Does this email suggest my husband had an affair with our nanny?

[Catloverlady]

A woman who worked for us as a housekeeper / nanny part time, sent me a message on Facebook messenger. I don’t use it often and found it yesterday. It was sent last November.

it says my husband slept with her in our bed.

then I asked my husband and showed him her messages. He said she approached him but he dismissed her. But then had some emails he said she had written.

one reply from him as follows :-

Hi, I only just found this email….as I was not expecting to hear from you again.

I am happy to have a call with you to talk things over as I do not want you feeling used or upset. I would like to be on good terms with you…I don’t want bad feeling.

I think it is unfair to suggest contacting my name you said you would not cause trouble. To contact my name would just cause huge upset for both our partners and families and helps nobody.

We were nice to each other, but things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.

You might feel rejected or dismissed…but I didn’t reject or dismiss you - it just wasn’t workable. I did respect you, despite what you think.

what do you make of this? Surely it’s an admission ?? He’s denying anything happened.

When did she send the email OP, if it was ages ago and he was innocent then why is he only showing you it now? Surely a random email from the nanny would warrant a conversation with his wife?

What on earth goes through the head of a man? He showed you that email as proof of his innocence? What he hell

Even if he didn’t sleep with her he clearly wanted to. That would be enough for me. He’s probably done it before. Chuck him out and good riddance.

I don't know how else you would interpret that? Any other explanation is a ridiculous stretch. Especially given the fact that she messaged you to tell you it had happened!

Hi, I only just found this email….as I was not expecting to hear from you again.
Already intimate. Why would he 'hear from' ex-nanny??

I am happy to have a call with you to talk things over as I do not want you feeling used or upset. I would like to be on good terms with you…I don’t want bad feeling.
'Used' - to me, this term specifically relates to the feeling of having sex with soemone and then being rejected. He fancied her, he fucked her, he decided that his home life was too comfy to jeopardise. I don't want 'bad feeling' - I don't want you to cause trouble.

I think it is unfair to suggest contacting my name you said you would not cause trouble. To contact my name would just cause huge upset for both our partners and families and helps nobody.
What does she have to 'contact you' about? If nothing he would ask this? 'Contact my wife about what exactly?'

We were nice to each other, but things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.
We had sex, it was nice but there weren't enough opportunities to justify the risk

You might feel rejected or dismissed…but I didn’t reject or dismiss you - it just wasn’t workable. I did respect you, despite what you think.
I treated you appallingly after a couple of fucks. I didn't respect you but I will say anything at this point to stop you telling my wife.

I'm sorry OP, but this really is NOT the message of someone who has done nothing. Do not let him gaslight you - it's right in front of your eyes. You have more evidence from BOTH of them than the majority of posters on here who have a 'feeling' their spouse has cheated.

At the very least that email shows that he planned on cheating but it definitely reads as if something happened then didn't turn into anything but more from lack of opportunity then want.

To those saying he might not have slept with her but clearly wanted to.... why would she feel used and rejected? Of course he did. In OPs bed as the Nanny kindly pointed out.

From both her message and the email it sounds as if they slept together at least once.

Ok so he had an affair with her. What do you plan to do @Catloverlady

Stop focussing on her, though her behaviour is reprehensible, focus on your rekationship with him

Do you love him, can you forgove him, is he nornally deceitful, does he typically think youre gullible or unintelligent enough not to see through his deception etc... Then decide what to do.

Rarely does forgiving an affair work...

I'm afraid that the reference to her feeling used suggests that something happened 😕 I'm so sorry OP, it's a horrible shock and you must feel very betrayed and let down.

If the nanny made a pass at you, you would presumably tell your husband and find a way to sack her. It’s not a good situation for the children never mind the household.

You wouldn’t keep her on, then engage is secretive emails after her departure.

He is a cheat. It’s rarely their first time.

Oh and the message suggests she has a family who would also be upset - so I’d send her message to her husband/partner too. Let her face consequences too.

The odd thing is why he would engage in this conversation if nothing happened. I believe something happened.
it’s such a classic story.
he says she is being vindictive and making this story up as I fired her. She was basically not working and just sitting down on her phone for hours messaging and calling people. She became very strange and started to ask for more money for doing nothing outstanding. He says it’s vengeful. I don’t agree as it was 3 years ago she finished working with us and that message was a year ago that she sent me and the emails also. Why start that two years later.

i would say that he had an affair. Why would he say he didn’t want her feeling used or upset?

@Catloverlady ,

‘The odd thing is why he would engage in this conversation if nothing happened. I believe something happened.
it’s such a classic story.
he says she is being vindictive and making this story up as I fired her. She was basically not working and just sitting down on her phone for hours messaging and calling people. She became very strange and started to ask for more money for doing nothing outstanding. He says it’s vengeful. I don’t agree as it was 3 years ago she finished working with us and that message was a year ago that she sent me and the emails also. Why start that two years later.’

Is this going to be one of those weird threads (of which there seem to have been a lot recently!) where you don’t actually engage with the replies?

I mean, what you have written here is so tangential to the main issue, which is what did your husband’s e mail mean, when is sounds so incriminating? How was she ‘used’? What were the ‘lack of opportunities’? Etc How does your husband explain any of it?

100%

If his version of events was true, surely he either wouldn’t have replied or he would have explained that her behaviour was totally inappropriate and a breach of trust.

Also why didn’t he tell you at the time? Or did he? Why wait for her to raise it? Did she carry on working for you after she “propositioned” him they slept together?

I think he's got some kind of opinion of his own powers of persuasion over you, if he shows you that as evidence that nothing happens. He's literally telling you to believe his words over what you can see with your own eyes. Astonishing.

If it was as above board as he's trying to have you believe, why didn't he talk to you about this at the time? Absolute crock of shit OP, he must think you were born yesterday, or he's spent years bullshitting you and thinks you're just going to eat this up too.

I think you need to ask if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck…

@Catloverlady have you replied ? I would reply with ok anything else I should know ? Meet her or call . Then you can weigh up what you think is the truth . However his email confirms it for me .

What does he say “we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.” means? Because to me it suggests they had a plan to meet, probably for sex, at some point. And why an earth would he plan that if she’d tried to come on to him and you’d sacked her?

OP, you know the truth, he cheated on you with the nanny. So what you do now is up to you.

Thank you for all of the replies. I really appreciate it. It’s a total shock.
for context I might have forgotten to add, I don’t use Facebook messenger often and I was looking for a message someone was sending and it was under requests. Hers was there and had been sent a year ago. In November 2025. Hence the delay. Nonetheless his emails align with the timing of her message.
I don’t believe him. He thinks he’s smart showing me the email but this isn’t a work situation it’s our lives. I can decide to not believe it.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....he definitely slept with her.

It is a very incriminating email. I don’t understand why he would show you that to support his “innocence”. It looks like it may only have happened once but it still happened.

He’s lying. He had his way with her and then he dumped her. You’re right, he thinks he’s being smart. Look after yourself op it must be a terrible shock

So sorry OP it definitely sounds like he did sleep with her.

Given your username I'm gonna say #catsbeforetwats ❤️