Does this email suggest my husband had an affair with our nanny?

[Catloverlady]

A woman who worked for us as a housekeeper / nanny part time, sent me a message on Facebook messenger. I don’t use it often and found it yesterday. It was sent last November.

it says my husband slept with her in our bed.

then I asked my husband and showed him her messages. He said she approached him but he dismissed her. But then had some emails he said she had written.

one reply from him as follows :-

Hi, I only just found this email….as I was not expecting to hear from you again.

I am happy to have a call with you to talk things over as I do not want you feeling used or upset. I would like to be on good terms with you…I don’t want bad feeling.

I think it is unfair to suggest contacting my name you said you would not cause trouble. To contact my name would just cause huge upset for both our partners and families and helps nobody.

We were nice to each other, but things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.

You might feel rejected or dismissed…but I didn’t reject or dismiss you - it just wasn’t workable. I did respect you, despite what you think.

what do you make of this? Surely it’s an admission ?? He’s denying anything happened.

There's no such thing as a sex addiction. It's disordered behaviour that prioritises what they want over what they need to be doing to remain in a relationship, it's an excuse. He's a piece of shit, get away from him, he is treating you like a doormat.

What is your financial position, can you make an appointment with a solicitor?

The part that stands out to me, is the part where your husband says he didn't want her feeling used. Why would anyone use that phrase, unless something had happened that could be taken that she's been used?! It's an odd phrase to use, if someone hasn't done anything wrong! Also he says they couldn't meet at any time...that implies that they were trying to find a mutually suitable time to meet, but logistics got in the way!

If this woman had indeed 'come on' to your husband, then why is his tone in the email all gentle and soft? Surely, he wouldn't have replied or made it known in the email that her advances weren't wanted and to take a hike?!

Equally if it was all innocent on his part, and she made advances towards him, why didn't he tell you at the time? He's only showing you this now, because she's contacted you!

However, don't for one minute think she's told you because 'you deserve to know'! It's purely for revenge, because she does feel used!

The question is, what are you going to do now?

If it was as simple as she approached him and he turned her down then why all the secrecy? Why not tell you at the time? Why engage in an email back and forth with her?

He's lying.

So 10 years ago, he had a sex addiction. Did that involve sexual contact with others?

He’s a cheat. He was 10 years ago and he was 3 years ago. An arrogant cheat who is so convinced of his own brilliance that he shows you incriminating evidence and thinks he can continue to lie. That because the emails don’t explicitly say “We had sex” that you are too dense/ stupid / naive to work it out.

He’s a loser. He had previous sex addiction which nearly broke you and you overcome or forgave him, now this. The real question is how much can you take and ultimately you deserve so much better. The fact she said they slept together, he used the words ‘used’ and he then said he wrote in the email ‘we didn’t have sex’ for evidence shows he’s manipulative. Ok maybe they didn’t have sex.. but what was it then?

The Bill Clinton playbook - he even broadcast to America from the White House he'd not had 'sexual relations with that woman'!

The seedy truth came out eventually.

If a sex addiction is an addiction, then presumably, like all addictions, you don’t ever stop being addicted, you just learn to control the behaviour.
In which case, he’s fallen off the wagon.

And if (as I suspect) sex addiction is just a euphemism, then doesnt that mean he’s a serial cheat and this is just the latest instance?

Either way that email is a confession of some level of cheating on you with the woman who was meant to be looking after your (HIS) children.

With the new information about the sex addiction, I strongly recommend you get an STD check asap and start getting all financial info you can get your hands on (set up a new email with a password he will never ever guess and save them there.) See a solicitor asap.

Yes, I agree. It sounds like something happened between them, she's blackmailing him and he's decided to call her bluff by telling you which tbh I think is the best thing he could have done.

It takes all the power away from her and presumably removes her from the picture. Now it's up to you and him to work it out.

Aha - he had a sex addiction.

Gooe ‘secret sexual basement’ by a researcher called Minwalla.

He has a website with the paper he wrote plus you can find podcasts too.

Your husband has a secret sexual basement.

Sorry op. Get real life support. He’s a liar.

https://minwallamodel.com/article/ten-steps-to-building-a-secret-sexual-basement/

Something very bad happened between them. Either they slept together, or they were planning to and it simply didn't work out due to practicalities (not him having a change of heart or feeling guilty). This is not a man that can be trusted, I'm afraid.

https://minwallamodel.com/podcasts/

podcasts. If you don’t like clicky links then it should come up if you google it.

I Know. It’s so odd. He’s very arrogant. Never wrong etc

That actually comes across in his email. It seems to show concern for her, but in quite a formal cold way. He's quite matter-of-fact and comes across like someone who is used to being able to decide what reality is for other people.

Don't buy the sex addiction nonsense or do him the favour of pathologising him.

He's a man who is overly pre-occupied with women and when an opportunity presents itself, he takes it.

That reads like something definitely happened.

It sounds like either he did have sex or he would have done. Either way I would be throwing him out before I had finished saying the words "cheating sleazebag"

It does sound incriminating. The one where he says "but we didn't have sex" could suggest there were other things but not full sex but that could have come after. Is there a reply from her after that email?

Have you responded to her message? I know it was November 2025 and you've only just seen it but I would be tempted to ask her.

He sounds like hes trying to do some damage control and its quite pre meditated having emails ready to show you. Especially as its not outright saying he shagged the nanny bit he thinks he can twist the words to look innocent.

It's reasonable this has distressed you.

I'm finding it impossible to tell if he actually slept with her - I feel as though he is letting that make him seem more innocent than he really is, so maybe it is true. It all just stopped short fo that so he thinks he is in the clear.

But to me it is clear that something he knows would "hurt you hugely" happened.

Incidentally, my friend's nanny started to get lazy and impertinent once she was sleeping with her DH. I think that's something that happens, as they find it hard to go from mistress to employee.

They both sound scummy. Sorry OP.

He’s arrogant and never wrong, he “had” a sex addiction, he thinks he’s being clever by showing you this incriminating email… and you are wondering whether there’s still a chance he’s innocent?!
I’m so sorry as it comes through in your messages how much you don’t want to believe this, but please open your eyes and find your anger.
This man is taking you for a fool. It isn’t an equal relationship and you can’t trust him.
Please speak to your friends/family for support and take steps to get this lying sex addict out of your life.
Yes lovely, he did sleep with the nanny, and you are worth so much more than putting up with his arrogant self. Sending hugs and strength.

I would message the other woman back and ask for more details/proof. But yes, it definitely sounds like he has cheated. I don't understand why he would show you that email. It makes him look the opposite of innocent.

It reads to me as “yes we had sex and yes I had intended on continuing and taking this further but due to other commitments I found it difficult to keep a regular schedule with you - and you said you wouldn’t tell my wife”

If it was just that she had shown him attention and he was flattered, and flirted but shut it down, I would imagine the email would be “I explained to you that nothing could or would happen, and yes I’m sorry for allowing that attention to go to my head and to confuse you - I don’t want my wife to find out about our flirting as it would upset her to know that we had been doing this behind her back” - or generally along those lines

His email however absolutely hangs him. Sorry OP. I think he needs to come clean with you.

On a further note, do you have another housekeeper/nanny at the moment? Is there a possibility he could be doing the same with them?

A man like this will only ever admit to what you can 100% prove.

Ask her for more info.

Yes, there was definitely something going on behind your back. Your husband is unfaithful, I am so sorry.

Yes, op, of, of course he slept with her. There are literally no other explanations for it. "arranging to meet, please don't feel used, don't feel rejected".

There aren't things which someone would say if it were just flirting.

Op what’s your objective here, are you trying to find another reason to forgive the cheating again like last time. Last time it was dressed up as sex addiction, this time a mad woman?

you can stay in your marriage for whatever reason you wish. Ypu both clearly know the truth, he cheats on you repeatedly. Pretending it’s something else doesn’t fool either of you, you both just lose a little more self respect for you when you accept it. He won’t stop as he knows you’re not leaving.

if you can live like that and want to stay, then just stop exploring it, if the answer of forgiveness is a given. You don’t need to do a dance, pretend to beleive she’s a blackmailing liar, just stop talking about it and crack on.