Does this email suggest my husband had an affair with our nanny?

[Catloverlady]

A woman who worked for us as a housekeeper / nanny part time, sent me a message on Facebook messenger. I don’t use it often and found it yesterday. It was sent last November.

it says my husband slept with her in our bed.

then I asked my husband and showed him her messages. He said she approached him but he dismissed her. But then had some emails he said she had written.

one reply from him as follows :-

Hi, I only just found this email….as I was not expecting to hear from you again.

I am happy to have a call with you to talk things over as I do not want you feeling used or upset. I would like to be on good terms with you…I don’t want bad feeling.

I think it is unfair to suggest contacting my name you said you would not cause trouble. To contact my name would just cause huge upset for both our partners and families and helps nobody.

We were nice to each other, but things didn’t work out ….we simply couldn’t arrange to meet at any time, so it effectively fell apart.

You might feel rejected or dismissed…but I didn’t reject or dismiss you - it just wasn’t workable. I did respect you, despite what you think.

what do you make of this? Surely it’s an admission ?? He’s denying anything happened.

He’s panicking. Don’t talk to him anymore. Keep your mind clear and think about what you want.

either you stay with him, then you need to totally focus on yourself and prioritize yourself and own wellbeing.

or you prepare to leave quietly.

don’t give him the chance to lie and mess your head.

Yes, maybe ask her for proof.

He has clearly had some kind of sexual relationship with this woman. He appears to think that he is very clever and that you are very stupid.

What is your position should you decide to separate?

I agree with the questions other PP have suggested you ask your DH.
Are you going to respond to the OW's message with anything?

Yes this confirms they had a relationship and she threatened to tell you, which she has

Well he’s just admitted his guilt with that

OP..... I'm confused as to why she'd wait 2 years to send you the email.... was something going on that whole time? Have you asked him that? The email he sent saying they hadn't had sex is a pathetic attempt to gaslight both you and her. This all sounds extremely off OP... He is lying to you. Plain and simple. Blatantly.

Has he shown you the emails she sent him?

I Know. It’s so odd. He’s very arrogant. Never wrong etc.
I am so tired I didn’t sleep well. I don’t know what to think.

This a hundred per cent. He thinks you are really stupid op.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Do you have anyone in rl you can talk to too?

Makes one think of Bill Clinton. It's semantics- she gave him blow jobs and he doesn't think that's sex because there was no penetration. Disgusting pig.

Regardless of whether anything physical happened, the email reveals that there was absolutely something happening. If she'd made it up his email would be more like "I'm so confused, what are you talking about?" and he'd have shown you her email or contacts at the time saying "get a load of what the ex-nanny is saying to me, this is nuts" and wouldn't be some acrobatic word salad "I didn't reject you it just wasn't workable" - wtf does he mean? We can surmise that there's been an attraction, a conversation, and he's not just said "no, I am absolutely shutting this down now" he's said "I'd loive to shag you but it's too complicated" It's not some satisfying "gotcha!" moment but it's absolutely enough to question his loyalty and fidelity.

I’m sorry op, this sucks. It double sucks that it happened a while ago and your husband/marriage has been living a lie all this time. You need time to reflect on what you want to do. You know him and your marriage, we don’t. I personally think he’s lying and trying to be clever - why would I show you the emails if I cheated, etc. he put ‘we didn’t sleep together’ in one, but you won’t have the whole email trail to see anything in response. I’d be seeing a lawyer myself tbh, you can’t trust him.

So sorry but I think he’s guilty as charged and I couldn’t forgive him - but that’s easy for me to say.
He also must be really, really dumb showing you such an incriminating email - that in itself would be enough to give me the ick - being married to someone so stupid!
I get the impression that you want to brush all this under the carpet and carry on with your life - I hope it all works out for you.
However, his stuff would be on the doorstep if it was me - what a rat. You won’t be able to trust him ever again.

I’ve asked a few things.
what about the initial message and they are all deleted so I can’t even see what is truth and lies.
why delete it ? It’s incriminating probably.
then why he didn’t show it to me at the start as many of you have suggested. I would if someone approached me. He has admitted he was flattered by her attention but even this implies intention and interest. I honestly don’t know what to think.
around 10 years ago he had a sex addiction and I forgave that. I can’t do it again. It nearly broke me.
im so distressed.

That email might as well read "I shagged you but please don't tell my wife"
Showing you that means he is stupid or thinks you are (or both)

Sounds like he slept with her once hence him saying he don’t want her feeling used they tried to meet again but couldn’t find a time that suited them both. The proof is right there, what an arsehole

This. Come on @Catloverlady - you know exactly what it means.

Of course it does.

im sorry

He definitely did something and was planning on engaging in a full affair

Ok. You know full well he was shagging fhe nanny and she wasn’t some mad woman blackmailing him

and what do you mean he had a sex addiction, do you mean he has history of cheating on you and you’ve both tried to pretend it was a sex addiction ?

if so, then the man is a serial cheat.

Absolutely wouldn't believe his explanation.. sorry you are going through this.
Who does he think he is and then to lie through his teeth.. you deserve so much more x

He must be quite dumb if he thinks showing you this email will somehow help his case. The obvious thing an innocent man would write would be ‘please stop pursuing me, I told you multiple times that I’m not interested. I’m married and I love my wife’, not ‘sorry if you feel used…it just didn’t work out’. They had sex at least once, and the emotional side would have continued for longer. Sorry, OP, but please don’t try to convince yourself that nothing had happened. If you want to stay with him, I’d suggest to him to come clean and try to work through this with you.

You don't need to think, you just need to keep hold of your reality, keep your ears closed and your eyes open, because he will try to warp what you know.

It's important that you do not let him do this, and if you need physical space from him while you work out what to do in order to keep a clear head, then take it.