DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

he wants any hope of meeting a woman that will meet his exacting standards (both in terms of looks and financial stability

would he comment on your looks negatively?

Well done you! Congratulations on your exams and best of luck for the future. It's the first time I've ever said cocklodger get rid, by the way.

There are so many things that people can put in an OP, which would mean it covers several acres and nobody would want to plough through it. Besides, some things only come to light or become relevant once the OP has already posted, when other contributing events suddenly become clear to them.

@BeLimeTiger Wishing you all the best, and pleased that this feckless layabout is no longer any of your concern.

My brother did the "i can't work for anyone but myself" thing. My sister in law developed mental health problems due to the stress of caring for and providing for the family alongside caring for his ego. They're still together, living in a falling down house with no money or pension. They're not happy together. Its very sad but I think you've done the right thing

I’ll be saying it now when I see a similar post 🤣

I’m not surprised at all that she developed MH problems. I wasn’t actively worrying about it all day, but it was always in the background and I’d go through periods of intense worry and waking up at night. There’s a real freedom in not having to hold any of this anymore

Already having been to relationship counselling but then he refused to continue…. Is importantly enough to the background id say to warrant early inclusion personally as suggests long standing and other issues at play.

"It’s much better for him that you ended it now (while he still has £25k) rather than prolonging the inevitable and asking him to leave when he’d exhausted all his savings."

Yeah, you did the right thing for HIM too, OP. He won't see that - not that it matters what he thinks - but you were really kind to him for doing this now.

This means nothing. I've looked up several companies on there, and they all show little to no cash flow, when I know the opposite is true. My sister earns over £100k a year self employed, but her records at Companies house just show a few pounds here and there. I don't get it.

He can’t sell a lifestyle business as typically buyers of businesses don’t want to be heavily involved in the day-to-day. Which as a lifestyle business you are. He’ll have a heck of a lot of figuring out to do. Took me 10 years to get it. This may be what he needs and it may work in the end, but becoming financially successful is a lot of hard work, uncertainty and stress, all of which you didn’t sign up for. You’ve done the right thing OP.

When @BeLimeTiger writes her autobiography, we can make sure she gets an editor to put all the background detail in the correct order😀

This is what some car dealers do.. their official assets are £1 on company register. Partly because cars are sale or return.. so it puts people off suing them.

@BeLimeTiger What strikes me from your post is that there isn't really anything about love or romance mentioned and finances are the overriding factor, and when you get to that stage, its time to wave goodbye.

You owe him nothing financially, his situation changed work wise after you got together and you gave him a chance to follow his dreams, but he needs a reality check and he is evidently not ready for that yet and banks on you supporting hi when his money runs out.

I think if he still has money in the bank, you need to end it now, so he has the funds to find elsewhere - this is not on you, its on him. It will get even nastier if you wait for his money to run out and he has no money behind him to leave with

When you got together you saw a future, a home together and you were both aiming and working towards a better life, you had the same dream. Your child would benefit from that too, happy parent, happy life.

He lost his job, not his fault and he wanted to give s/e a shot and you let him and in fairness to him, he has paid his way in your home.

But lets be straight here, living in your home, just paying towards utilities and a little for rent, would in all likliehood be substantially cheaper than renting somewhere himself, as he had before therefore extending the life of his diminishing savings. He has not been with you sufficiently long enough to have (forgive the phrase but I can't think how else to put it) banked financial good will on his previous contributions to your home.

Then when you decide to try an earn extra by doing some work form YOUR home, he veto's it with the idea of you renting somewhere to do it and when you point out that will cost half what he contributes, he says you are emasculating him. It sounds to me like he wants his cake and to eat it too. No hint of compromise or understanding of the sacrifice you are making for him. If he had clients and was building, that is one thing, but after 18mths its sounds like there is no market for his business, or he is not understanding what needs to be done. There is no shame in trying and failing but he needs to realise when to quit and get employment.

I think you do need to finish your exams and then end this relationship because even if he did find paid employment, the rot has set in now and it will eventually fail.

Thrilled to hear he’s out, even though he’s trying to use basic bitch shock tactics about it to destabilise you. Been following since your OP with a genuine sense of dread that you had this termite in your walls.

As with the consensus of other replies, get him gone! He's bringing nothing to the table but stress. You deserve better

Why does someone who only pays a small rent contribution get to veto you seeing clients in your home? He sounds controlling and tbqh a bit of a user

The "I don't want you seeing clients at home where I work as I'd find it intrusive " has really stuck with me.

BUT FFS please, if you dont have time to read whole thread (it is 35 pages so bit understandable), please click on See all on any of the OP's posts.

As if by magic you will see everything she has written and that she has got rid.

And of course these losers always throw out the "i was working on something that would set us up for life".

Delboy and "next year we'll be millionaires".

They are all the same.
Bullshitters.

Bet money on it that he will do any an all of the following.

Come back saying he's missing you terribly.
Get a job to try and find his next mark.

Completely rewrite history that this was all some great plan about to come to fruition.

Great suggestion to reorganise the bedroom, new bedding.

Definitely get a video bell for the house.

I'm retirement age and retirement is really not cheap at all if you are to have any enjoyment.

An old friend of mine has a lovely husband that is a creative and now at retirement age, her pension is all they have.
It's a good pension as pensions go, but she said they will not be flashing it.
She is so grateful they are morgage free.

She loves him but after 40 years of a stressful job that involved shift work and nights, it's disappointing to have to be so careful.
At least he always pulled his weight at home and with the kids, but still......

Yep, I know a woman who has just left her husband for one of these types. Full of talk of how he's promised they'll set up a business together tutoring kids for the 11+ (never mind that the market is saturated) so she can ditch her teaching job with secure pension. And never mind that he has 12 (12!) failed businesses on Companies House, some with his parents, some with his ex-wife. I have tried to drop hints but she's a loudmouth who won't listen so I suppose she'll just find out the hard way... Well done on escaping intact, OP!

@BeLimeTiger I lived with someone the same. Basically he wanted to earn as much as possible, by doing as little as possible and just be his own boss - it wasn’t obvious initially but the minute I got a good corporate job he was happy to coast and have plenty of self time without panicking - he was only late 20s at the time too . I was recently divorced. He was charming, good looking and quite fun and I learned a lot about cocklodgers- they don’t always start out showing that - I doubt you will hear from him again to be honest -sad and a horrible end I know - I had to do the same after 3 years for my own self preservation

He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive

um helloooo DP whose house is this? Since when do you get to tell me who I have in my house?

Door, that-a-way ... bye bye.

When he came into my life, I thought I’d finally met my person. Gentle, fun, good looking and ambitious. The man I met would’ve taken a dim view of someone playing at self employment for 18 months. I initiated all of the difficult conversations because I loved him and really wanted the relationship to work. There just came a point over the summer where I felt completely defeated and no longer saw a future with him. Another year of this would’ve made me ill.

I think it would have stopped some posters saying to give him the benefit of the doubt and another chance.

Almost

Your friends and family all know? I imagine they’ve been a bit concerned with him not working?