DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

In law, chip details are not proof of ownership. I would spend a couple of quid on getting some tags with your mobile numbers on them. If someone finds the dog, they will just call the number rather than going to the effort of finding an outlet with a chip reader.

Absolutely. My siblings have been really worried about. It. They know how stressed I’ve been as well as how hard I’ve worked to achieve financially security for myself and DS. I was really looking forwards to paying off my mortgage so I could go abroad with my DS over the school holidays… then very quickly it seemed that I had acquired another dependent. My sister initially liked him, but eventually found entitled and emotionally immature

I’d get together this weekend and crack open the champagne.

Ideally as he’s moving the last of his stuff out

Do you know where he’s actually going? He won’t be able to rent because he has no income!

His stuff is still all in the spare room?

I imagine he’s gone to stay with his friend for a bit, but I don’t really know. He had a lot of large items and pieces of furniture so maybe he’s got a storage unit somewhere.

His friend lives about 45 minutes away but I can’t imagine him wanting to settle there. He really liked this area, but I’m not sure he’d want to run the risk of bumping into me and DC. He won’t get a flat without a job but could afford to rent a room.

So the spare room is now cleared from yesterday?

he won’t be able to rent a room without proof of earning

I'm sorry for that. But Now, please change the locks TODAY!

He took everything else by the time I got home yesterday, and left his key. I’ve heard nothing from him.

Tonight… friends and family around. Champagne

Man's view (sorry).
He's a nearly middle aged man with no financial assets of his own with plenty of big ideas but is happy leeching off you, and I don't care how "nice" he is, he is taking the proverbial piss.
You have built a comfortable lifestyle by hard work and prudence for you and your child but this man is in danger of destroying all your life plans.
The red flags are huge
He is nothing but a cocklodger.
Get rid and find someone with similar lifestyle aspirations to yourself if only to protect your child.
Good luck !!!!

I have a DP but own my own house and live alone. I don’t anyone to live in my house for this reason. This is my worst nightmare.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive)

Oh does he now. Until he pays you 50% of your house deposit along with 50% of your mortgage payments he cannot afford to find such things intrusive.

He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

As he should. He found it emasculating because he knows he’s not a dominant figure, nor an equal partner financially. In my home county we have a saying; Don’t blame the mirror if your face is ugly.

So exactly the same as everyone else’s view

Sometimes people start a thread about a specific issue which then subsequently turns out to be a small part of a much wider picture, but sometimes the OP might not even see that connection having immediate relevance until later in the thread.

I think you're being mean @Pretendbafta; any thread will contain posts which echo views already posted.

But apparently holds so much more weight because its a man saying it 🙄

Mean? Goodness you must have thin skin

I was pointing out the same as everyone else’s

I give it 5 mins before he has secured a corporate job in Dubai or similar. He's exactly the type.

Well done and have a great holiday with your son. I find it telling that the dog has been the biggest worry for your son and not a man who has been around for 50% of his life thus far. You are well rid of him.

Get your locks changed by the way and change the wifi passcode and make sure the account is in your name.

Thank goodness you weren't married.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with him, but excellent news to hear he took his crap and left.
I was worried reading the thread that he was going to try and dig in and refuse to go!

a big sigh of relief

far better off being the cat lady than propping him up and him draining you

I feel so much relief for you.

Congrats on passing your exams and on getting rid of him! You’ll start to feel better in a month when it’s all settled down. 🌺

So sad to read this - and so proud of you. My DH are very conflict averse/avoidant attachment styles. When we stop talking (because it has got too heated and neither wants to say anything hurtful that they can’t take back later) it lasts 20-30 mins. Perhaps longer when I was younger and flounced and pouted, so maybe to a max of an hour. We have a rule that we never go to bed on a disagreement and that it is fine to agree to disagree and pick up an issue at a later date [by which time, we have usually both let it percolate and come back with a compromise position that often places us closely together]. Your ex sounds selfish and immature and, more importantly, unwilling to grow.

If your Ex had brought something to the table, something invaluable if not monetary that supported you and your DS, he would have a leg to stand on. But all he wanted, after just a few months of you being together, was an easy ride and a meal ticket. He was never your equal, never worthy.

So delighted that your house is clear of him.
Rock on with your clients.
This is wonderful news.
Gone quickly and relatively painlessly.

Video door bell up asap.

I wouldn't count on not seeing him again.

Him stropping off doesn't mean he won't come back when he cools his heels, 45 minutes away, pleading missing you!

OP, advice as already given by other posters but also change the locks. You need to check any would be rights he has to your house after 3 years of living with you, and contributing to the bills and paying "rent". I don't know how long you have had the house but you stated you have been with him for 5 years and I think the fact that you have come on to here for advice shows that you are worried about your financial future. I know that you believed it was for the long term when you invited/allowed him to move into your house but better to have him move out asap before it becomes both your house - legally. You can never be sure what housing laws will be introduced. Laws are made to protect unmarried couples and unfortunately there is often one partner that is left financially hard done by, because of the property being in the name of one person and not both, but it can also be the person who owns the home who gets the bad deal, if the partner who moves in is one of those people who see a partner with their own property as a nice little pension pot or who believe that just moving in for a couple of years entitles them to half of all assets if they break up. Unless you are both financially equal when you move into together or buy a house together, you risk these kind of problems when the relationship breaks down or simply runs it's course which many do. Unless you are madly in love with him and prepared to keep him financially for the forseeable, then get rid. Now! Good luck OP.