DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I’m 18 months on from you, and I can promise you it is so worth all the shit you’re about to endeavour.

You won’t realise how much stress and pressure there was around your finances he’s gone.

You also don’t want DC thinking his hobby job is normal either.

Sending you lots of strength, you’ve got this 💪

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with

no he wasn’t…. You’d been having relationship counselling with him because he was a crap partner

He's a lightweight. Most people now entering the workforce can expect to be in it for at least 45 years.

Oh, and because I'm naturally suspicious.....I'd get your credit report and freeze said credit to make sure he hasn't tried to take anything out in your name or can't try anything now. Maybe I'm paranoid, but as they say....just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean someone's not out to get you 😀

@BeLimeTiger - You might want to sign up for the ‘Property Alert’ service from the Land Registry to prevent your home being transferred into your ex partner’s (or anyone else’s) name.

Details on www.gov.uk (Crime, Justice and Law section).

Yep I felt like that too - big ideas that he initially hid - he only had a very ordinary job in my case when I met him , but it became pretty clear he had quite a high opinion of what he should be doing, without the talent, work ethic or motivation to make it work - I wouldn’t have minded if he still had the ordinary job!! It was when I realised he had high expectations too based on my income ( and I had a good job but only around the £50k level as if it was now) that I realised he didn’t actually mind leeching off me without that much effort on his part

He continues to show himself in his true colours, doesn’t he?

I would get your exams done (best of luck there) and as soon as they are over, tell him you have changed your mind about the deadline and he needs to be gone by X date. Have the locks changed on the deadline day and in the meantime, when he’s off networking or whatever, move as much of his stuff as possible into the spare room.

Brook no nonsense from him and if you are at all concerned about what shenanigans he might get up to on deadline day, have a friend or two to back you up and ‘help’ him move his belongings out of the house.

@FloofyKat you're about 2 weeks behind on the updates from OP

So sorry, my IPad MumsNet seems to be playing up and not showing me more recent posts. I was responding, I see, to a post a week ago, but even so ….

I shall check post dates more carefully from now on.

if I loved him I would have supported and encouraged him through his self employment journey.

His hobby (self employment journey, pompous bullshit) was him spending money on a dream while living off you and trying to tell you you couldn't to see your business clients in your home. His ineptitude and lack of effort and being so out of touch with reality while sponging off you made you fall out of love with him. Love is not unconditional between adults. You supported him for 18 months living in your house with no income coming in in the last 6 months and you were setting him free to come to terms with reality before he spent all his money. So you actually did him a favour.

It says a lot about how much your DS has enjoyed living with him - given that all he was worried about what the dogs!

This will be the best thing for him too @BeLimeTiger

I think this sums it up perfectly. I can’t imagine being so entitled. In fact, I can’t imagine anyone I know being so entitled.

I definitely feel sad at points during the day, but I’m getting on with life. I picked up my DS from school and explained that he’d gone. I explained that it wasn’t personal to him, some people just aren’t very good at goodbyes.

I’m pleased that our future is safe and I can live how I want to in my own house. I doubt he’ll ever be able to see things from my perspective, but that’s not important now.

Absolutely, this is textbook gaslighting on his part.

So happy for you OP!

I’m laughing imagining how happy your sister is. I can imagine her texting her friends ‘she’s finally done it, she’s dumped him!’ 🤣🤣 It’s really hard watching a friend or loved one hook up with a dud partner. And then having to socialise with the partner because it’s the only way you see them.

I think it was quite hard for her, but yes she’ll definitely be doing that!

Virtual champagne party for you OP!

FFS..
I'm a man (sorry) but have known so many cocklodgers like this and he is a useless leech who will destroy all the good you have worked for your entire life and destroy your family.
Get rid asap and give no reasons as he will come crawling back but give nothing but pathetic excuses.
I am a happily married man of 40 years but know the wiles of unscrupulous men.
Please believe me.
Good luck.

FFS..
I'm a man (sorry) but have known so many cocklodgers like this and he is a useless leech who will destroy all the good you have worked for your entire life and destroy your family.
Get rid asap and give no reasons as he will come crawling back but give nothing but pathetic excuses.
I am a happily married man of 40 years but know the wiles of unscrupulous men.
Please believe me.
Good luck.

Has he been sending any snivelling messages @BeLimeTiger ?

@BeLimeTiger

So now it's time to just relax. You've been living with the stress he's caused you for months. Remember that now your money is your money to spend (or save) how you like. Your food shop will contain only things you and DS like. Your utility bills will go down. If there's been a TV subscription you've been paying for but don't really use, you can cancel it!! Or add one if you want to because I'll bet in a month or so you'll see that you can easily afford it! And as for holidays, you'll now go where you or DS wants to go, when you want to go. And Christmas will be 'different' I'm sure, but it will be all about you and DS. And isn't all that simply marvelous?

Yes, you will feel sad at times, that's normal. Women who have ended bad relationships often feel sad. It's the death of the dream, not the loss of the man. But you will soon find better dreams.

Why the FFS? She dumped him ages ago.

I feel sad at points during the day, but generally positive about the future. Living with him meant either funding (enabling) his poor choices, or living a restricted life myself. I will be worse off in the short term (largely due to daycare expenses for the dogs), but they’re part of the family as far as DS and I are concerned. In the long term I won’t be squashing down feelings of worry or resentment and I won’t be facing the prospect of supporting another adult in retirement.

I’ve not heard a peep from him and I haven’t reached out. It’s his pattern to cut people off and start again, so I’m not really surprised.

Remember to get your council tax reduction for single occupancy

That seems brutal, but actually it could be so much easier than having him popping up alternately snarky or pleading. Hope you and DS have a wonderful October break, worry free! and lots of conker collecting autumn walks with your d dogs.