Partners staying over

[StarClouds]

If you have your children full time and started dating again at what point did you feel comfortable having them over when your kids are in bed? Im thinking around 6 months?

It was 2 years here. Before DH met my older kids and then gradually started to stay over.

Obvs i was sleeping with DH before that - but i used a kind family member to babysit overnight and DH and i stayed in hotels. (long distance relationship)

Im taking it you are not a lone parent to ask that?

Oh, stop being so dramatic. I don’t understand the point of this thread as clearly you just wanted people to validate your decision to bring your boyfriend home for sleepovers, but you’re not getting (mostly) the answers you like and are getting pissy with people.

Nobody has said anything about being a nun or that you shouldn’t date, but just that there’s no rush to introduce someone you barely know to your children and have them sleep in the same house. That’s a perfectly normal take.

You seem to think the only way to have a life and be happy is to have a relationship, which is a bit sad.

We see so many of these threads on Mumsnet, and rushing into relationships and trying to blend families within months rarely ends well, but crack on if that’s what you need to be happy.

Maybe @StarClouds you explain why you feel the need to have a boyfriend stay overnight so early in a relationship?

I am, yes. My child is now an adult, and when I was dating (no desire for a relationship again), I didn’t need to have a man stay over in order to date them. As other posters have asked, what’s the rush?

I’ll get flamed for this but it was less than 6 months with my DP (soon to be husband) as my son was young (lone parent since pregnant so single for years but son was only 1.5) and thus he didn’t really understand and it didn’t matter as much. Nonetheless my DP would come over after he was in bed and leave before he woke to avoid confusion and him getting attached. With my DPs children who were older I waited 6 months to meet them, 7 until they knew we were dating and about 9 until I stayed over but as my son was also staying over they just thought it was a fun sleepover.

for context their mom introduced them to her new partner on date 1 and he’d moved in within 2 months so we definitely took it slow compared to that.

These types of threads intrigue me. Why does “build a life” need to equal “finding a man?” I’m not directing this just at the OP, but some of the comments on this thread and also just general threads on this board where the main focus in some people’s lives is finding and keeping a man at all costs.

Maybe I’m a bit jaded now, but I really don’t get it.

Why would the BF be naked in the house? My DH has never walked around the house naked and neither have any visiting guests of any age and either sex; it's easy enough to ask a visiting guest to respect your house rules if you think it needs to be said.

What has being a lone parent got to do with it? Regardless of my status, I wouldn’t have a boyfriend over after only 6 months. I’d wait a year or so, and then I wouldn’t have another child with a man who wasn’t my DCs father.

What house rules? My mom was desperate to be in any relationship and brought home losers and drunken abusers and predatory assholes. They didn't have cards announcing it but she found out over time and unfortunately, so did I.

That's what desperation does. It lowers standards rather than raises them because there's kids in the home and what they do affects the kids.

Yeah well over a year. I’m a single parent but I don’t need to wake up beside a partner to validate my relationship.
Also your title says staying over but then you say no sleepovers, so what do you mean?

so to clarify leaving before children wake up obviously

Because you have the luxury of dating when kids are with the father

6 months isnt a rush

I pointed out they wouldn’t be introduced

Can you not get paid childcare and go out with them/to theirs?

so to clarify leaving before children wake up obviously
so sneaking in and out like a dirty secret? who with and self respect or pride would agree to this?
seems like a very low bar.

I would say it entirely depends on the age of the kids. Under 10s, I think them coming round when kids are asleep is OK after you've taken time to get to know them and you've got a baseline of trust between you. Teenagers are another ball game. I was a teen when my Mum met my then stepdad, and we were banished to our rooms when he arrived which meant we rapidly became very resentful of his presence.... by the time he moved in, I hated him and I hated what he made our household become.

My friends who have been in this situation have both waited until the children have already met the partner, so know who they are and know them pretty well, so that if a child did wake up unexpectedly and popped downstairs it would never be a big shock at seeing a strange man in the house. They didn’t introduce children to partner until 9-12 months in and then had them round the house a while after that once they were more familiar.

I think if anything that’s what I would also do if I were to find myself a lone parent tomorrow. I wouldn’t want anyone in my children’s home that they wouldn’t be comfortable to wake in the night and see them sat on the sofa.

To me it is, but you do you. You did ask for opinions on this thread, but don’t seem to like any that don’t agree with you. Not sure what you wanted, really.

You don't all know. So much projection on this thread.

You might not intentionally set out to introduce them yet, but what if they were to start feeling unwell during the night or wet the bed (not sure what age your kids are)? How would you deal with that situation if you have some random guy they’ve never met before in your bed?

If my DD was ever sick during the night, had a bad dream or whatever, she would just come in with me. Can you say with complete certainty that they will never wake up during the night again, just because they generally don’t?

I can imagine that would be an awkward experience for everyone, and potentially unsettling for your kids if they weren’t expecting it. Also, kids aren’t stupid - they know more than you think, no matter how well you think you’re hiding it.

It worked out ok for us as we’ve now been together 12 years, married 5, but my now DH would come over after they were in bed and would try and leave if he stayed over before they woke up. That didn’t last very long and even now we speak about it and how wrong we both feel about it. The kids don’t remember and aren’t scarred by it but I realise now it was far too soon. I don’t know what waiting would have achieved if I’m honest but my sister just had her new bf stay over and my niece woke up and they’ve only been together a month or so and I found myself being really judgy about it. Pot kettle black I know.

My dp came over when my children were asleep after about a year, he was introduced to them after about 18 months. Didn’t stay over until 2 years in. I’m a lone parent, we did our dating during the day when they were at school. I didn’t want them finding a man in my bed when they all still get into bed with me some mornings (even though they’re much older now!)

each to their own really but that’s what was comfortable for us.

I also didn’t stay at his when the kids were there for a long time.