Husband left after row over our teenager and I feel lost

[NotTonightDeidre]

DH packed his bags & left yesterday.

It basically stemmed from an argument he was having with DD(15). She was shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

We clashed about how best to approach her/the situation (not the first time). He thinks I'm a shit parent.

I don't know what to do. I feel sad, lost and lonely but at the same time I don't think I necessarily want him to come back either. I'm worried what the future will look like, how I will cope.

I'm swinging between thinking sod him & the feeling my world is crashing down around me.

It’s perfectly possible to have respect without “hierarchy”.

Not sure why you can’t respect your kids or be interested in their opinions. Are they particularly silly? I’ve always been interested in my children’s views.

The German military spirit produced 2 world wars..

I agree. And intimidating. It’s not ok. He needs better self-control and boundaries.

A 15 year old shouldn't be screaming "vitriol". None of us did this, except a girl who was being badly bullied, and one who had health problems that the mum didn't get treated. You need to find out what's wrong with her and get her help.

The daughter sounds like a right pain in the arse. As for people saying the Dad has no right to go in her room….er, why not? It’s not like he was rifling through her underwear drawer or reading her diary. He’d gone in there to fix her door!

sounds like she’s been a nightmare for a while and doesn’t respect either of her parents. As for him losing his shit, well, wouldn’t you if you were being screamed at?

Yes, perfectly possible in a lunatic asylum.

I had to have a "conversation" with my husband, he said something inappropriate, it was a long time ago now it went something like :-
Darling if you have an issue with any of the girls speak to me first and I will deal with it, all you need do then is back me up. I never had a problem after that,
parents that disagree is really bad you have lost from the start

That tells me that you aren't much in demand. I am a cleaner that can put FIRM boundaries with my clients because I don't need them, they need a trustworthy, reliable , competent cleaner which they find with me. Clients a ten a penny. I have a waiting list of people who will be happy to work with my boundaries if I'd commit to regular cleaning within their budget.

Maybe upskill so you have more to offer your clients.

So he doesnt get to address issues with the kids himself? He has to escalate to you? :-/

Your DD is a teenager, I feel like your position is absolutely right and I want to give you MASSIVE props for handling things as you do -it’s her room, it’s her makeup, it’s her home. You’re doing great parenting of a teenage girl. He on the other hand, complaining to you about her messiness or her makeup choices, screaming at her, expecting you to take his side against her so he doesn’t lose face.. it’s all just really childish and a bit patriarchal. I totally get you feeling lost, because it’s a shock to have him pack up and leave, but I think if you leave him to it for a few days you might find you’re fine. He’s got some growing up to do.

Yes, raise your child to live in shit. Let them think that's nornal and healthy at this pivotal point in their life. That's what parenting is. Making sure you are liked even if your child is compeltely incompetent as an adult.

It seems to me that the DD takes after her DF and he can't cope with that. They both have a short temper and flyoff thegandke. I feel sorry for OP, living in a war zone in her own home.

This is Mn though, where a teen girl is entitled to act how she wants and should be celebrated for being feisty and brave, and the parent telling her off should be kicked out.
A male teen doing the same? Posters would be telling the op he’s a danger to the younger dc for the shouting/ranting/usual teen angst/vitriol.

To be fair if I had a teenager screaming hateful things in my face, accusing me of things that I hadn't done and my partner refused to help out in any way I'd be removing myself from the situation too.

Sounds like your daughter is a bit of a brat OP and your husband has rightfully had enough.

You would pack your bags and leave your daughter?

The Op did try to calm the situation. Did the dad think she should have joined in by also screaming at their daughter?

Of course, see how she fucking likes it living in a pig pen and avoiding school.

Teenagers screaming abuse at their parents seems to be oddly accepted by certain Mumsnet users, if I ever did that to either of my parents they would have reacted with fury and I wouldn't be sitting down for a week.

OP's husband said he hadn't been in her bedroom, even if he had it wouldn't justify his daughter screaming at him.

Is that not what posters are advising ? The dd hates her dad and screams at him so he should leave?

Isn’t it quite normal for a parent to enter a child’s room, and even look through their stuff sometimes? Because a) it’s the parent’s house, and b) it’s wise to occasionally check there are no vapes, weed, booze, gifts from predatory adults, etc.

I think I’d be especially keen to check for b) on occasion with a volatile, school-refusing teen.

So you would just fuck off pack your bags and leave? And you think that makes you a better parent than the OP?

And stop with the thinking she should have been beaten. That's abuse not good parenting.

I'm not saying that she should have been beaten, but why is her behaviour so acceptable for certain people?

Really late to the party but it’s my house; needs maintaining and upkeep.
it’s my children’s home to enjoy as part of a family.
their bedrooms are to be maintained and tidy PERIOD.
Make up; appropriate
ND; get a psychiatric appointment all this speculate ND you had 15 yrs to sort this.
Parenting is a team sport, sometimes you need to work together. When your ?? tells you how he hates XYZ, to you then tactfully relay the msg?

Because it’s against her dad, and yes fully expect the “you’re male, a MRA” that always rallies the troops whenever anyone suggests that perhaps this behaviour isn’t acceptable and would DEFINITELY not be seen as a-ok from male teen.

Oh and the “aw bless don’t beat yourself up mum, for shouting back, you were clearly stressed and pushed to it by him..💐

I’d be asking him to stay there for a while so you can both have a good think about how to proceed and what you all want and need going forwards. If you can access/afford it, it might be worth thinking about family therapy. It sounds like there’s a lot going on that needs talking about (your husband feels you haven’t got his back; you feel his parenting techniques are counter-productive - and maybe harmful?; your daughter doesn’t seem to trust her dad and feels she’s less loved/of a focus than her siblings etc etc). You have my complete sympathy - there’s a lot of ND in our family and my husband and I have very different parenting styles. There’s many a time I’d have loved my DH to move in with his parents - the house would have been a lot calmer. We’re through the worst of the teenage volatility, and he has a pretty good relationship with the kids now, but he had to drop the notion that he was ‘master’ of the house, owed obedience no matter what - and to work on his short fuse (still a work in progress). Our marriage (and his relationship with the kids) would not have survived otherwise.

Well there’s hierarchy in a psychiatric hospital (who even calls them lunatic asylums in 2026) so I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.