Relationship with somone who's wife has dementia

[Peachykeenclean]

Does anyone have any experiences of this? I started a relationship with a guy who has a wife who is now in a care home with early-onset dementia. He has now said he has no capacity for love just yet. I was happy with the restrictions on the relationship regarding not getting to know his family or friends, but now that he says he cannot love anyone else, I have walked away even though we are a fabulous fit.

I didn't say that I would take a new partner. I'm the one with dementia in that example.

I've been widowed for 15 years and chosen not to look for another partner. So I suspect that, even if my DH had given me permission in the scenario in my post above, I probably wouldn't have done anything about it. I'm someone who's comfortable with her own company, and not particularly keen on taking on a new partner and having to adapt to them.

But yes, I hope my DH would have behaved sensitively had he found someone else in that scenario, particularly as we have daughters. I hope I'd also have mentioned my wish/permission to them too, so they'd have tried to understand.

I remember that Louis Theroux programme. And yes, people with dementia do often form relationships with others in the care home. Sadly it's not unusual for dementia sufferers to behave sexually. My MIL certainly showed an awkward amount of interest in a gentleman in her care home 😳

My grandmother didn't have dementia but frankly did have a thing for younger men. This could get alarming with waiters in a restaurant for example. Can't imagine what she would have been like with man carers if ended up in a home, mind boggles.

Do have a vague recollection of that documentary I think. It sound ms very familiar.

Personally, I don’t think much of either of them.

My dad is in a v similar position. My mum has been ill with early onset dementia diagnosed about 10/11 years ago. He is her full time carer and has been since needed. He found someone else about 2 years, at
first it was just friendship and someone to talk to as my
mum lost any recognition of herself, unable to hold a conversation and just yes or no answers. My
dad was lonely. Yes, it was hard for him to tell us and hard for us to hear but my dad was 60 at the time and fit and healthy. He hasn’t deserted mum and he deserves happiness.

Dementia is f*ing cruel and no one can judge or understand unless in that position.

Believe me if he had family there was no way on earth they would accept you anyway.

Have you read the post above yours?

I think to add more to this story and no-one else has asked, How did you start a relationship with this man?
Did he actually reciprocate this relationship..or did you just wish for this to happen?

Online dating—hence my slight chagrin regarding his emotional availability, as why would you date online unless you are pretty sure you are emotionally ready? He was happy to continue the relationship; I was not. While I may understand his situation, I personally didn't want to be his therapy.

The man was lonely and only thinking about himself - that’s why he went on a dating website.

I think there are a lot of judgemental posts here and the reality is a lot messier than it can seem.

My dad has dementia. He is in a home. He’s still married to my mum. She has met someone new. She still visits my dad two or three times a week, every week. And she still loves my dad. But he stopped being her husband over a decade ago. Over the past decade (until my dad went into the home) my mum washed him, clothed him, changed his nappy every day, wiped his bum, sat and played with the water aqua pens and other games you’d give a two year old. She gave up her life for him for the best part of a decade. Dad is now violent and non verbal. He’s been non verbal for years now. He does not know who I am. He doesn’t know who my mother is. When we go and visit him, he often gets up and walks away. And yet, week in, week out she goes.

But all of that doesn’t stop her being lonely. It doesn’t stop her wanting to live her life again (after being a captive in her own home for so many years). It doesn’t stop her wanting to have someone meaningful in her life. So she has a new boyfriend and the family accept and welcome him. We try to not judge her very difficult decisions, and we try to understand. It’s hard and at times, I find it very hard. But isn’t the saying not to judge until you walk in someone else’s shoes. I recognise my dad has gone. He went years ago now. Of course, I visit him every week. I sit with him and show him picture books and read him stories. But he’s not there any more.

So I understand the man without judgement. Dementia is particularly isolating as so many people are so judgemental. But life is messy, it’s conflicting and new relationships amongst the other halves of dementia patients is much more common than you might think.