DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

You can’t afford to live there alone, but you as a couple can’t afford to live there either if this is all as he says and the money has been spent on your family living.

I agree with the others who have posted support today. Abuse does come in many forms, it does just have to be physical.

18 months worries me too. He’s already gaslit you into not having the information about where the money has gone and how he’s going to pay the debt back.

You're stressed and ill already and I worry about how much he’s going to erode your remaining boundaries between now and then if you do manage to get to 18 months.

When does your DD finish her GCSES? Is she in Y10 or Y11?

@ExplodingSmittens she’s in year 11 , so it’s really important I don’t unsettle her when she needs to focus on her studies. If I wait it out til she is finishing 6th form then I can have a plan with her moved out and I can focus on finding somewhere for me and the youngest 2

The other thing being that although he has been awful he has said he will do couples counselling / individual therapy so part of me will worry if I just end it now that I could have thrown something away without giving him a chance

Could start to get the house sorted now with a view to putting it on the market say around Feb instead? Easter is really early next year and then she will only have one term left.

You could then look at 2 beds for you and the DC with you sleeping in a sofa bed until DD goes to Uni?

I know it’s not ideal but I can remember you saying that you weren’t getting in with your P before discovering just how much he’s let you all down.

I would probably be grieving the “faked future” and worried about affording to live as a single parent but it really can’t be worse than how short of money he’s been keeping you.

Your DD won’t be stupid either. I’m sure if you said that you were thinking of separating she would prefer that than have you so upset and stressed

Yes I remember you posting about that. Has he arranged any sessions yet and been to them?

We have had an initial assessment for couples counselling but unfortunately is a 2-3 month wait to start. As far as I’m aware he hasn’t booked any individual therapy - I have sent links and had recommendations but I refuse to book it for him.

@ExplodingSmittens where we live now I have zero family support so if we are to move I would only consider moving closer to them which means again waiting it out til my daughter leaves home as I can’t leave her here with her Dad and she understandably isn’t open to moving and leaving all her friends/seeing her dad every week

I’m glad that you’re refusing to book it for him. ADHD has been mentioned too I think? Had he said anything about trying to get assessed?

My gut feeling is though that it’s an addiction of some sort and no Counselling will help him until he’s honest enough with himself to face that he is an addict

Woukd renting for a short time work? The other alternative would be to move before she starts Sixth Form?

I’ve just seen that she isn’t open to moving before Sixth Form. I do get that but have you tried talking to her, preferably somewhere neutral, about what the options are. 18 months seems totally unsustainable, especially if it’s affecting you so much already.

If it gets really bad then the only other option is to ask him to move out and hope he coughs up the additional £ to pay the bills to allow us to stay here until we sell. My youngest are at a challenging age too so them being slightly older would also be a benefit in being able to cope alone. So much to consider and so many people impacted by his selfish actions.

I know the two youngest are difficult and they may get easier with time but they also might get easier if they’re living in a calm house with a happy Mum?

If you’re trying to wait until after 6th form that’s not until May/June 2029. That’s an awfully long time to be stuck in this situation.

@Heylittlesongbird it does sound like a long time but I imagine I’d have house on market by then so really would be decided 6 months before summer 2026 - because it takes so long to sort out, plus finding a new job etc.
Ive ended up telling my mum today, just blurted it out as she asked me why I wasn’t at work. She was really understanding but obviously upset about it. I’ve told DP I’ve told her and now waiting for him to tell me if he’s still coming on holiday or not.

I'm glad you told your mum @Headspangle Good for you to have some RL support.

I know that you didn’t intend to tell your DM but it sounds like a positive step. Hope P isn’t angry with you for telling her

I really feel for you OP it’s hard to decide what to do for the best when there are big and important practical issues like housing and schooling. Hopefully you will feel better for your mum knowing what’s happening.

He was unsurprisingly overwhelmed by it all and lost his shit - not anger towards me but stress at the whole situation and himself. He broke down crying, never seen him so upset - which then sent me into a full blown panic attack which was awful and took a couple of hours to come out of. Dreading the trip is an understatement. I feel completely overwhelmed by life at the moment but tell myself others have been through much worse. It’s hard to see a way out at the moment though.

Can he stay at home to give you some space apart from one another and a chance to think a little?

And I’m sorry about the panic attack, that can’t have been pleasant.

Does your employer have an assistance programme where you could access counselling?

We’d considered it but think it would be too much of a handful with the little ones and I’m too emotional to have to tell everyone last min that he’s not coming - don’t think I could lie. I have referred myself for counselling and should be starting in next couple weeks

Hi. Have you tried speaking to women's aid or similar? I know you want to save your marriage but marriage is a partnership and your 'partner' is not doing anything to help you here and is actively damaging your mental health. I worry that the longer you leave it the more ground down and unwell you'll become.

Are you sure you can't manage on your own with the costs etc? I assume you've done a full budget and accounted for the fact you'd get single person discount on the council tax, you'd be spending less on food, presumably there are other expenses that would be less if he left? Could you extend your mortgage term? Would you be entitled to some free hours for childcare etc?

Great to hear that you are accessing some counselling support for yourself OP, it’s a really stressful and difficult time so I think that’s a great move. You will move through and beyond this current stress and uncertainty, hang in there, really try to be compassionate to yourself and try hard to take good care of yourself. I’m cheering you on.