Would you stay in a sexless marriage that feels like companionship?

[Tyleeporschaxx]

Hello, sorry for the long post I’m looking for some opinions on my situation as I don’t really have any female friends to talk to about this, and it’s obviously far too sensitive to discuss with my mum.
I’m 39 and my husband is 52. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 5. When we first got together, our sex life was really good. Over the last 3 years, though, it has gradually become pretty much non-existent.
My husband started having a very low libido and problems getting and maintaining an erection. He’s had blood tests and hormone tests and has been under a urology specialist, and everything has come back completely normal.
He was prescribed Viagra, but it didn’t work for him and he tried two different types. He then gave up on that. He was offered a vacuum pump, but after trying it a couple of times he said it hurt around his pubic area and that it didn’t really work, so he has basically given up on that too. He doesn’t want injections or cream because he’s worried about pain and scarring.
At this point he seems to have decided that he is simply sexless and there’s nothing more that can be done.
We haven’t had successful sex for 8 months now the last time was when drunk.
The thing I’m really struggling with is that I still have a sex drive. I still want to feel desired, touched and wanted by my husband. I don’t just mean having an orgasm I miss the intimacy and feeling like I’m actually in a sexual relationship.
I do wonder whether there is a psychological element to his ED because he does still get erections at other times, including very strong erections after a nap sometimes. when it comes to being sexual with me it just doesn’t happen. I obviously have no idea what is going on in his head, though.
He has offered to do things like oral sex, but then says it doesn’t actually do anything for him. Personally I find that really off-putting. I don’t want to feel like my husband is doing sexual things to me as a chore while getting nothing out of it himself.
Something else happened recently that has really upset me. We were messing around and he sucked my breast, then immediately spat it out and started making spitting noises, went to the sink, took a drink of water and spat again, saying “urgh, perfume.” He may genuinely have tasted perfume, but after everything that has happened sexually between us, it really knocked my confidence and made me feel rejected and embarrassed.
I’ve tried to be understanding about his ED. I’ve encouraged him to seek treatment, supported him through appointments and tried to understand what might be causing it. But I’m honestly at the end of my tether now.
I finally asked him what this means for us, and he basically said that I either accept a sexless marriage or, if I go elsewhere for sex, he will leave and I will never see him again.
So I said, “So we’re companions then?” and he said yes.
I love my husband and I don’t necessarily want to leave him. We have a life together and I value the companionship, affection and security we have. But I am only 39 and I genuinely cannot imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually alone.
I also don’t think it’s fair for me to be expected to simply switch off my sexuality because his has disappeared.
I understand that erectile dysfunction is a genuine medical problem and I know he probably finds it difficult too.
I just want some honest opinions from women who have perhaps been in a similar situation.
Would you consider this a marriage anymore if you were in my position, or would you see it as becoming more of a companionship? And how would you cope with still having a strong need for sex and intimacy when your partner has essentially accepted that part of the relationship is over?
We dont have children so it is just us.
And financially we know we're better together and get on well.

Absolutely I would but then I’m almost 60. I’m not so sure I would have at your age. At different ages we need and value different things. As you head into your 40’s and into peri menopause, this in some cases (like mine) can trigger a massive increase in sex drive.

My dh is loving, attentive (and probably wants more sex), but if I never had sex again I’d be fine. At my age true companionship is the greatest gift.

Nope! He's never been interested in breasts! only when ive tried to prompt him.
He's offered oral but then said it does nothing for him so no thanks as its off putting. He's also never matrubated in over 2 years as before ED started he lost his libido for himself also.

Is he being truthful about the not masturbating?

stability and peace? wtf !!!

it’s misery and boredom ?? No fucking thanks.

Youre 39! My libido was at its absolute maximum in my 40s. This is only going to get a lot harder for you, I suggest you take him up on his offer and leave. His lack of understanding for the position he has put you in is incredibly selfish. Im sure he very much enjoyed sex in his 40s. But now is issuing ultimatums to you instead of working out how to resolve the problem. Tells you all you need to know.

But there’s also a lot of low quality men in relationships. When I was single I’d come across plenty of the low quality partnered men - on dating apps! 😆

To be clear, I wouldn’t say OP’s partner is low quality because he struggles with an erection but he seems to have a selfish and childish attitude. Clearly there’s a psychological dimension to this - or at least he should be willing to explore that possibility and resolve things.

Yeah I don’t get the whole “there could be bad guys out there in the dating pool” advice, because it doesn’t sound like she’s with a very great man now. He seems to lack care and consideration for her and has a selfish streak.

I am not saying she should leave him or not, but if she stays it shouldn’t be because of the fear she won’t find anything better.

OP, bless you for giving it another try, but I do think you should face the fact that your marriage is over. This is a man who spat your breast out and then went and rinsed his mouth of it, for heaven's sake! For whatever reason, he does not want to show you any physical affection. There could be many reasons - he sounds gay, if you ask me - but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. He's no husband, he's just an annoying relative. I would take advantage of the fact that you have time, and start saving up. And get a higher-paying job or a promotion if you can. (You said you would find it financially tough on your own.) One day, when you're free of him and enjoying amazing sex and being desired by a normal red-blooded man again, you'll wonder how you ever put up with this and how you thought it was a good idea to live like this.

I was in a sexless marriage, too. It really scarred me. Being single is so much better than being in a marriage with someone who doesn't desire you ever, at all.

I think if a couple get on well and have fun together and it has been a mutual decision that sex doesn't matter, then who is anyone else to judge. However in this case, sex is important to you and there is a clear mismatch, and it sounds like the relationship is beyond repair.

I would not stay in a sexless marriage unless there were medical reasons that made sex impossible and all venues had been explored. Even then, l would expect regular oral and other intimacy.

Life’s to short to play best mates.

Your post says alot about you.

It's very strange, it doesn't make a lot of sense unless he just not into girls maybe, you don't think there is a possibility that he's Asexual or maybe has changed his sexual preference or something?

It's often due to a pornography addiction.

Could be that the models he looks at are 20 somethings/very slim/very curvy/very tall/very short - either way, different to you - and that because it's not POV it has a voyeuristic slant which does not replicate participation.

Furthermore, it's easy - turn on screen, click thumbnail, and 5 minutes later you are done. No need to warm someone up for days in advance, to groom oneself, plan a date, be well turned out, be charming, or to have any technique. Once you are regularly using pornography to gratify yourself, intimacy with mature woman that you are familiar with seems absurd.

It can be fixed but he will need to go come clean, and go cold turkey. But it is recoverable in as short a timeframe as a month as long as he wants to rewire his brain.

Have you discussed you seeking sex only elsewhere? I can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who was comfortable asking me to not have a sex life just because they couldn't.

I would not be willing to live like that at your age, not at all.

But OP is 39 and he's 52 so she's basically a spring chicken herself...i'm willing to bet he's punching way above is weight...

I think the bit that's unclear is why someone wouldn't want to try and get an erection so he can pleasure his wife, it's the refusal to try that's odd, and he seems to wake up with a boner so my guess is it's probably psychological so only a problem when he's in a conscious state, like a fear of going limp or something.

Yeah I think it’s likely psychological but the reason why he’s not invested in trying to address this is because he’s selfish and/or secretly wants OP to leave him.

I don’t know if it’s to do with that in this situation, but some men are deluded and steeped in misogyny related ageism. I remember a 44 year old telling me when I was 37 that he usually dates younger women but basically was speaking to me because he wanted to date a woman his “ own age” for a change.

I told him that he should date his own age then, it took him a minute to catch on 😂

Yes 37 and 44 are close in age, but I doubt he would have viewed a woman even 5 years older as being his “own age”!

There are genuinely 50 year old men who see 40 year old women as too old. It’s one reason why I refuse to date older men.

Interesting, i guess everyone is different, i give myself limits of 10 years either side, there is a good chance with those limits that we'll have something in common and i won't be trying to perform outside of my capabilities.

Thank you for your kind words. Not to go into too much detail but every other way ‘to please’ sexually inc. all sex toys and dilators are off the table due to historic child sex abuse that lasted for years. I have nothing to offer anyone sexually. That’s just the way it is. I’m not even going to bother OLD. There is no
point.

"Nope! He's never been interested in breasts! only when ive tried to prompt him.
He's offered oral but then said it does nothing for him so no thanks as its off putting. He's also never matrubated in over 2 years as before ED started he lost his libido for himself also."

Debates always break out on MN as to whether sexual intimacy is a reasonable expectation in a marriage (there's been just such a debate on another thread today). It's fine if both parties are content with celibacy but otherwise it is a problem. Obviously no-one should be forced into sex they don't want and the details of a sex life (types of sex act, frequency etc) may require some discussion even when both parties want to be sexually active. But for many of us sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of our marriage and one of the things that distinguishes our marriage from other relationships and we would struggle if it were simply taken off the table long-term, without discussion or an attempt at any accommodation.

So while your husband should not be forced into sex, you also can decide you don't want to be forced into celibacy. You're only 39 (and btw my libido increased during perimenopause and has continued to thrum along nicely in my post-menopausal years). Your husband is apparently not interested in offering you anything sexual for the sake of your pleasure. He's not interested in addressing the problem. But he's totally against you looking elsewhere for sexual intimacy. It apparently suits him at 52 to start living a celibate life (though my DH is in his 60s and we're still active) and some women in their 50s would be happy with that. But he chose a partner 13 years younger than him. It seems to me that he's just being very selfish and unloving about this. If he continues in this way, I'm not sure your relationship necessarily has a future.

If OP is young, he may be looking at mature women. If OP is slim, he may be looking at curvy women.

Whatever he is looking at, it's not what OP is.

I actually have thought about this, and to a certain extent, I do agree. I catch him looking at slimmer, younger women, but at the same time, he can come across as quite misogynistic, by pulling women down and saying they look skanky, etc., when we’re out on nights out. It’s very odd behaviour!
I do question why I stay, but the fact is, I switch myself off half the time and just get on with it because of the financial comfort.

Yes I have discussed that with him and his response was No as he'd be Jealous..