DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

Why would you need to wait until after your DD’s GCSEs? It sounds as though she’ll be much happier with him gone.

I’d get the valuations done this week. It might take a while to get the house sold anyway.

Absolute classic example, too.

Yeah it sounds like you understandably don't want the difficulty of pulling the trigger on the relationship but surely this relationship is not salvageable

He's already "training" you to not bring it up by being aggressive, denying, diminishing things.

GCSEs are ages away... I'd get it on the market and accelerate your life without him.

If you have decided to leave def don’t wait till after exams and live with him for another 6/9mth+ till house sells

And I promise you the holiday will be fine without him. He probably doesn’t want to go anyway and having a man with you who doesn’t want to be there is far harder work than being alone with the DC.

Why can't he live with his mum until the house is sold?

So are you satisfied that what you've seen spent adds up to near the additional 20k he has had to borrow and his salary surpless from joint bills every month. From info you've given that's about 50k expenditure over last 3 years. That's the only question that needs to be answered at this stage.

If you genuinely can't see the spend leading up to the transfers onto cards, can you at least see where the 1500, or whatever it is, that doesn't go into joint expenditure goes each month. Obviously 30 is accounted for paying you back so that's fine 🙄. But the rest?

100% agree with this. The tension in the house will only increase the longer this lingers.

Has he let you log on to his Trading212 account and look at the history yet? I know he’s shown you the balance after being really rude and saying that you “wouldn’t understand” but the balance doesn’t show where the money went.

I don’t want to uproot my DD during what is a really important year for her. I couldn’t afford to live in the place we live now and we would have to move hundreds of miles away to be closer to family. DPs mum is also hundreds of miles away - we are very isolated. Ironically, that was what I was talking to mortgage advisor about and how we hope to move closer to fmaily for more support.

@ExplodingSmittens he showed me his account, it’s now empty as he said he needed to withdraw it and he made all of £30 on what he ‘invested’

Did he show you the history on the account? Seems a bit odd that he’s saying he had to withdraw the money. If he did withdraw it, where’s it gone?

It seems more likely that he’s been day trading and blown the lot.

Or give a reason he had to withdraw it...

OP, he's pulling the wool over your eyes. The vagueness is a dead giveaway. Honestly, this is excruciating to read.

Look for a forensic accountant, call them and have a chat, have their name and business on hand, and then tell him you are contracting them. Do something.

OP, he's pulling the wool over your eyes. The vagueness is a dead giveaway. Honestly, this is excruciating to read.

Look for a forensic accountant, call them and have a chat, have their name and business on hand, and then tell him you are contracting them.

DO something.

Because he is leading you up the garden path. God knows how much debt he really has. You and your kids are in financial danger.

OP, your H is telling you repeatedly, loudly and clearly, what truly matters to him. Sadly, that’s not you. You are never going to get the truth from him. He’s certainly not interested in telling you.

I would go on holiday with your mum but not with him. Some time away from him will do you no harm, and will give you some thinking space. I really hope it helps you to see what many of us on here can see, based on what you’ve told us … that he isn’t worthy of you.

https://www.which.co.uk/news/article/why-was-i-allowed-to-trade-high-risk-investments-alujd8J1QKfX?utm_source=ExactTarget&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=4708366-M_MW_EM__20260928&mi_u=227094263&mi_ecmp=M_MW_EM__20260928

This is an interesting article on Which about how some trading is like gambling and it mentions Trading 212

Thank you for the article @EducatingArti .
@FloofyKat I know, I can see that in a lot of ways, it’s very confusing because of course now after 2 weeks he is finally saying he loves me will go to therapy etc.
Ive been reading a lot about dismissive avoidant attachment types and it’s him down to a tee. I even found an old mumsnet article where someone was in very similar situation, their partner hid debt and also similar types of responses. He has always struggled emotionally, if I cry he often blanks me/says he doesn’t know what to say. Or even gets annoyed/angry if I’m upset by something he has done sd he takes it as such a personal criticism of his character.