Does this email suggest my husband had an affair with our nanny?

[Catloverlady]

A woman who worked for us as a housekeeper / nanny part time, sent me a message on Facebook messenger. I don’t use it often and found it yesterday. It was sent last November.

it says my husband slept with her in our bed.

then I asked my husband and showed him her messages. He said she approached him but he dismissed her. But then had some emails he said she had written.

one reply from him as follows :-

Hi, I only just found this email….as I was not expecting to hear from you again.

I am happy to have a call with you to talk things over as I do not want you feeling used or upset. I would like to be on good terms with you…I don’t want bad feeling.

I think it is unfair to suggest contacting my name you said you would not cause trouble. To contact my name would just cause huge upset for both our partners and families and helps nobody.

We were nice to each other, but things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.

You might feel rejected or dismissed…but I didn’t reject or dismiss you - it just wasn’t workable. I did respect you, despite what you think.

what do you make of this? Surely it’s an admission ?? He’s denying anything happened.

He might just as well have written "I fucked the nanny" in big letters on the bedroom wall. He must think you're stupid OP if he's trying to gaslight himself out of this. Any jury in the land would bang him to rights on those messages. Divorce him and take him to the cleaners. Nasty prick.

I don’t know.
I know I don’t want to be with someone who is dishonest and can hook up with someone in that way.
he said she emailed him a year ago one year after she stopped working for us. That’s his line. Of curse I can’t corroborate that. I don’t know if I believe him. It’s all so odd. He said he deleted texts as he wanted it to go away.

I really don’t understand what you are questioning. Of course he did it. His email is really clear.
Even without his email, her message is clear. Women very rarely confess to affairs with other peoples husbands. Even fewer lie about it. So the balance of probability, even without his completely damning email, is she’s telling you the truth. And probably only the tip of the iceberg.

He sounds dangerously manipulative and you sound a bit naive.

It definitely sounds like he cheated, but honestly does it matter whether you find out for sure?

He sounds dreadful. You don't have to prove he cheated with the nanny to decide you've had enough of this marriage. You can just decide that you don't want to be with him any longer.

He's clearly cheated on you in the past, and probably far more often than you think. He's just not been found out. This won't be an isolated event, sadly.

@Catloverlady ,

Do you know the Shaggy song ‘it wasn’t me’?! If not, I suggest you google it and have a listen or read the lyrics.

Because that is what I guess that 90%+ of the people reading your thread are thinking; that you could actually catch your husband with someone and he would still find a way to deny it. And you would actually give his denial some credibility.

I do understand it is very different when it is your relationship and your life. A useful exercise is to imagine a friend of yours told you what you have written on this thread about your husband’s behaviour. What would you think her husband had done and what would you advise her to do?

Yes I hear you.
I dont necessarily need evidence as I am able to work things out myself. I’m not stupid. I’m actually very intelligent and also financially independent so I don’t rely on him and don’t need him.
I just put it out there to ask for thoughts as it’s such a weird email to send and to show me.

Unfortunately he’s a dishonest and very difficult person. Manipulative and calculated. I know what I will do and that is to leave him as I don’t trust him. Whether or not I have evidence messaging is a betrayal in itself. I don’t understand why he didn’t show me the email where she initially approached him and then the texts why they were deleted subsequently and then this email he has shown me which he thinks exonerates him. It’s all so screwed up and I don’t want it in my life or around my children. Thank you to all who contributed. I appreciate it. Xx

He’s very strange.
he said that she approached him by email but that email has now been deleted and all texts which I think is highly suspicious.
then he said he wrote this to get rid of her. Because he was afraid she would make up a story and tell me. And I wouldn’t believe it. All very odd

I’m not naive. I haven’t said here that I believe anything he’s said.
I’m going to be leaving him which isn’t naive.
I’m the victim here. It would be good to be kind
and not insult my intelligence. Which isn’t low by the way.

You are dealing with a massive shock OP can you ask him to leave for a few says so you can think clearly as he is still denying it. He has to see that until he can be honest with you, you will not be able to move forward in the relationship. If you do believe an affair has happened and you cannot live with that, then yes as difficult as it will be you should leave it will only eat away at you. Does he not understand that the “lies he is telling” are as damaging as his affair. Looking back were their any signs of their closeness ? Can you contact her via a second phone ?

I’m really sorry this has happened OP X

Come on. You’re exhausted, shocked and looking for a plausible excuse. There isn’t one, no one threatens to tell the wife ‘nothing happened’ and no one wants someone to not feel used, for anything other than sex.

If you’ve forgiven him before, he’ll be confident he can bullshit you out of anything. If this was 3 years ago, who knows what else he’s been up to.

Good. I hope you prove this is true with your response to him. Stay strong.

Good luck OP - sounds like you’ve got this! 💐

Thanks for the really (un)helpful remarks. Let’s hope nothing ever happens to you.

OP You’re not naive, you’re deeply hurt and want it not to be true, that’s understandable. Unfortunately you’re also being gaslit by your DH which can make even the most astute person question themselves and think they’re going mad. Please stop trying to make any sense of it just now and trust how it’s making you feel. You deserve better.

It's easy to sit and comment on someone else's life but ofcourse noone can understand what turmoil you're in. I do think you understand that logically he has been cheating and he's a manipulative twat and you would eventually be happier without that kind of person in your life.

But... it's hard to look at things clearly when you're being gaslit and when you have spent years with someone you thought loved you and respected you. To have all that blown away makes you feel crazy and humiliated. There is a reason to why victims of domestic abuse don't "just leave". For an outsider it looks like an easy logical decision but when you're selfworth is broken down it's very hard to take action.

You are not stupid. Far from it. You are in a crisis and you need to work your way through hard feelings and get emotional (and practical) support so you can act in whatever way you choose to. 💐

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I appreciate it. 🫶This is very accurate. It’s very hard for all of those reasons and as you say it’s my life and my children’s too. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

What an excellent response.

After some of the drivel I have seen on other posts this last few days, its so refreshing to see there are some nice MNer's out there that don't judge and actually offer proper practical advice and support.

He isnt being strange or odd, though. He’s just grasping at straws and saying whatever he thinks will push you off the scent a bit, or will have you questioning yourself.

@TheBlueKoala so true. Also being betrayed causes a trauma response - your closest person, has chosen to stab you in the back. The person you would confide in and seek reassurance from created the issue that has caused you trauma.

It’s a shit situation op. I hope you have real life support.