Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

[Peachykeenclean]

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

You clearly have no experience of early onset dementia to make such a ridiculous statement. Everyone who has dementia is differing their presentation and some behaviours mean that the person can’t be managed at home. And the disease is known to be more aggressive in people who develop it early.
I worked in dementia care and relatives were usually absolutely devastated when their loved ones had to go into care - and it was not a decision taken lightly.
I saw as many - if not more - dedicated men caring for their wives . Some of this was because these men finally recognised how much had they depended on their wives. Some of the wives had little patience as carers - perhaps born of resentment for earlier difficulties in the marriage.

You're quoting a religious ceremony where that oath is often taken. I certainly didn't say any of that when I married decades ago in a civil ceremony.

As for "last days" someone with early onset dementia might last 20 years from diagnosis. The average is 10 years.

Get off your high horse I have a parent and grandparent with it now. Early is manageable at home it gets scary as it progresses.

You experience isn’t everyone’s one and quite frankly your judgemental attitude when you don’t know that I know vey first hand from
multiple family members is insulting.

The poor guy probably just needs your support and a listening ear. It’s very hard looking after a close relative with dementia.

My friend looks after his elderly mum and he’s absolutely broken by it. He’s a very bright and caring older man and his brother has left him to it. Several of us (male and female friends) provide emotional support as it’s very hard for him. When his mum is agitated, she can be up and down on the night and my friend doesn’t get any sleep. He’s also trying to hold down a job to pay the bills. He’s ‘lucky’ in that his IT skills pay well but he’s doing his best for her. She’s adamant she won’t go into a care home and he feels under enormous pressure to care for her at home.

Honestly, I’m disgusted by some of these responses. 😡

What on earth are you on about???? You say that someone with early onset dementia shouldn’t be in a care home. That’s a vile statement without any understanding of what early onset dementia is or what people’s circumstances are. Early onset set dementia has absolutely nothing to do with how advanced the dementia is.
You may well have grandparents with dementia, but your statement that people with early onset set don’t need to be in care is fucking awful and utterly moronic.

No, you've just proved you have no idea. Early onset means the patient is younger than "normal" when it starts. It still progresses like it does in elderly peole.

It isn't moronic. My parent is functioning fine at home being looked after by my other parent. Early onset can be very manageble at home. It isn't a vile statement. I live it every day. It's scary now it's advanced so I get this first hand.

Your experience isn't everyones experience but I'm not going to argue the insults and aggression. I am allowed my opinion. You may not like it (cleary!) but I have direct experience so my opinion isn't mute.

I won't respond any further. Good luck to you.

Early onset means she was relatively young when it started not the stage she is at now

You may have grandparents or parents with it but your knowledge about it suggests someone else cared for them

Also even if you wee the carer that is not the same as being a spouse carer. I cared for both my father and grandma when they were terminal with cancer. However I had my partner to be there as my rock throughout. That made it easier on me. Whereas now I am my his carer I have no partner to lean on and my life in general is also massively changed in ways most people who have not been in our position could not understand.

This is one of the very few situations where I think a spouse going outside the marriage for companionship and love is ok.

His wife has advanced dementia, she's being well cared for. But it's a living death and the husband is grieving. He's looking to date, but it sounds like he's feeling guilty about it and he's going emotionally numb. He's not going to be able to be a caring partner and he recognizes that. His plate is overloaded and his emotions are shut down.

You've done right to break it off because of that.

I’m sorry about your individual circumstances. It’s very difficult. But your own personal experience doesn’t tell you anything about other people’s presentation. My job was all about trying to manage people at home. In the majority of cases this was possible but not always. And it became more difficult as the illness progressed. The younger patients definitely had a more aggressive course .
Families often tried absolutely everything before admitting defeat.

Ok, I’ll say it again… EARLY ON SET DEMENTIA IS NOT THE SAME AS THE EARLY STAGES OF DEMENTIA.

Early on set dementia is a diagnosis. It’s a different form of the disease that hits younger people. You have early onset set dementia because you were younger when you got it. It has absolutely nothing to do with how advanced the disease is.

It’s really not that hard to grasp. But in failing to understand this you are being incredibly insensitive and offensive.

The OP has said in one of her posts that he looked after his wife at home for ' 5 or 6' years' before she went into a care home. This is no longer 'early stage' and 'early onset' (ie symptoms start when the person is younger than is usual for dementia) can progress faster

Yes, it's even more heartbreaking than "regular" dementia and can go on for decades.

I'm afraid Itsbeenalongtimeincoming you owe some apologies here.

Okay all the bad on me. I hold my hands up I read it as 'early stage' not 'early onset'. Apologies for the confusion - totally my misreading. But thanks for the understanding everyone - reactions have been eye opening.

😆 You did rather dig your heels in, and not very kindly, when people tried to explain.

Yeah I guess it was the accusing me of lying about not knowing or having any experience what it was like while watching a parent and grandparent go through it continued the blind seeing. I'm sure those apologies will follow shortly.

Not anything I would ever wish on anyone. Horrific beyond measure.

Out of interest, how old are you both?

Not many people on mumsnet are grown up enough to apologise when wrong. So well done you and thank you for that.

And a lady friend who could be in the same situation as him . In that case I could see how they would have something in common that brought them together which led them to support each other and it then developed into intimacy .

So did both your parent and grandparent get a diagnosis under 65?

That is what early onset is.... It is NOT the early stages of the disease....

I think it’s weird to date someone married. She’s still alive and his vows said in sickness and in health. She hasnt died yet so maybe stop pushing her into her grave and jumping into her bed.

It is statistically far more common for a man to be unfaithful and/or leave a marriage altogether when his wife becomes ill than vice versa. Whatever we think of the man in OP’s case, he’s not the first and he won’t be the last. Our society largely turns a blind eye to men doing these things when they lose the ‘use’ of their wife.

I must say I was impressed with them apologising but then they blew it in their next post. Therefore obviously still doesn't get it or just here to wind up people. Basically I agree with you on this one

Think they need to either delete this thread from their feed or go back and read the whole thread again to see their own behaviour