Would you stay in a sexless marriage that feels like companionship?

[Tyleeporschaxx]

Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.

Oh this is heartbreaking 😭. Your post is so sensible and I really hope OP reada it carefully and thinks on your experience and advice

I think you need to do a hard consideration of the evidence.

1. Can't get an erection with you.
2. DOES get erections naturally (when waking up).
3. Had an extreme reaction of disgust when engaging in sextual activity (blamed it on perfume but it was an EXTREME response).
4. Isn't moving forwards with therapy.

I think that although there may be some degree of physical problem, that (sorry to be harsh) that actually he is capable of sex but just doesn't want it with you.

I have been where your husband is. Wanting to continue a relationship but my body made the decision it was over long before my mind accepted it. Eventually, my mind caught up too and I ended things.

You're under no pressure of time, but I think you do need to work towards accepting that your marriage is over. Start planning for the separation. Better to do it sensibly than to wait for one of you to have an affair. Because even if you don't, at some point, someone will come along who will awaken his 'lost' libido and he'll be gone.

I’d second this BUT have found it far better being single (and not sexually active) to being in a long term relationship where there’s no intimacy at all, never mind sex. Feeling undesired by a partner is soul destroying.

It built up a lot of resentment in me - I was good enough to cook, clean, counsel, but not good enough to have sex with. You become a companion, skivvy and later on, a nurse.

I’m in the same position - my husband isn’t interested in it. I do get very sad about it sometimes and it was REALLY hard to handle in the beginning especially but I have a history of SA and I thought - what would I want him to do if it were me who was struggling with sex? I would want him to continue to be with me with no pressure and so that’s what I do for him. We haven’t had any type of sex for over 5 years. We don’t have kids but we do have a loving, affectionate relationship where we support each other, have a good time, make each other laugh, go on nice holidays, and have a shared history. The rejection is soul destroying and sometimes I do wonder if it was worth giving up sex for - but looking at the dating pool I would rather take the quiet companionship over sex.

people say you haven’t got a marriage but marriages look all different kinds of ways. Accept he’s not ever going to seek help for it - how do you feel then?

The thing is, he wasn’t abusive before the cancer treatment side effects caused the sex problems. It just became a bigger and bigger issue and then it is like switch flipped once he found an OW.

I think these situations very much depend on what you prioritise in life. There is no right or wrong. Personally I would put companionship over sex.

Goodness. I am so sorry all this happened to you. The cancer, the side effects you have had to endure, the pain, the worry, the STI, the violence.

Your post has made me quite emotional but also very angry for you.

Your husband is an absolute shit bag. I can confidently say that even as a stranger.

I hope things get better for you and am so sorry for all you have suffered.

Believe me, when you’re shoe-horned into being totally trapped into a sexless life apparently forever, what didn’t seem so important before suddenly becomes massive.

This is 100% true, and I am trapped by my own body because of side effects from cancer treatment. Just because I was the one unable to have sex, it didn’t mean I wasn’t also dealing with the mental and emotional fall out from it too. It is soul crushing to be forced into the life of a nun.

Still am. I mean a man I recently met flirted with me, we chatted and he later called me asking me to go on a date with him. I was immediately thinking he should run a million miles away from me because he doesn’t know I can’t have sex. I turned him down saying I am married. (Technically still true as divorce is not final). I panicked and have no idea how to tell anyone I can’t have sex as that is incredibly personal and I’d literally just met him. The whole meeting, dating it’s all meant to be fun and lighthearted and sexual. How do I tell them, when do I tell them? That’s what every future man I meet is going to expect isn’t it? Sex. So, no I don’t think I will find a man who just wants companionship.

Thanks. Yeah, it left such a mark that I’ll never, ever take sex for granted again. Some of the replies saying that sex is a bonus and companionship is the most important thing are eliciting a mirthless laugh from me. That’s what I thought, until I was trapped with no hope of ever having sex again for the rest of my life.

He left me, which devastated me, but it was a gift in disguise. I’m still not over that marriage (coercive control and psychological abuse) but I have had some HOT HOT sex since then with some HOT HOT men. Somewhat hilariously, they were all bigger than my husband, although I never thought he was small. My current squeeze is not only quite a bit bigger than my exH but absolutely leaves him in the dust in terms of bedroom skill. I do things with him that I never did with exH. Hahahaha! I’ve been banged to smithereens, and the guy I had before this one was a gorgeous paramedic who was….enormous. He used Trimix and I really thought I was going to need stitches, bahahaha! Anyway, my exH was pathetic, and it turned out there was a whole new world out there…

On the involuntary erections in the morning, that isn’t proof a man doesn’t have a physical ED problem as just having a full bladder from a night of sleeping can cause a morning erection.

Love this for you x 1000!

OP, regardless of how likely it is to find another relationship or not, when you’re single there is always the possibility. You are free.

And I don’t think your husband is kind. Telling you that your choice is to put up with a companionate marriage or you’ll never see him again is the height of unkindness. So is spitting out your breast, for heaven’s sake.

You are right about the financial entanglements and the shared history etc. No one ever said that breaking up a marriage was easy. But it can be done; millions of people do it, and what use is all that if the marriage is negatively affecting your psychological health? If you don’t feel buried alive yet, you will. It’s extremely damaging to be married to someone who treats your body and sex life this way. I’d rather live in a studio flat and eat ramen but have my freedom and a world of possibilities before me.

I'm currently trapped by finances, but in the next five years I stand to inherit what I think will be around 500k and at that point I will have options.

I would never cheat, but I am pretty much decided on leaving once I am able. We have had many conversations about how unhappy I am and nothing ever changes. I think he is happy, and I think he assumes that once I've "had a rant" I've "got it out of my system". He lacks empathy and I don't think he understands how unhappy I am with the situation despite me telling him.

I'm just resolved to leave when I can.

OP said all her dhs tests were all normal and she thought it was possibly psychological.

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through!

I don’t know how old you are, but there are plenty of men out there who have also had reproductive cancers, like prostate, and whose sexual function has also been severely compromised. Two people in that situation have many, many ways of pleasing each other that don’t involve PIV.

In your shoes, I would get myself a clitoral vibrator and have some fun. Those things are the best.

Oh - as for when to tell them. Well, it’s not quite the same, but I have genital herpes - a lovely gift from my horrible exH. I tend to go for radical honesty and just let the cards fall where they may. I do OLD and I tell them in the initial chatting stages, before we meet. Fifty percent said no bc of it and fifty percent didn’t care. If you are honest that you can’t do PIV but point out that there are many ways to please, you might well attract people who also have physical issues but who don’t want to give up on intimacy. You would be well-matched, in hat case.

You’ve probably already thought of this, but is therapy with vaginal dilators an option?

@Yewlez if you are married you really need to divorce before receiving the inheritance.

Totally my situation too.
X

THIS 100%

I’m so sorry this is your situation. Everyone should feel desired,loved,wanted in a relationship.

You’re Not happy right now, and you’re not going to be happy in 5, 10 years time, most likely worse unless he takes steps to doing something about this, but he needs to want to do it and it doesn’t sound like he does. Hes told you if you seek sex with anyone else he will leave. Which means he’s already resigned himself to the fact you’re going to have a sexless marriage, and he’s obviously accepted that otherwise he’d be taking steps to change it.

You deserve so much more.

Haven't RTFT but I would look into therapy with a relationship and psychosexual therapist as you suspect it's mainly psychological.

Google COSRT and search their register.

I appreciate this isn't helpful if he won't engage with it though. Maybe in that instance some individual therapy to help you process your feelings and what you want moving forward would be helpful.

Your story really rings home. My DH is 8 years older than me. We’ve been together 45 years now and my DH has never really been interested in sex. It was usually instigated by me and quite often after an argument where I’d let him know I wanted him but he’d said no, he would then sometimes give in a day or two later to shut me up making me feel awful like I was sex mad when to be honest maybe we’d not done it for a few weeks. He always blamed something for not wanting it, been at work and now tired, got work tomorrow, not in the mood, too much going on in our lives, do it tomorrow night (obviously didn’t). I suggested toys, nope wouldn’t use them. We would often go a year in between doing it. I felt like an utter reject, he wouldn’t ever talk about it, a stupid grin would come over his face and he refused to talk if I mentioned it. When he did do it, once he once ok, he just rolled over and went to sleep every single time, didn’t occur to him to finish me. Absolutely no imagination whatsoever, it was plain he just didn’t want sex especially when he started suffering with ED. Against his better judgement he tried Viagra once and decided he didn’t like the headache he said he got, then at 58 (just over another year of not doing it) he just stopped sex completely after not being able to get it up again and I was not allowed to talk about it or try anymore, I could tell he was relieved. There wasn’t really any affection or kissing either. We’ve lived like brother & sister and over the years I’ve grown so so resentful and angry inside due to his inability to want me. He’s not had any affair and has expected me to remain faithful too. I stayed with him in the beginning because we had a child together and I didn’t want my child to come from a one parent family plus I always hoped my DH would suddenly realise he wanted sex with me. As the years have gone on I’ve accused my DH of being gay (still not sure) but I think he’s really asexual. His brother is exactly the same a 70 year old virgin, and funnily enough his younger sister is a lesbian.
whether it was the way he was brought up I’ve no idea but what I do know is staying with him has ruined my life, I’m 68 now and he’s used me as a cook, cleaner, housemaid and mother, I’ve worked, brought our child up and do all the sorting out money wise, hell I even paid our mortgage off but I’ve had nothing physical off him in donkeys years. Since he completely stopped sex 12 years ago I’ve not let him touch me nor kiss me not that he’s really tried but I’m completely cold toward him, as far as I’m concerned I’m not really married, only in name anyway. I won’t take him on holiday or mix with his family now. Sod that I’ve put too much into this crap marriage having got nothing out. Now the best part, he got early onset dementia and I’ve had to become his carer and I’m angry stressed and so sad thinking if only I’d got out of this marriage years ago even if it meant living on my own. I’ve been used and am still being used and it makes me extremely resentful. It’s also making me quite ill but that’s another story.
please think long and hard, years fly by so quickly and at 39 you are definitely too young not to feel the love that a good sex life from a good man can give you. Don’t let the years fly by where you are his companion until he retires and then you become his carer, it’s no fun looking back in hindsight and regretting staying with a man that doesn’t want you and makes you feel rubbish because he can’t be bothered to satisfy you or even try.

Excellent advice not.
Maybe meet someone who can shag you in the way you'd like but has a whole host of other problems. The perfect person dosent exist. Better the devil you know sometimes.

I very much doubt OP could find someone who has everything she wants. What happens if you do find someone but they can't have sex anymore it can happen.

Does she thing change partner again. All change. It dosent bring stability and peace.

This dosent make sense
Even if you find a man who can give good sex dosent mean your going to stay together. He might go off with drone else. He might become ill.
There just are no guarantees.

Being single is a very valid option, and it's a lot less lonely than being with the wrong person. Not having your fundamental relationship needs met, and I mean other things as well as sex and intimacy, is soul destroying.

This post is so sad. I couldn’t look after someone who has treated me like utter shit like this. Why did you stay so long?