Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.