Would you stay in a sexless marriage that feels like companionship?

[Tyleeporschaxx]

Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.

I'm nearly 49 and couldn't deal with a sexless relationship now, let alone at 39!

39, no kids and only married for five years...I'd be off like a shot. Life is too short.

I think a marriage has to be both emotional and physical. I was in a sexless marriage and it was awful (20 years married, 10 of those sexless). I tolerated it for too long and I became very resentful. It ended. It had to. I now have a partner and it’s very enjoyably physical. If it’s bothering you know, if will only become a bigger and bigger issue further down the line. It takes big courage to end a long term partnership; but I’m so much happier now

You are so young to live a life without sex OP. Sex is the thing that glues a relationship, it’s not just the physical aspect, it’s the psychological too.

The resentment will build towards your husband due to his lack of willingness to try other paths to address his ED.
Your self esteem has already being affected by his actions.

At this point, it’s not only about the sex, it’s about his lack of care for your feelings. That is not a basis for a successful relationship that is companionship based IMO.

Can you honestly see yourself living like this for the next 30 years?

I had had this, just after we broke up (after 13 yrs, at the age of 42 both), i spoke to my male friends and dates - all complained about lack of sex. They did not what to cheat. They felt stuck. I thought that my ex was kinda okay with our lazy sex.
I spent some of my best years thinking - thats it - the end.

We met at at 27 yrs old. Im so happy we broke up.

You are too young for that.
I thought I did not need sex, that it was fine.

Even as a health thing vagina needs lubrication - I had sex dreams etc.

You can always try to open the relationship. Very horny times ahead of you.
Also - are you still attracted to him?

I have been in a similar situation as you OP, however my experience began when I was pregnant. My partner of 7 years (also older than me by 11 years) became disinterested in intimacy. He had struggled with ED before and used Viagra but it all stopped. I understand the rejection you are feeling, it is crushing. I was 34 and my baby became my only source of affection, thankfully I had that. I feel like I lost 10 years of my life. I came to terms with the fact that I would never have that part of life again, but there were things that weren’t right. I found out that he was watching porn when were supposedly trying for a second baby (not much trying on his behalf), I had invasive investigations when the real problem was we weren’t actually having sex! The end for me was discovering by chance that he was on a gay pick up site. Game over, gave me the excuse I needed to get rid of him and obviously explained a lot. I really feel for you, at least I had my child but it seems you are totally without affection and I understand how lonely that can make you feel. You are very young to settle for this. Best wishes.

When I started dating 3 years ago one of my first questions was - any FOMO?
Especially at the age of 50 ....they knew the end is coming.
All convinced they were good looking and were great at sex, all lied about their age.
Yes, at that age they were into more kinks, just to get it up, hence the porn I guess.

It’s important to you and the relationship is not serving that important need. Can you really see yourself with him forevermore, not getting the sexual attention you crave? You’re unhappy and it doesn’t sound like that will change as he’s OK with it.

Yeah I really think that a total lack of interest in intimacy in men is so unusual that there is usually something else going on like porn or often being gay. The previous head of the mormon church in america came out as gay at 68 years old and left the church. After lying to his wife, kids, friends, family and himself for all those years. So yeah, sometimes people hide things REALLY REALLY well. I think there is a reason for this OP, and it is isn't you.

I could not and would not live without sex inside of my relationship if I thought there was more that could be done to solve the problem. It's his lack of engagement that would put me off.

@Tyleeporschaxx it's one of those awkward situations where neither option seems like the right one but the impact on your mental health gets worse by the day, sex seems to be at the forefront of your mind all the time due to the lack of it and if your mind is anything like mine you're constantly trying to evaluate whether this person does actually love you, fancy you or whether they are just there for security or financial reasons...

I love sex but to be honest what i really need is for her to just initiate...even if it doesn't actually mean getting physical what i really need is that signal that she wants me...it's the signals that are important not the act.

I wouldnt be in a selxess relationship. I would talk.to him let him know you need it. If its something that can.be fixed then great. If not maybe you could have an open relationship?

I've thought about that over and over but there are a few major issues with it that i can't get past...

1. It would still mean cheating on her even if she was in agreement
2. If (a big if) she decided to act on the open relationship herself there is no way i would be able to cope with knowing the woman i love is with another man, for 2 reasons, i love her, and it would tell me that she didn't actually fancy me at all.
3. My emotions would likely shift to the other person(s) as i'm in it emotionally not just physically which would just create further distance between me and my wife.

I think he is selfish, if he isn't willing to explore further to find out what the problem is, if all his tests have come back ok. He should be chasing the therapist or paying to see someone. His reluctance to be intimate with you in other ways is also selfish. I would want to know why he thinks it's ok not to try and why he is calling all the shots. I think you deserve more, you're too young to just have intimacy taken off the table x

If he has low libido, none of those mechanical things will help if it relates to his mood, low testosterone or excessive porn use.

But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone

I don't wish to deliberately rub salt in a wound, but your situation is exactly why I wouldn't want to date a much older man. Whilst younger men can suffer from erectile dysfunction too, you arrived at this place 13 years sooner than would otherwise have occurred. You're too young to have a sexless life, in my opinion.

@SadEyedTigger That is fucking awful and I'm angry on your behalf. I think the number of men who prioritise sex above so many other things, like their wives' personality, is far higher than the other way around. It's why a lot of men decide to be in relationships in the first place - they just wouldn't want to be in the company of a woman otherwise as they deem us inferior.

I am 50 and in a sexless marriage. I stay for many reasons - I think it’s the right choice for now but it’s obviously not ideal. At your age I would want more.

Update: I’ve told him that he’s got until next year to sort something out, whether that’s chasing urology or looking into some kind of psychosexual therapy, because I genuinely can’t be without a sex life for my own mental health. I can’t be with someone who makes me feel like I’m not worthy of being desired.
Surprisingly, he actually made the phone call to urology and is now chasing an appointment to see what else can be done, etc. I’m not feeling overly hopeful, though, as I do try to speak to him about it and he’ll fake stomach pains or change the subject. It’s rather odd! He used to fake stomach pains when the day would come to use a Viagra tablet, so I do wonder if there’s some kind of psychological block there.
He’s not into porn, but he certainly won’t fail to notice a pretty woman, so there is obviously something somewhere that can still spark his interest.
I also do wonder whether he stays mostly because it’s more financially convenient for him, as he often says he can’t afford to live alone. To be honest, it would be a struggle financially for both of us, which is another thing that adds to the mental drain of the whole situation.
I’m coming to the point where I’d actually be okay with us being “friends” or companions, but I’d have my sex life elsewhere, because I don’t want another relationship anyway. I don’t want to replace him; I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life without a sex life.

Have you tried that tactic, just say look it's obvious you don't want to fuck me anymore so a relationship without that is basically more like cohabiting friends so we can live together for financial reasons, sleep in separate rooms but then we'll be free to get our kicks elsewhere, maybe just have a rule whereby neither of you bring anyone back to the house. See how he reacts to that. I can't imagine why anyone would not want to try everything they can to make sure they get hard enough to perform, the making excuses to try is the odd bit.

@Tyleeporschaxx - that sounds like some progress at least; perhaps you will be able to recover some kind of sex life with your DH. I'm in my late 50s and continue to enjoy sex; it is an important bonding activity which I share with DH (who's in his 60s). I think it's perfectly reasonable at 39 to decide that you are not ready to do without sex. Your DH has said he won't accept that but I know other spouses in sexless marriages who have made that accommodation so I suppose it just depends whether or not your DH can.

Already been spoken about and it was a 100% no from him as apparently he'd be jealous..

Even without penetration, you can enjoy a very good and meaningful sex life, along with affection. Different ways, sex toys etc can all add to it.

I would discuss things with him.

He does not get to chose celibacy for you!

This is true actually. Not that I'm saying you should stay but don't assume there will be loads of men you'll want to date or have sex with.

It doesn't really make a lot of sense unless he's got major anxiety over his ED, i.e he fears you'll not be supportive if he goes limp. The fact it was a no and he says he'd be jealous suggests he wants you, but the not trying to do everything he can to get a boner suggests he doesn't. He's complicated. Will he go down and do other things to you or not?