DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

I agree. Get away from the house, spend some time with your family that's some where different.

In your place I'd be saying that can he stop with the bleating about how awful he is because it doesn't achieve anything in clearing 25k's worth of debt and how it got to 25k in the first place. What WILL help is coming clean so you can sort it out together. But I'm me and you're you, so....I do get the sense that you're at the end of your tether with this, and I don't blame you.

Sorry I missed the update about it being with family. If you really don’t want to tell your DM just yet you could say that he’s unwell or his new promotion means he now can’t come?

I agree with the others, you need time away from him. You can’t think straight with the amount of manipulation and gaslighting he’s throwing at you

Have you seen enough to know where the 25 k went and his surplus from his salary. Can you see 25k spending above his earnings.

The 30 a month repayment for a holiday you paid for even though he has around 3.5k a month in the bank is weirder than you having to pay for it all in the first place. I'm not going to add anymore negativity. There's enough of that with the sudden negativity about caprine communication. Enjoy your break. Hope it's all just as he says and you can sort it going forward.
I'm surrounded by bleating and love it.😁

I had to look up caprine and your last sentence seemed a little odd until I saw your username

We did the income and expenditure- if it wasn’t for his debts we could be very comfortable right now which makes me so angry. And makes sense when I used to always ask if we could save more money and was confused when he said he couldn’t. The evening ended in an argument again when I asked questions about the timeline of the debt and he got angry saying he’s already answered the same question and he’s not going to be made out to be a bad person for his silly mistakes. He’s also said I can tell my mum but if I do he wouldn’t be able to come on holiday or see her for a considerable amount of time because he’s not going to be ‘shamed’ by her too. So… looks like I’ll prob ring my mum soon then. My DD says she thinks we will have more fun without him on the holiday anyway (I’m not completely convinced having two very lively small people to look after)

DARVO

Is there any chance you can speak to the mother of his teen op ? It looks like this is over now anyway or at least should be . Might give you some closure if you speak to her and she possibly confirms some details he’s hiding?

So he played along with being ‘honest’ up until the point where you asked more questions. Sigh.

Getting angry and having an argument is once again just a perfect way of getting out of answering any of them.

There will be an argument every time you will try to dig deeper into where the money went. He wants to hold all the cards and ‘will not be shamed’ for ‘silly mistakes’. He is likening all of this to a ‘silly mistake’, wow, that’s astonishing. Financial irresponsibility is a huge deal when you have a family.

Your DD telling you it will be more fun without him also suggests/confirms he is not a nice person to be around. It doesn’t sound like she would be bereft in case of separation, based on this.

£25 grand is hardly a silly mistake!

Tell your mother. Don’t keep secrets. Don’t let him dictate what you can and can’t do. He’s trying to emotionally blackmail you on hiding the situation.

From the sound of it, you still haven’t got to the root cause of what’s caused the problem. He’s present your with your current financial situation, but not addressed the past. Ie. What has the money been spent on? I think you still need this information, because if the ‘silly mistake’ was just an overspend, you need to look at it to prevent the same situation occurring in the future (if you do decide to stay together), or you need to determine whether the ‘silly mistake’ was drugs, gaming, women etc.

Now you have your answer. They were only 'silly' mistakes. Mistakes he will not learn from because he is not remorseful and doesn't want to change. He will never be honest with you.

Speak to your mum. Speak to anyone who you think will be supportive. It's not going to be easy, but you know what you need to do.

I’ve read all your replies @Headspangle but still not sure if he’s shown you all his statements yet - you mention spent on basic stuff like pizza Argos etc everyday life

have you actually seen all his bank /credit card statements yet from 5 8/10 yrs ago or he’s still staying no

he earns a decent wage and if he is saying he can pay it back in 4yrs ?

the fact he was so cagey showing you would worry me more

Or have you now seen everything ? You need to see how /where it built up from hundreds ro a thousand to £25k

he sounds dreadful with money. Just as my ex dh was /still is

the constant lying would make me seriously think whether to stay with hin

how can you trust him about anything and will the same thing /debt happen

ex now has Iva’s not paid , I had countless bailiffs coming round to me once we split and I said he didnt live here any more and hasn’t for 2yrs

Don’t let him drag you down

So you still have no idea what the money was spent on and he absolutely will not tell you.
£25k of debt is a “silly mistake”. I’m sure he would not be ok with this if it had been you who had run up a secret debt of this magnitude.
Without understanding how the money was spent how can you have any confidence that things will be different going forward?
I don’t like how he shuts you down with aggression when you ask the questions that anyone would need to ask.

So he’s still minimising his ‘silly mistakes’ and leading you a merry dance. He’s practically blaming you for not just letting this (quite rightly) go.
Tell your mum. Let her judge him because he deserves to be judged! Oh and go on the holiday without him. In fact, I’d be telling him to leave before then.
He's a stupid twat. End of.

Thanks @Blondeshavemorefun and @Princessfluffy . I have seen statements from current account, PayPal credit, his credit score which lists the debts/credit cards and a small bit of one of the credit card statements. He says he’s had debt from before we were togetehr and was already in approx £5k of debt when we moved here . Every time I ask how it increased so much he says it snowballed , he buried his head on the sand or thst he just doesn’t know. I’m not sure what else he can show me that would change anything now as realistically it would be tricky to go back 5+ years ago on statements. I’ve seen all the statements from when he took all the big loans out.
I agree I don’t like how he is responding to me when I ask reasonable questions. He is bringing up grievances from our relationship in general to do with communication etc which he is entitled to express but at the same time is dodging the urgent matter of lying for the entirety of our relationship about money 😕

this Is why my marriage ended. He lied, hid things and then did nothing to repair.

now I am trying to get divorced but it is not easy…

its very hard to recover from. You are not married so you can walk away…

I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Definitely counting my lucky stars we aren’t married but having kids together means I have to deal with him for a long time yet. Do you feel happier now you are not with him at least?

so Much so. I have lost a lot of my financial security and we have DC too, so will always be tied. But I have a wonderful DP now and am happy.

It’s really tough but don’t waste time trying to fathom out why he did this or how to fix it. Move on.

Easy enough to do on the phone to a credit card company and ask for old statements to me emailed to you - well to him

Yes he grateful not married. Not financially tied to him

hes still blocking you so Honestly he isn’t taking you seriously and I would end it

yes it’s easy for to say that but I ended my marriage 2.5yrs ago - I had to. For me and for my daughter

"He is bringing up grievances from our relationship in general to do with communication etc which he is entitled to express but at the same time is dodging the urgent matter of lying for the entirety of our relationship about money"

This is pure DARVO. It's deflection that he's using to escape accountability. You need to ignore that completely and press on.

I myself would become very prosecutorial at this point: I'd refuse to be sidetracked and I'd stick to repeatedly calmly but relentlessly listing the crimes he's committed against you - the lying about the debt he brought into the relationship (not telling you is a DELIBERATE lie by omission), his subsequent financial negligence (and DELIBERATE lies by omission), the lies and attempts to blame you most recently.

Don't forget how you've had to scrimp and save for YEARS. Don't forget the Vinted t-shirts.

Until he accepts what he's done, and takes accountability, seeks professional help, and makes amends, he will never be a financially safe partner OR father, OP.

It's not just £25,000 is it?

If you would be "very comfortably off now" without the debt payments, yet you were scrimping and saving to pay for him to go on holiday with you, then for years he's been spending his salary on stuff you don't know about and then adding debt on top.

And the two most likely candidates for that are gambling and sex workers.

You are nowhere near knowing the truth about what this money was spent on and he continues to gaslight you to stop you finding out.

I fear for your future if you let him back into your life.

100%

Having kids with him means there will be a different set of challenges (possibly around his money issues and whatever is causing them), BUT you'll be on a better financial footing and you'll have more peace knowing you're not in a relationship with someone you can't trust.

(Coming from someone who now happily co-parents with a man who is terrible with money 😂)

@MsPrufrockk I’m glad things are better for you. Unfortunately after doing all the maths it looks like I couldn’t afford to live in our current home alone. Even with universal credit top up etc. He has said ‘if we break up’ he would have to continue living here until we could sell the house (would need to wait at least until after daughters GCSEs) .

Why would you postpone selling the house and continue to live with him ?
The house can go on the market this week.

GCSE's are not until when ? May / June

You could be happily living in your own home by then with all of this behind you.

I certainly wouldn't be taking him away with you and your Mum, you will manage fine with your young children just like you will when you separate from him.