Would you stay in a sexless marriage that feels like companionship?

[Tyleeporschaxx]

Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.

I feel your pain, and i fully understand the importance of financial security, you’re in the same boat as me.

Mhmm.. yeah, then I think breaking up is all that's left. And then he can be single and not jealous instead of in a relationship and happy for his partner.

I know it's hard to put someone else above our own feelings but jealousy and envy are very negative emotions. If you love him, I would try to talk sense into him. What will his life look like without you? If he lost use of his legs, would you have to stop running? But if he can't cope with the feelings.. if he can't focus on you and your needs.. then neither of you will be happy.

Yes absolutely so long as I felt I was still married to my best friend, and for me personally, that we could still laugh together. Laughing is way more important to me these days than sex.

Yes, you need to laugh together, lots of relationships go wrong because one or both partners forget how to laugh. But life is not just a bundle of jokes, a healthy relationship also requires touch and passion.

I agree, a strong relationship is made up of many individual things such as respect, trust, honesty, touch, passion, boundaries, support, fun, safety and more, the problem is that if just one of those elements is missing it can begin to erode the relationship, some are more important than others but generally they are all required for a healthy relationship.

If your wife has hands and a mouth presumably she can still please and satisfy you sexually ? Even without PIV intercourse no?
x

Unfortunately it may be that the age gap is beginning to show. In another few years you could be dealing with this plus the "grumpy old man" stage of him not wanting to do anything, go out, have much conversation etc so there's basically no companionship either. So if you are going to continue along this road, I'd hope the companionship element is worth it.

You are young enough to start again. That doesn't mean chasing a new relationship, properly being alone could be better than this half-relationship where you are at risk of feeling frustrated and watching your self-esteem crumble year by year.

I don’t think that’s the issue, it’s one of 2 things, she either has no desire due to zero hormones to want to even do anything remotely sexual, or she doesn’t see me like that anymore, maybe after nearly 20 years she’s companioned me. Who knows.

Off to the care home surely now has dementia no??

Sorry - but how wicked and selfish
knowing the hurt it causes. What’s a kiss n cuddle and a handjob once a week even if not really in the mood , if it makes you happy surely 15 mins out of her day won’t kill her
cruel to be fair
baffling

I get the odd cuddle a bit of hand holding and the occasional supportive hand on the back but it just feels a bit ‘second best’ i’m always haunted by the fact that without me her and the kids would be effectively homeless as i’m the breadwinner, i can’t convince myself that she’s here for the right reasons because the lack of intimacy forces me to think it’s a practical relationship. It f*in hurts i know that much.

The other problem i have is that what turns me on is watching her turned on, so to be fair a hand job although it would technically work wouldn’t do anything for me, i don’t need PIV but i do need to be able to play with her.

In a few years he’ll be retired, you’ll still be working and I imagine the resentment might reach boiling point, when it’s much harder to separate the finances.

You might change your mind about that sharpish if all sex, physical touch, kissing and cuddling was suddenly taken away from you and no chance of getting it back, leaving you trapped in a marriage devoid of any physical affection. It's so easy to take sex for granted when it's always there. It occupies a very small part of your thoughts when it's always a potential. When your partner takes it away, and you're married so you can't get it anywhere else, it suddenly takes on a massive importance.

Huh? They wouldn't be homeless. Each of you would have a smaller home. And she would have to get a job.

Please consider leaving. I stayed, and finally decided that I should go once the children were through uni.

I hadn’t had sex for 10 years by then and maybe once a year for a decade before that.

My self esteem was on the floor, I’d provided 3 children, I’d served my purpose and there was no more sex.
We did get on, he was very funny and interesting, but I will never get over feeling so unattractive that even my own husband couldn’t get it up in order to have sex. (Nothing found to be wrong in tests).
There was little affection because he wouldn’t want to do anything that would raise my hopes. The final straw was when I put my hand on his back and he shuddered.

Once I told him it was over, he went from being the most passive man to being determined to make the divorce as difficult as possible. Seven years on and he is now taking it to court so there will be next to nothing left and I am too old to be able to do anything much to improve my lot.
I have recently had a relationship and had the best sex I have ever had, sadly that has now ended, but it has made me realise what I have missed out on over the decades.

I am a hollow, sad, shell of a woman in comparison to the vibrant woman I was before marriage. Don’t become me op, leave and find yourself and hopefully someone who loves you fully.

This is so depressing. What a horrible way to live. Surely you can sort something out with regards to separate living arrangements?

Yes I meant to reply that yesterday.
she’d have to step up and make changes like we all do when breaking up and crack on with it. If on her case work is not feasible then the state steps in to subsidise etc

Nobody would be homeless

Would he really be a good companion? He doesn't sound very interested in being an open and supportive partner if hes making decisions like this and you are giving ultimatums.

It’s time to split and move on with your life, you cannot stay unhappy forever,
I split at 55 and it’s tough, no word of a lie - but am happier and am seeing a woman who was in the same boat ( long sexless marriage as well ) are we are making a go of it now and having a fun time in and out of bed

I’m not convinced she would be able to get a job, at least not one that pays enough, we live in a rural area where jobs aren’t easy to find, she would likely need a car as well which would further impact her financially, because my kids aren’t little any more the council wouldn’t see her as a priority for social housing and i worry about what happens to the kids.

I know it’s odd that i’m concerned about what happens to someone that is ghosting me sexually but the problem is that my feelings towards her have never changed so it’s hard to make decisions that would hurt her or see her struggling. She’s the woman i married, the woman i chose to have children with and unfortunately for medical reasons and maybe more i don’t know she’s the one that’s decided that some of my needs don’t matter.

My opinion is probably very very unpopular but I believe if one partner doesn't want sex at all, won't seek help for it and still doesn't want to separate, the other is not unreasonable to seek sex elsewhere. This goes for both men and women.

If my wife was in a job and my kids had started their own independent lives i would probably find it easier to walk, right now i’m trapped for more than one reason so the prospect of leaving right now is not one that sits well with me, maybe if i was able to change my morals i’d just go out and get whats missing elsewhere but i would be riddled with guilt and having been on the receiving end of that i don’t think i could inflict that pain on someone else.

Yeah this is a touchy subject, i’m in a agreement from a logical perspective, but from a moral perspective i’m not, even if you seek permission it’s not right, i’d fall for someone else 100% because sex is emotion for me.

maybe it’s time to start planning for that “get your ducks in a row “ as is often quoted on this site- how long until your kids are independent ( or at least not dependent on you) - you might be the bread winner for now- but I imagine that bread tastes pretty sour at the moment

I think with the current state of the government you’re chances of getting on the housing list only really exist if you have younger kids, mine are too old so they wouldn’t be seen as a priority. I could move out but i wouldn’t be able to afford to keep this place going and support another place for myself.