DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

Where did you think the extra income was coming from?

And what is an affordability meeting?

If it was genuinely on household bills, then why wouldnt he let you look.... Im so sorry but he's clearly got something to hide here.

OP, I went through the same, only without kids. Found out about hidden debt from the mortgage advisor. You need to see ALL of the statements to make sure it wasn’t spent on gambling, OnlyFans etc. Even without these, it shows financial incompetence.
There are questions only you can answer: will you be able to trust him? Did you lose respect for him? Can you imagine a future where you regularly need to check his bank balance and credit score reports? Even though I love my partner I am now regretting not leaving after I discovered his lies.

Why did he keep it a secret all this time? Surely if you were struggling as a family he’d have spoken to you about it?
this is weird

With a mortgage advisor to see how much we can afford to buy

I think I would be done with a relationship unless he came clean about everything because you really have to know what went on

Do I need to speak to a solicitor for advice? We aren’t married. Luckily I got a clause drawn up when we bought our home thst if we split I’d get my deposit back as it’s much larger than his

When my ex lost his job we quickly ran up credit card debt of £29,000 just on living and paying everyday bills . It was all in my name and I didn’t bother him with the details as he was suffering with anxiety and depression. We later separated and unfortunately I was left with the debt but with hard work I have almost cleared it and managed to get a new mortgage. All is not lost OP. Some good advice on the debt free wannabe forum on Money Saving Expert.

How much does he actually earn? He must have a high enough income for the banks to extend this amount of credit to him. Presumably some proportion of it is on 0%? What are the actual monthly repayments?
Do you have insight to your monthly budget/spending?

He took out an interest free consolidation loan to pay off some of the credit cards but he still has a couple wiyh debt on plus now the debt from the loan. He earns £55kna year but that’s only changed recently. I imagine the outgoings will be high and so leaves is still stretched financially every month whereas we could’ve been very comfortable. Silly me was asking him about if we could put money aside for a decent holiday or even look at getting a new car. All out the window.

I am sorry about your situation. I think you do need to know whether he is gambling or not.

I hear your fear about uprooting again. Only you can decide what's right in the circumstances.

Saying this, most of the advice on Mumsnet seems to be "Get rid". As if life will all be roses after break-up.

Saying this, there is massive breach of trust and reasonable expectations. I think you need to push for relationship counselling. Otherwise there's a possibility the issues will fester and 2-3 years down the line you are no better off emotionally if not financially

I hope it helps

Speaking from experience (my exH), it is possible to run up quite significant debt, in his case €35k nearly 25 years ago, just on casual thoughtless spending. He bought, coffees, lunch, spent on nights out, meals and so on, it was all lifestyle. This was before we were married, and we didn’t live together. I hadn’t a clue. We earned approx the same & I assumed he was much better with money than I was. 🙄

I found out 6 months into our marriage when the mortgage payment bounced twice. Stupidly, I sorted it all out for him, consolidated all the debt into a loan that took 5 years to pay off & really impacted our financial situation.

On the money side, his debt is unforgivable - regardless of what it went on, he shouldn’t have allowed it accumulate. However, how did you not have clear sight of income, expenditure & costs, to know what the household spending was? Not to kick you when you are down, but you have also been reckless.

The next step is full disclosure. Every single document, statement, loan agreement etc. You need to find out where it went (and where the money came from). He needs to be open & engaged.

I won’t advise on your relationship as it depends so much on how DP responds & what’s behind this. Poor household management by you both is one thing, wilful misspending on something unacceptable, another.

FWIW, for the duration of our 10 year marriage, my H spent money like water. He never got better, it was never on any ‘thing’, he just wanted a certain kind of lifestyle & didn’t want to budget or limit himself. This got much worse when we had 3 DC quickly, both of us experienced redundancy & he had a period of ill-health. Our marriage ended finally when my youngest was a baby & after much abuse, his financial recklessness was part of that abuse (we are finally divorced & now apart 13 years, he still refuses to approach money ethically, lives a grand lifestyle while I have to drag money out of him & I still struggle & bitterly regret spending all my savings over the years (while married) rescuing him from his mess.

So sadly, I would say there is a significant chance his behaviour will not change, and you may have to make a decision about remaining with him.

But for now, focus on his spending (and your own attitude to money)

So for arguments sake lets assume the 55k translates to circa 3.5k monthly take home. The debt repayment is possibly around £500 - although you need to get clarity on all of those figures. If 3k is left where is that all going?

I think time to take the emotion out of it and get factual with actual detailed information. All expected expenditure needs to be on a spreadsheet there with a monthly breakdown and allocated by ratio to both your incomes. Start with yours for transparency and get him to add his.

The debt may well be a combination of costs from your mat leave and this "other" undeclared stuff - you won't know until you see the statements....

Good luck

We have a joint account for our shared bills and mortgage- he was paying it from his normal current account so I was none the wiser. I knew roughly how much he earns and believed it was enough although towards end of mat leave I had to increase my own overdraft as my small income wasn’t enough to cover food

I think firstly, I'd do the numbers to see if what he has said about the debt accumulating because of everyday costs is feasible.
Once your household bills and costs are deducted from both your wages, how much is actually left over? How much was left over when you were on maternity leave ( assuming your income dropped). Nursery fees? Child maintenance payments to his ex? How big is the mortgage? Life is expensive and I think it's possible to spend beyond your means.
He should have spoken to you straight away if the outgoings were exceeding what was coming in and that would be my main issue ( unless there's a secret gambling problem or something else going on).

I‘m sorry op but there’s more to this. The fact that he’s saying you’re better off without him and refusing to show all the statements says to me that he’d rather lose you than have you find out what he’s really spending it on so it must be really bad.

The thing is , if you are to have a future you need to go through his spending together anyway - to draw up a budget to go forward with and set some spending boundaries

if he won’t do that, ypunreally don’t have a future together even if his spending was ‘innocent’. ypu’ll never have a quiet night if you don’t have transparency goi g forward, because it could all be happening again. So tell him that

If you are very much spending what you earn, with no real savings. Then perhaps he spent the money on buying all the things needed for the baby (pushchair, car seat, nursery furniture, clothes etc), which is a large outlay. Plus it sounds like he was trying to maintain the same standard of living, by offsetting your drop in income due to maternity. A debt of £25k can build up rapidly if spent on credit cards and only making minimum payments (16% - 30% APR is not unusual). It sounds like like he is making payments as his his credit rating is good. But what you need is reassurance that the balance is going down. Ask him to show statements from a year ago so you can see if the debt is increasing or decreasing.

Well it absolutely needs to be scrutinised. Unless re shows complete transparency you have no idea if he is telling the truth or not. Plus from what you have said he is only telling you the minimum he can get away with.

He and the family do not currently have his trust and so you (on behalf of your family) needs to see what he doesn't want you to see.

Of course you need to scrutinise his spending over the last 3-4 years. His actions have led to this.

As a family all income should be pooled so you know what's coming in. All outgoings should be agreed & reviewed regularly. Once those have been covered as a family you decide how much goes into savings (including amounts for known annual spends), pensions etc (if possible) and anything left then goes on equal spends for you, him and the family. This way you can tell if there is a problem before it happens.

Are the debts credit cards or loans? Are they on 0% now?

Of course you need to know everything- as now as a family you will need to pool everything and do your budgets to cover the debt payments accordingly.

Also visit MoneySavingExpert if you are not already acquainted with it.

I think the first thing is to get more clarity on where the money has gone. Speaking from experience, my exH would blame bills and unexpected expenses. The truth was he had a gambling problem. And until he admitted it, it wasn’t going to change.

This isn’t just a financial issue. It’s a trust issue and that is a bigger problem for marriage.

You had to increase your overdraft to pay for food and he’s brining home £3,500 a month?

I know that you don’t want to split but for me, unless he’s honest and open about everything, truly remorseful and is willing to to engage with a Debt charity like CAP, Stepchange or Citizen’s Advice I think the relationship is beyond recovering.

But if you lost the house there is no deposit to get back.

Honestly all the things for the kids were either hand me downs / second hand - even got given our pushchair. We don’t live a flashy life. We stay home most weekends and go to the park, have had one B-road holiday in the last 7 years that I paid for out my svings and he is slowly paying me back £30 a month for. Yes cost of living is high but I am aware of how much all our bills are and even with that he should’ve had a small amount left over. It’s not adding up. I will ask again today aboit seeing the statements for the cards he paid off with the loan. That will give me a better idea of what’s gone on. The graph on his credit report showed debt is increasing wiyh a big spike a few months back