DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

sorry for typos - bleary eyed from all the crying

Quite honestly my relationship would be over if I found out someone I fully trusted had effectively lied to me for years and years, who had destroyed a normal and safe future for our children who could end up homeless because of his inability to stop spending. He didn't reach out to you for help, or Citizens Advice, or his GP (if depressed), he just spent, spent, spent.

A good relationship is based on trust, honesty, good communication and support/caring. Your relationship has none, and probably won't in the future. It's probably time for you to see if you can financially go solo with the kids because you will end up paying for him and/or his debts too which could force YOU into debt too.

What did he spend it on? It's usually gambling, drugs or women which add another layer of emotional complication to the debt.

Thank you @WinterBlues26 - I think you are probably right but it’s a terrifying reality and I almost feel like I couldn’t go through the stress of a break up etc.
he swears it was just on covering bills and food etc while money was tight while I was off on maternity etc. I have seen a small part of one d his statements and didn’t see anything dodgy but he’s refusing to show me anything else. Says he’s doesn’t want to be scrutinised. He said he felt very ashamed and has buried his head in the sand etc. I think he can afford to pay it off but it means money will be tight for a long time and we won’t be able to do anything nice with the kids or save for something special .

Did you not know you were struggling financially as a family OP? Lying is never right but with 2 ‘very young children’ 25k on bills etc is a huge amount of money in a short amount of time, did you think he earnt a lot more than he does, or do you think he’s lying and was gambling or something?

If he genuinely wants to rebuild trust, then he needs total visability, and you need access everything.

However £25 k is a huge amount. How long has this accrued over? If over five years, then £5000 a year is only £100 a week, which soon goes on coffees, meal, clothes for the kids, car repairs etc . Over £25 k over a year is two grand per month. Inexcusable.

If he’s not willing to show you his spending, then he’s hiding something whether it’s gambling, further debt, prostitutes etc.

This is what I fear- it’s only through chance I found out and I can’t understand how it’s ended up being that much either. I knew money was tight. I had to keep dipping into my savings to cover things like car repairs or trips away etc… But £25k?! I don’t understand.
he’s said sorry and that we are probably better off without him. Truth is we couldn’t survive financially without him. I’d lose everything. I am so devastated.

I think you need to find the root of the debt, and if there’s any more, and how long it’s been accrued. If it’s gambling, get out now. He’ll drag you down with him. If it’s frittering away, then there may be hope.

Sadly it sounds like you can’t afford your current life financially with him either 😢

If he’s spent it on things outside your family life eg gambling/extravagant purchases etc then he could stop doing that, pay off the debt and get back on track. However if it really has been genuinely on things to sustain your current family life then neither of you can afford to carry on living as you are and bigger things would need to change.

He is swearing to me it was just spent on household stuff over last 2-3 years. But the lying ? Even if he was worried and ashamed . How can I trust him ?

Well then he has to show you his statements. You can't be expected to trust him when you don't have the full picture. He even lied to you and shaved 10k from the amount owed.

He has to step up and be open otherwise there isn't a hope in hells chance that you can get through this. He has to try and put himself in your shoes - if he cannot do that then you have no option but to walk away. You could never trust him again. IMO, that would be worse than leaving and starting over as a single parent.

He says it was spent on things for the family/bills/clothes for kids etc (by the way I always pay half although I earn significantly less than him). Our kids do not wear designer clothes , most are hand-me-downs or from ASDA. As he earns more he pays more towards mortgage and bills but I thought he still had a good chunk left to cover anything else he needs. I feel like I’ve been living in an alternate universe

That's not household spending. If it was then he would willingly show you the details on statements etc. He would be happy to clear it up.
As PPs said gambling/drugs/prostitute's/OFs.
Demand full transparency. You can't trust him until you know fully where the money has gone.

But 25k is the equivalent of some people’s take home pay (people have less!) … have you really been short than much?

This would be key for me. I’d be insisting on seeing said credit card statements. There’s something more going on here and if that’s not addressed it will almost certainly happen again. That said, I have a friend whose husband racked up debts with online gambling more than a decade ago, and they did work through it and he has never done anything of the sort again. But it starts with full transparency and a willingness to address his issues, whatever they may be.

I fully agree, he showed me his credit report and one itemised statement from the last month but that’s it. I said I need to see more and he said he’s not willing to do that because he thinks I just want to scrutinise his spending? I can’t force him but literally how can I trust him. I’ve asked him again if he’s been spending it on anything else and he is sticking to saying he hasn’t .

So what do you think he’s spent the money on?

So sorry op. He's still hiding something is my guess. If if it were me, I'd have to say that he either shows me the statements or the relationship is over. He doesn't get to dictate and hold the cards when all he's done is lie to you. If he wants you to believe and support him, he needs to be transparent. If he's being truthful now he has nothing to worry about has he? Very sadly, I suspect his spending is another secret he's defensive about.

I literally take home less than that a year 😢

Someone who has just secretly racked up 25K in debt should damn well expect their spending to be scrutinised at the very minimum!

Honestly his spending needs fully scrutinised. You should be scrutinising it and if it's household spending he should be willing. Tell him in no uncertain terms you need to see everything. If he's unwilling you know where you stand, get legal advice. That's insane debt. You don't get into that easily.
It's going to be a hidden addiction probably. You need to know what. You could end up losing more. Gamblers lose houses, everything.

I think it's very important to know where the money went. Was it on family necessities or reasonable family purchases or was he drinking/gambling/buying boys toys?

If the former your household income is too low for your lifestyle, how do you feel about that? Would you have approved any of this borrowing?

This does not excuse him hiding it from you and lying but I might understand his motivation.

Look through the statements, find out.

Decide if you're staying together and make a joint budget and check your credit report regularly, if you have a joint account you'll see his other accounts too..

2 options OP.

One you demand full transparency from him re bank statements.

OR go quiet. Say you expect him to fix it and you’re furious. Then silence. Let the relationship reach an even keel again. Then …. Go digging.

Option 2 is not the most ethical, granted. But you need the truth.

I would just end it. Not because if the spending but because of the reaction. He stormed out and got angry? He won’t show you statements or work together to form a workable plan? He’s hiding something and he has no intention of changing.

Get out now while you can. I feel terrible for your teenager but it sounds like they are the only one at school.

Seek advice from stepchange or CAB.

And I’m so sorry. This is tough.