Would you stay in a sexless marriage that feels like companionship?

[Tyleeporschaxx]

Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.

She would get universal credit if she needed it, and OK, you live rurally - well she would just have to do what the rest of us do and move to where the jobs are. Even a minimum wage job pays about 25k a year. You could absolutely split if you wanted to, but I guess you don't want to. When you're done flogging a dead horse, I'm sure you'll find a way.

Harsh but fair 😉

Not unpopular here - I completely agree with you. My husband and I had a "dead bedroom" for quite some time due to his lack of interest. It came to a head (as it were) when I eventually told him that if he was not willing to seek treatment (in whatever form that took) then I would find physical satisfaction elsewhere. I'd be discreet of course, but I made it clear that while he could make the decision for himself to be celibate, he could not make that decision for me.

That’s interesting @thicklysettled. What happened next, did he decide to get help or have you found what you need elsewhere? Hats off for discussing it, I think. It would have been easier to seek it discreetly elsewhere without telling him I suppose. But you’ve been fair.
That said, if a man said that I bet it would be a LTB thread.

Tell her then Go get it elsewhere.

Maybe if your OH realised all that she would have to do of you left it might ‘reawaken’ her libido a little
I find People are often as selfish and centre own needs as much as you permit them to do so.
Maybe a bit of a wake up call is required…

I think it shocked him out of a stupor, tbh. When I said that I was going to be discreet but I wouldn't be celibate, he went to his doctor who prescribed testosterone. It has been a great success and in fact we are having more sex now than we've ever had (save for the very early days).

I agree with you about the response if a man had said what I did, certainly.

I’m not sure that would work if you said that to a woman, i think she’d probably dig her heels in further, not that there is a ‘further’ but to be honest i did say today that i’m not living the rest of my life without it, it was met with silence so i have no idea if it even sank in.

Sorry, OMG. This situation is so hard. I know what it's like being in a sexless marriage. Like being buried alive, basically. Not that I've ever been buried alive, lol! My dead bedroom eventually solved itself because he left me. I don't know what I'd have done in the long-term. Actually, I do - I'd have hung on until I had enough money saved to discuss a split. If someone has no attraction to you, I don't know why they'd even want to stay married, anyway.

Twenty-one months after he left, I started dating other separated people because they were just as bruised and unavailable for commitment as I was, yet as lonely as I was. I found them on Ashley Madison, which also has its fair share of singles who don't want commitment. I met some fab men on there, and chatted with others who shared the same marriage woes as me. Lots of people with a dead bedroom on there.

As it happens, I was totally faithful throughout my long and horrible marriage, and it was a total waste of time and got me nowhere. I wasted some of my best years. If you are stuck with a spouse who thinks it's OK for them to impose celibacy on you, will apparently never change, and doesn't care to do anything about it, I would highly recommend cheating. I didn't cheat, and I really regret it. When I think of how horrible my husband was to me (he was amazing at the beginning and I was like the boiling frog, and I just got used to it), and when I think of all the fun I could have been having with men who would have appreciated me, instead of being exposed only to a man who treated me like a set of walking flaws to be fixed, I think it's such a pity I wasn't out there having fun. Mind you, it's not in my nature to cheat. Maybe not in yours, either.

I will say that I think imposing longterm celibacy without end or discussion, and for no good reason, is the height of marital cruelty. I'd think very carefully just how much if your one precious life you want to waste. I'm glad you just told her what was what.

Read up on responsive desire in women, though. Often we need to get started when we don't really feel like it, and then we get turned on.

I asked myself the same question ‘If someone has no attraction to you, I don't know why they'd even want to stay married, anyway’
I think the answer is straightforward, they are comfortable, they aren’t unhappy are they because if they don’t like sex they just control the situation and take all the good bits from the marriage like financial stability, care & support. I think personally i am reaching the point where i say, i’m having emotional connections whether you like it or not, out of courtesy i will tell you when i’m going to do it and who i’m going to do it with.

That’s not how Social Housing works at all ..

^this - been there, done that.

very similar position - long time without sex - we lived in a fair sized house and eventually lived separately.but we were good housemates, But the marriage eventually fell apart due do a number of other aspects.

my eye never strayed and not even tempted to have an affair - sorted myself out on a regular basis, I was married 'for better or for worse' and all that.
She was SAHM, so had no income and yes I get the 'homeless' comment - it's a difficult one and even during the divorce, I wanted to make sure she and DD had a roof over their heads as I was still emotionally invested in the marriage. In hindsight, that was not my responsibility to be resolved.

My divorce ended acrimoniously and painfully, and totally split the family apart, be prepared for that.

Anyway, light at end of the tunnel - I wasn't looking for another partner but found someone new who helped me heal and life is great.

I do really regret a wasted (sex) life now and am sad I missed out on experiences in my younger years, but I do not regret not having and an affair.

Yep exactly the same situation, i think unfortunately when a woman emotionally checks out or when she no longer finds you physically attractive there's not really any going back. I really don't want to blow up the family unit for my own selfish ends and i guess like you it's made even more difficult when the way you see/feel about them hasn't changed at all.

It's entirely possible that after a couple of decades her preferences may have changed, whether that's driven by hormone changes or the way social media and wanky reality TV portrays relationships and ideals i don't know but i think entrapment for want of a better word just feels like you are being used for the practical things you bring to a relationship.

I'll probably get shot for saying this because not all women are the same i'm sure, i probably just chose the wrong ones, but after several attempts over the past 4 decades i've come to the realisation that women don't want (aren't attracted) to a good man, what they want is a bad man they can make into a good man then he either fails to change, remains exciting and attractive but makes for a hard relationship or he turns good and they get bored :-) Maybe that's human nature!

yes, you will get shot down for that. It appears that way sometimes as bad boys are most likely to shout about their 'achievements'. There have been numerous threads on MN discussing this on what women are attracted to in a man - generally it is not the bad boys.
The converse is absolutely true too, that men only want 'super fit babes', nothing could be further from the truth. A good person will be attractive to another good person.
TV & SM create drama and glamour for clicks - don't get sucked into that cycle.
I haven't read all your PP @OMGDidYouSayThat so I don't know your history. Sounds like your head is down and you're in a bad place (it's a shitty place to be).
people grow apart, they change, and for you and your DW, probably need to sit down together and it may be for the best.

Apologies for the hijack OP.

Replying as there is a similar age gap between my dh and I and we have also struggled with mismatched sex drives and ED issues. Also some more complex issues relating to him having a private kink and watching porn blah blah blah. It’s not been great.

I did have to have a frank chat with him because I was sick of feeling sexually frustrated and undesired. He has made more effort and we have sex maybe 1-2 times a month which is a compromise that suits us both. Still battling away with the communication issues though.

For your dh to basically say sex is off the table but you can’t go elsewhere…that’s him saying he knows you’re upset and doesn’t care. 39 is way too young to give up on your sex life. Then again he seems like he’s tried and can no longer perform. So I would say you’re just not compatible.

Um, when you say that you wanted her and DD to have a roof over their heads, and looking back, it wasn't your problem to solve....Excuse me, sir, but it was very much your problem to solve! Unless you were OK with your DD being homeless?

Maybe you meant that your DD could have lived with you and your ex could have lived under a bridge if need be. Well, that's not the way it works. Courts do not separate mothers and children like that, on the basis that it's cruel to the child. And even if they did, how happy do you think your daughter would have been living with you full-time and having a homeless mum?

no, that is the way divorce works. ExW instigated the divorce, DD wanted to stay with her mother. No courts were involved, there was not a custody battle. It actually was I that ended up homeless (I also lost my job too). How any where they lived was none of my business, just as she as it was not her responsibility to put a roof over my head/.
There is clearly a lot more to my backstory, which is not relevant to the topic of this thread, and there is no need to jump to conclusions to derail that and make a point.