AIBU for calling off marriage for good without proposal after 4 years?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Its my four year anniversary with my partner this weekend.
Im 33, my boyfriend 31.

This is the happiest I've ever been; I have never loved anyone more than this calm, cool, easygoing yet passionate, patient, loyal, funny, handsome, interesting and genuine person. I am so in love. We only moved in this year after the 3 yr mark and its been working out well. We haven't ever had a true 'fight' and generally sort micro issues out there and then. If I'm honest theres only one true fight we have which I've given up on now ; engagement. Nobody else has ever come into our relationship.

I was really surprised to learn that 2 yrs ago when my boyfriend was at a stag do and his friends drunk called me to say hi, his best friend said "hey, you better tell your man IM gonna be HIS best man at YOUR wedding!!!!!!". I felt so excited by this idea as I always thought a 2 yr mark would be ideal if you know youre with "the one". But to my horror I brought it up with him the next day and he said "yeah..im DEFINITELY not ready for THAT"... my boyfriends friends (who ive now inherited as my own) told me he is very "to the book". He was always a Mummy's boy too, following whatever his parents did (they were engaged after five yrs of dating but met at 20!).

The argument was brought up every few months as I saw our friends get engaged within 1-3 years and our last anniversary was awful! I was PMSing and a couple next to us in the posh restaurant looked like they were about to get engaged and I cracked. I told him 3 years was a LONG time not to be engaged and that knowing him with his very long timeline, we wouldn't even be married until I hit 40.

I cant lie, seeing him finally move out of his family house and move in with me has made me realise he DOES want a future. He asked that we open up a bank account together and he has been looking for houses. Quite frankly i feel like he is the one putting in the effort now. We continuously talk about our kids names and it seems he wants kids before marriage merely because the people in our city REALLY milk the wedding. Im talking big, glamour, whitest weddings. I understand that this would be the penultimate stressor.

I dont believe I'd be excited when he proposes now. Its like the novelty has worn off and I have told him that if we're not engaged by next year, I will never marry him. He seemed terribly devastated by this and I felt guilty but reminded him that this relationship isnt on his timeline only.
Honestly, his blasé attitude has put me off having children with him as he doesnt seem to understand im already in peri and most likely wont want a baby after 35.

Im anxious.
I love this man so much but worry how pathetic I'll feel announcing our 4 yr anniversary knowing we're not one step closer to being married. I feel embarrassed also being the older one in the relationship.
I do not want to end this and wonder if it is a step too extreme to completely write off marriage with him as at this point I will clearly be in my mid to late thirties when we actually do it.

There is a small glimmer of hope in me that it may happen this weekend but it feels wishful- my boyfriend was asking me about whether we could see my parents before we go away. He also asked abouy my dad's new job and his scheduled breaks in particular which he never does. He also asked if we could go "very fancy" to the restaurant and suggested I get my hair and nails done the day before which he hasn't done previously but im not holding my breath.

Advice? Thoughts?

Well it sounds like your threats have worked. Shallow victory, right?

Are you me? I could've written this all myself!

You've only just moved in together and was it early this year or a couple of months ago? Even if it was early this year, don't you think that's too early to say you're definitely compatible living together?

i think you’re being unreasonable
i get it. It’s annoying waiting. But honestly wedding is just a party and a legal contract and nothing really changes!

You need to decide what you want. You've been together 4 for years, so would think you know well enough what your plans for life would be ie marriage and children. You need to sit down and have a cards on the table conversion - and if he's not interested or fobs you off, you can then make an informed decision about what you do.
FWIW I was proposed to after about 9 months, married 7 months later and had a child the following year and another a couple of years later!
I was a similar age to you and wouldn't have hung around indefinitely!

Oh for heaven sake. It’s not the last century. If you want to get married, say you want to get married 🙄

How will you feel if he does propose this weekend because you've bullied him into it, instead of it happening naturally and when he's 100% ready? You sound desperate, not happy.

No to both.

As I said, I was speaking based on people I know who got married after very long term relationships. 10 or more years, in many cases.

If I was looking to get married, I imagine it would be a long term thing that only happened after many years.

Bloody hell.

My word, does even getting engaged have to so practical now? It should be a romantic feeling that you want to do, not discuss ideal wedding, finances etc.

Yes, back in the day, I'm old school but not entirely. Many friends have loving relationships and have never got married, piece of paper, but it does actually change so much. Reading I had an affair with her boyfriend/married man does inded change perception.

My advice is when canoodling, just say how you would love to be engaged and you don't care about a big expensive wedding or ask him yourself. You don't want to do this, I get that, you would rather he stepped up and did the romantic gesture.

Me and DH were barely out of studenthood, had been together for 3 and a half years, late 20s and had spoken about getting engaged in the late 1990s. I was hinting that we had talked about it but he told me was waiting the right time and place and it happened.

I hope he has this planned but life is different these days and being married isn't seen as important, it is to you and that's what matters. Best of luck darling ♥️ xxx

My point is don’t stress!

And the bf sounds like he's using the OP as a launching pad.

She's a handy relationship to bridge the gap between mamma's boy and fiancé of somebody else.

So why is the BF so reluctant to buy the ring and sign that dotted line, if it changes nothing?

It's because he doesn't see his future with the OP. Hes stringing her along, future faking with the baby name chat and talk of buying a house together - after all, his alternative to the relationship with her is moving back in with mum and dad. He only recently moved out from there and is probably so used to having someone else cook, and do his laundry for him that he wouldnt know where to start if faced with the prospect of looking after himself.

Shuggles, why do you think being together for ten-plus/many years before marriage is normal or a prerequisite? There's a school of thought - it might be from some research, I can't remember - that says if you wait that long, it's because one party has doubts, and that couples who marry after 3-4 years together have the best outcomes. Maybe you've never really been in love? I don't mean that as an insult!! But usually, when someone is sure about the other, they want to lock them down, so to speak. Also, the danger with looooong relationships is that one party isn't happy with the lack of commitment, and might break up in search of more romance and a stronger love. The issue is that with marriage being available as an option, the longer you're in a relationship the more the question becomes, "Well, why DON'T you want to marry me, if you love me as you say you do?"

Note: The above applies to younger people who are maybe going to start a family. I think it's completely different if you're older and have been married before. I'm in my fifties and had a long and horrible marriage, and cannot imagine marrying or cohabiting again. At this age, it also really complicates the estates. Any man I was with would likely have children, and I have three niblings who I want to have my stuff. But I don't think you find many women aged around thirtyish who want marriage and kids and are OK with waiting ten-plus years to get married!

What adult “announces” a 4 year anniversary? To who? And why?

He might propose this weekend though! Am excited....

Exactly what I was thinking, this is why this thread is so teen like

And the anniversary is from when exactly, the first kiss, the first date, the first I love you?

Who retains something like this?

It changes everything. As you said, you are in a legal contract, which is a big thing. For another, it makes people into parents-in-law and siblings-in-law. Marriage creates new familial relationships where none existed before. It also changes the public perception of a relationship, for the simple reason that people know you are committed for life, not for just right now. For example, an employer would probably be much more understanding if someone said they had to take a couple of weeks off work to look after their ill husband or wife, instead of their girlfriend or boyfriend. With the latter, the assumption is that they have family relationships for that kind of thing, and you aren't their family. I know that makes no sense if you live together, but society does not take unmarried relationships as seriously as married ones, because you have the option of marriage and if you choose not to take it, you can't be that serious, is the underlying societel assumption. That's why your blood family are your next of kin if you're not married. Being married is also a psychological switch. "Husband" and "wife" are terms that carry a lot more import than gf/bf.

Speaking of which, marriage changes inheritance, it changes who can visit you in hospital, who has the say if you can't speak for yourself, what happens to your body if you die...it changes everything. The people who say it's just a piece of paper are either trying to get out of marrying their partner, or are people whose partner isn't keen and they're pretending that they don't mind. I wouldn't listen to anyone who says marriage is just a piece of paper. It so isn't.

Don't be mean, folks. Some people like to celebrate their relationship in different ways in the years before they marry and gain a wedding anniversary to celebrate. I think it's sweet. Most of us could do with more celebration in our lives, not less.

If he doesn’t ask you this weekend, go and buy him a ring and propose to him yourself. Then you will have your answer. I proposed to my husband as I knew he’d never get round to it, I wanted to be married before having kids and I was approaching my mid 30s. Thankfully he said yes, but it was actually really nerve wracking.
If yours says no, separate, and if he realises that was a bad decision he will come back to you. If not, you’re free to move on and find someone on the same timeframe as you.

I’ve been married ten years. Before we married we were living together. His family was super close with me. It literally felt like a piece of paper we signed and a great party. It didn’t change how we felt or how meaningful the relationship is for us. It just made it more in the eyes of others. And yes legally I said that.

Somehow, I don't think OP is coming back. Her last post was yesterday morning.

lol I think you need to calm down. 3 years isn’t that long you don’t need to put pressure on it. We got engaged after 7 years and 2 kids! We only got married last year and it’s coming up to our official 11 year anniversary

Had you not discussed marriage before, when you talked about your future? Goo for you, proposing, though!