I think it is perfectly acceptable to have rules and boundaries, even for teens. Life is not a free for all it’s also not controlling to have standards children and teens are expected to adhere to. My teens are expected to keep their room reasonably tidy- not a show room, but there is an acceptable standard of cleanliness we expect them to maintain. Washing put into wash basket, not lying on the floor. Clean clothes put away properly, not in messy piles on the floor. Mugs/glasses/plates taken down to be cleaned, bins emptied appropriately, no rotting food, for example. They have chores they must do. Standards of behaviour in communal living areas- basically, tidy up after yourself. If you use the last of something- make it known. None of it onerous or unreasonable. I don’t expect the house to be spotless, just basic standards of cleanliness
and tidiness, which shows respect for those they live with. It is also not negotiable. We actually don’t have that many rules, but those we do have are quite firm.
if they chose not to abide by the rules, then there are consequences- so they can chose not to keep their room to an acceptable standard and they can chose not to complete their chores…. But they know what the consequences are. Do they rebel on occasion? Yep, of course. And have we been called unfair/dictators etc- again, yes. Have they lost their temper on more than one occasion? yes of course they have. Have they broken rules? Absolutely. My dd with adhd probably less so than her risk taking, reactive sister. My DS’s have also both definitely had their moments. But I absolutely would not tolerate regular outbursts of vitriol or failure to follow basic rules. I think you have to be careful with the “don’t sweat the small stuff”- it depends on your definition of “the small stuff”, for one- and secondly, if they can’t (or are not expect to) stick to any of the fairly easy to adhere to rules why would you expect them to respect rules that are harder/less to their liking?
all of that said, we have a very close relationship relationship and probably more relaxed rules about a lot of things than some of my friends. My DC say they absolutely know we would have their back if anything went wrong and they could come to us and we’d help- even if we thought they were in the wrong/been an idiot/are the author of their own misfortune. I’m not perfect and I have definitely shouted and lost my temper with them on occasion. As has DH. We are all human, we all get it wrong. Children deserve to be listened to, but ultimately hierarchy does matter, I think- it changes as they get older and show they have earned the right to more independence and autonomy.
my DH has walked in on an argument between myself and DD1, we were both shouting and dd was being really quite unpleasant. His automatic response was “dd, no matter how angry you are, you do not speak to your mother like that. Stop it now. Please go and calm down”. It wasn’t to tell me off in front of her- though he did ask what had happened later and pointed out this probably wasn’t my finest moment (and he did not lecture me or opine in his superior ideas of parenting). You need to present a united front, unless your dh is being outrageous (unlike other posters, I’m not convinced he was). Otherwise she will learn to divide and conquer.
it sounds to me like you aren’t on the same page regarding parenting. You each ignore things the other thinks is important, and you both seem fairly entrenched in the idea that your way is 100% right and the others viewpoint is inferior. You undermine each other, possibly allowing your dd to you off against each other, however unconsciously- children and teens are very good at finding these weaker links. I think going forward, regardless of whether you end your relationship- unless you are not planning to co-parent with him at all- you do need to have a better agreement as to how you are going to parent. That might mean you don’t do things 100% your way, 100% of the time.