Does this email suggest my husband had an affair with our nanny?

[Catloverlady]

A woman who worked for us as a housekeeper / nanny part time, sent me a message on Facebook messenger. I don’t use it often and found it yesterday. It was sent last November.

it says my husband slept with her in our bed.

then I asked my husband and showed him her messages. He said she approached him but he dismissed her. But then had some emails he said she had written.

one reply from him as follows :-

Hi, I only just found this email….as I was not expecting to hear from you again.

I am happy to have a call with you to talk things over as I do not want you feeling used or upset. I would like to be on good terms with you…I don’t want bad feeling.

I think it is unfair to suggest contacting my name you said you would not cause trouble. To contact my name would just cause huge upset for both our partners and families and helps nobody.

We were nice to each other, but things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.

You might feel rejected or dismissed…but I didn’t reject or dismiss you - it just wasn’t workable. I did respect you, despite what you think.

what do you make of this? Surely it’s an admission ?? He’s denying anything happened.

This man really is nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is, is he? That email was written in an odd way that he presumably thought he’d worded cleverly, so it wouldn’t incriminate him - ‘we were nice to each other’?!?! - and he’s thick enough to think he succeeded.😣

Definitely cheated, if he’s done nothing wrong he wouldn’t have written the rest of that. If someone tried to blackmail my non cheating husband by telling me he cheated he wouldn’t be showing me the conversations from the off and being like “can you fucking believe this!?” And then he would tell them to fuck right off.

If someone tried to blackmail me by threatening to tell my husband that I slept with them I’d be furious and complaining to my husband, not saying things like “we don’t need to mention this to anyone”. Probably also hunt them down with husband in tow and demand an explanation.

Sorry OP, he’s treated you in a shambolic manner.

I have written some general replies as I’m obviously very distressed. I engage with the posts and appreciate the support and suggestions.
saying you feel used and suggesting to tell me is just odd if nothing happened and why after two tears of working with us would she start contacting him by emails.
He said she approached him by email. That she found the email online. I asked did she text and ge said he had blocked her. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t have told me at the time if she was hassling him but that’s not the case. It’s just the story he’s telling now i know.

He also wrote in another ‘we didn’t have sex’ he said he wrote this so that he had evidence should she tell me. I mean how does that make any sense at all??

This man sounds quite frightening. Does he believe he has such a hold over women that he thinks he can -

Sleep with an employee then dismiss her from his life with that patronising tone a Nd chastisement about potentially causing trouble
Show something so utterly incriminating to his wife yet inform her he's innocent in this? He can't even be bothered to put a good defence together.

OP I'm so sorry this is who your husband has shown himself to be. I would imagine you are in total shock. Is there anyone you can rely on IRL?

Yes I think that is an admission email. I guess she told him she was going to tell you and he is trying to set the narrative so she has nothing to show you. That email is damning though.

Why dont you reply to the message as im sure if there is evidence of any emails or texts, she may have kept them

This sounds beyond damming, I don't think I would need any more evidence. Obviously your DH is not to be trusted.

Well he has told you why he write it. It does not mean he wasn’t lying on it. He has been trying to create a narrative for you.

It's pretty clear they what's happened.

Something (probably full sex, maybe planning and sexting) happened between them.
He cut it off and tried to ignore her.
She reacted by messaging him, making threats to expose the sitting around doing no work while asking for pay rises.

He's caught. He needs to own up.

Op, does he think you are stupid or something .?
It is obvious that something went on

@Catloverlady ,

Do you tend to play the subservient role in your household? Maybe I am miles off the mark but it almost sounds like you normally would ask for and respect his opinions without challenging them too much, which is why this is so hard for you. And why he thinks he can show you incriminating e mails and you will just believe what he says about them.

There are obvious follow up questions.

If you didn’t sleep with her, what did happen between you.

Why are you saying you are sorry she felt used. Why would she have felt that.

Why weren’t you furious when she sent the email if nothing happened between you.

I wonder how he would reply to those.

Consider this. Rather than looking at the details of the email, ask yourself if this is the kind of email you would send to an ex employee?

There is nothing in this email to convince me it was a professional relationship, so on those grounds, I'd be deciding on whether I could be with him.

I don’t think it’s relevant at all whether he had sex with her or what does “being nice to eachother” mean. He outright states that the reason they didn’t have sex (if they didn’t) was purely because of logistics (“couldn’t arrange to meet (…) so it fell apart”). This is not a - “you mistook me being polite as something it wasn’t. I told you then I am happily married and completely not interested.” This is a- “well if you were more flexible with your calendar it could’ve been something but you weren’t so don’t complain”. That’d be it for me faster than a one off “mistake” as that indicates planning and premeditation (and complete openness to sleeping with anyone who could be more accommodating).

Of course something happened between them. She’s told you herself and his email is glaringly obvious!
Have you replied to her?

If he didn't physically cheat he certain chased it. Bin him

@Catloverlady you should break it down as @Piknik suggested. Take each sentence and ask him to explain each reference. Some of them don't make sense. Tell him the emails between them read differently to the version he is spinning to you. .This ' things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart' doesn't make sense as he has explained it.
Watch his body language and his responses.
..

If this was my husband with the nanny, his feet wouldn’t even touch the ground on his way out the door.

I’m sorry OP. What a horrible betrayal of trust.

Guilty

This smacks of “I did not have intercourse with that woman”.

He was unfaithfully talking, flirting, planning, leading on the nanny. He may well have let it go before they had sex but he was fully engaged in the build up at the very least and the wording of the email shows that.

Infidelity isn’t all about having sex. He was unfaithful and now he is lying to you by omission at best.

I hope that she gets her comeuppance, too. A nanny, hired to look after children but does a half arsed job of it, has sex with her employer’s husband in her bed. She then possibly tries to blackmail the husband, which I believe is a crime (in the UK, at least). If there are registers of Nannie’s wherever this occurred, I hope she’s struck off it.

None of the above absolves the husband of what looks like deceitful and revolting behaviour.

Hi OP,

I have been in my own share of mind-bending conversations so just as a benchmark : faithful husbands/partners do not specify (in writing, no less) that they did not have sex with someone.

In a monogamous relationship, fidelity is taken as a foundational rule.

Also, I hate this "but we didn't have sex" excuse.

Did you confide in this person?
Did you talk about us?
Did you flirt?
Did you seek them out when you didn't need to/shouldn't have?
Did you say things you couldn't / wouldn't / shouldn't say to me?
Did you laugh about me?
Did you hold hands? Kiss? Cuddle? Make out? Share fantasies?

To me personally, all of these acts would be a betrayal whether or not they got to playing hide the sausage. The fact that there is even an email suggesting something beyond "pick up time for DC has changed" is a massive red flag in this situation.

Someone might argue that they said to an employee, "I didn't want you to feel used " if they gave them employment then let them go quickly, maybe.

But this:

we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.

I don't see how this could mean anything innocent or work related, and then with everything else in the email it now all looks suspicious.

Yes he definitely did.

Very careful choice of words 'we were nice to each other' could be interpreted several ways, but fairly damning whichever meaning you take, and not being able to meet anywhere.