Would you stay in a sexless marriage that feels like companionship?

[Tyleeporschaxx]

Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.

I think a relationship without sex is a friendship. The marriage is dead in the water.

It’s up to you what you want to do, I know I would want out, but my best friend would stay.

Everyone is different, good luck x

I would because it doesn't bother me but you shouldn't because it does.

Its been mentioned and he was waiting on an appointment as his urologist referred him for it. but its been months now and he's never mentioned it again or chased it!
And I refuse to keep nagging him to do it as only I seem bothered

@Tyleeporschaxx let’s get some opinions on something specific:

So both @Tyleeporschaxx and myself have both been giving the same ultimatum effectively ‘either accept you aren’t going to have sex for the rest of your life’ or leave.

Now the answer sounds simple right, if you are sexually active surely you leave, but what about the fact that sex is probably only a small part of what makes a successful relationship, all be it a very important small part, there is or should be way more to a relationship than just sex. Does it make leaving for that reason alone a selfish decision or not?

I would.

Me too. This is how my life has panned out.
Not how I want it to but I'm not ready to walk.
One day I will though I'm sure of that.

I'm older than the OP but at 39 with no children I urge you to leave. You can both find happiness elsewhere.
X

I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.

if he has NPT then it’s all in his head unfortunately - no pills or creams will help

as an aside I left a long sexless relationship earlier last year, I certainly miss the companionship- but not the rejection

quite agree. It’s easy for others to say, “I’d leave, I wouldn’t put up with it,” especially when there are no children involved. But, as someone else has said, the dating sites are dire, and all the good men seem to be in relationships!
My husband isn’t a bad bloke. He’s kind, we get on, and we’ve got nearly 10 years of history together. Although, at the same time, I do feel angry that I’m being made to choose between having him in my life and having a sexual relationship at all.
Just to point out, we may not have children, but we have a mortgage and a financially binding life together, so leaving isn’t as straightforward as some people seem to think.
And seems selfish and brutal to blow it all up because there's no sex.

There's nothing selfish about wanting a loving sexual relationship and leaving because your spouse refuses to offer that. If its because of serious physical illness that's different but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
In your situation I don't know what I'd do. Probably have a trial separation or an affair if the opportunity arose.

Your situation is awful but irrelevant and down to an abusive horrible man. OPs situation is entirely different. No one should stay in a relationship they are unhappy in. It sounds like he doesn’t want to be affectionate anymore and is refusing to communicate, leaving OP feeling alone and rejected.

@Additup Both of our partners are indeed unable to provide due to medical/physical issues

I am a decade older than you with the same age gap. And we had a very similar issue - though mine was less about the hardware than the software. My Husband had no libido at all, though getting an erection was not a problem. Constantly turning me down. After I told him how strongly I felt, my husband was happy to try testosterone injections, which worked beautifully and his libido returned. Why won't your husband try that? There is no scarring at all?

To answer your broader question, I would absolutely leave, especially if I were your age and didn't have to concern myself with children. I have four and honestly they were the glue that kept us together at times.

I have a libido like a teenager (though I fully expect it to drop off) and the thought of celibacy was devastating. We talked about it a lot and I was completely candid with my husband; if he wasn't willing to try everything then we had a choice to make: 1) we separate or 2) I discreetly get sex elsewhere. I think it was at that point that he realised I was serious- I explained that while he could choose celibacy for himself, he couldn't do it for me.

If your husband isn't willing to try testosterone, I'd be introducing the choices to him. If he is rigid - pardon the pun - about you not getting sex elsewhere, but is unwilling to try everything option out there, I'd be done.

It's a really tough position to be in, I know. I hope things turn around for you.

I'm in a bizarre situationship. We both have ideas and theories etc as to what happened for him, but by one year into the relationship, his interest in sex had really died.

And there's more than the sunken fallacy going in with us, otherwise I would have left by 2019, after 2 years.

Potentially sooner actually, if we hadn't ended up forced into a situation where we had become financially entwined and dependent as early as we did.

I fought against the situation for a few years and then just lost any semblance of my own libido.

I've had the odd resurgence and need to be desired and wanted etc, but I outsource the platonic but physical and emotional affection to my close friends and enjoy the companionship for what it is.

Once upon a time I never thought I'd be in a situation like this but it also helps that I understand adhd, demand, mental load, peri menopause, and that I have had male friends struggle and seen my own my mum struggle and say 'separate rooms' in her own peri experience.

Between him and I, we have something different but valid. He could make certain changes and do something about what happened for him and happened since then, with his health, but he chooses not to.

Our circles are full of queer, asexual, polyamorous and just otherwise atypical folks so we are used to seeing others in all manner of relationships and situationships. Its our normal.

I would honestly consider your own mental health - mine went right down into the gutter because he couldn't communicate with me and I didn't know what was going on and why he had kept rejecting me.

My husband stopped having sex with me when I was 38, I'm now 51. He isn't affectionate either. I wish with hindsight that I had left then but we had a baby and young child and I thought it would get better with time. It didn't.

You deserve someone who makes you feel desired. I still have a high sex drive and it's very hard being in a sexless marriage.

does he wstch porn? Could it be linked to his issues?

Psychological sexual dysfunction is very difficult to live with. I had an ex bf (admittedly when still in 20s and no children involved so less complicated) who could never finish with me. I knew he masturbated and watched porn so it felt very personal. It destroyed my self confidence.

Of course you neee validation but the big concern isn’t the dysfunction but the fact that he’s not willing to keep addressing it.

my DH and I are currently only having sex about once a month, similar age gap but I am now mid forties and him mid fifties. The reason is that it’s so painful for me - I’m awaiting gynae surgery - but it is affecting him I know. Medical issues are so hard on relationships but psychological ones the worst. You need to ask him to see a sex therapist to get to the bottom of this. If he refuses to do so, then you should probably leave BUT it will have an impact on your children - so you need to be really sure. Personally my sex drive is way lower in mid forties than it was at 39 so there is a risk that you’ll leave; then hit peri and not want sex anyway. But other women find their drive increases then. Either way you may find you can’t get over the r psychological impact of this issue on you so the relationship is done anyway.

Only you know the answer to all of this

It doesn’t matter whether any of us would stay in a sexless marriage, it’s what you want that counts. Your post very clearly says that you don’t want to stay, which is absolutely fine. Don’t mess about, get a divorce.

Here are my possible scenarios
He watches too much porn
He doesn't find women attractive
He doesn't find you attractive
Hes having an affair
He doesn't love you

He is just lazy

Sorry but If all medical things have come back ok then looks at the above and ask yourself. Is this what you really want for the rest of you life?

I read this and something struck me…

just before 40 is the age that as women we lose all semblance of girlishness. We are fully realised adult women with adult women’s bodies.

I wouldn’t be surprised if porn is involved OP

Interesting post. Thank you for sharing.
You have eloquently voiced a very similar situation to me.

It's very sad when you lay things out in black and white and realise that's where life has taken you.
X

Have you ever considered finding someone else to fill that role over the years? And do you ever see yourself leaving,? Or like me do you have finances/older kids who keep you there?
X

Would you consider occasionally just stepping out of the marriage without him knowing? I know you'd have to deal with guilt but what he is doing is very wrong. I'm not talking about an affair with emotional involvement more like an encounter. I mean it's not ethical but neither is becoming a nun without your own consent. I've heard this is very common in Japan where men often stop having sex with their wives after kids. The wives and I'm sure the men too just outsource it.

I have been in a sexless marriage. I never considered myself to be an overly sexual person, but once I was trapped in a sexless situation - ie couldn’t get it from him and couldn’t get it from anyone else either - it became complete hell. I felt like I was buried alive, like I was existing in a quiet grey vacuum while life went on around me. I tried watching some soft porn featuring a real-life couple doing missionary, but it made me so sad. It has had a longterm effect on my self-esteem. It crushed my spirit and is a major, major reason I will never marry or cohabit again. No way am I putting my psychological well-being in anyone else’s hands like that again.

So no. I would not accept these terms.

As for him saying you just have to accept a sexless marriage - ie that there’s no sex but he will leave if you have sex elsewhere - oh, hell to the no! Permanent cutting off of sex is grounds for divorce, and I would divorce him on those grounds just for the sheer nerve of telling you, effectively, “I don’t want to play with you, but I don’t want anyone else to play with you either, so your destiny is to sit on a shelf alone gathering dust for the rest of your life.” I mean, that’s so unreasonable it’s comical. Who the hell would put up with that? At just 39, too!! Actually makes me wonder if he wants out and is trying to make you be the one to pull the plug.

Accepting his terms would be to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

And remember, there are no guarantees. There’s nothing to stop him suddenly getting the hots for someone else and turning back into a sexual being, divorcing you after many sexless years. So do not make this sacrifice.

There are plenty of normal men in the world who will shag you senseless. Dump this arrogant, depressing old man who couldn’t care less about your mental health and go and find one. Spitting your breast out and rinsing his mouth? What the actual fuck? I think he just wants out and is too much of a coward to do it. There are many men out there who would consider themselves extremely lucky to get near your breasts! So angry on your behalf.

Sorry, OP. It may have been good once, but some people really change as they get older and not for the better.

This is now an unhealthy marriage. Run.

That’s what I thought, until any possibility of sex was taken away from me by my husband stopping our sex life. Couldn’t have it with my husband, couldn’t have it with anyone else either. I would never have believed it could be so depressing and soul-crushing until it happened to me. Believe me, when you’re shoe-horned into being totally trapped into a sexless life apparently forever, what didn’t seem so important before suddenly becomes massive.

You can have very good sex without an erect penis. I think you both need to open your minds a little.