to their partner and still give to the relationship. This doesn’t apply with dementia or a catastrophic brain injury for example. They are no longer that person, that personality that made them who they are is gone, there is often no emotional connection to their spouse (Infact they may not even know who their spouse is), they are to all intents and purposes a stranger. I most definitely wouldn’t want my DH to remain faithful in these circumstances. I love him and want him to be happy. I would still want him to support and advocate for me (as many partners do in these circumstances) but I wouldn’t want some arbitrary rule that because I’m breathing but no longer ‘there’ he must stick by vows he made. All made worse by the fact I could live years and years having nothing that constitutes what what most people would consider a marriage.

I respect your personal.view point @Girlintheframe

Now I’ve seen your update and it’s clear he sought you out , while registering for online dating, it’s his fault! He should never have done that if he loves his wife! Sounds like he used it as a means for sex to fill his needs. But isn’t interested in a relationship until after his wife has gone. I’d actually tell him off for doing this to you!

IKR…OP seems like she is ready to be his date for the funeral.

He is married, leave him alone OP

He's not ready, or he's not ready to do this with you. Either way, it's sad and I appreciate how you feel but you need to let this one go.

A friend's father was in this situation and he did eventually find a new partner who he was then with for many years before and after his wife passed. But it didn't happen quickly and his wife had been in a home for a good few years before he started this relationship.