Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

You should definately go away for a few days if you want a break. He stays home and looks after his kids.

I think you're right to focus on making this as best as you can for the kid, but they're old enough for you to go away for a few days.

You can't protect them from the stupid stunt your deluded husband is trying on, except by trying to keep it civil with their Dad when you're all together.

You don't need to keep living in the same house, not knowing if he's going come home at night, and living with the possibility that he's bring women home - I know a total pig of a man who did this when separated from his wife but living in the same house, with their children.

I think you need to get moving on the house sale ASAP. Or try to get him out - shocking that there isn't a queue of 24 year old women hoping he'll move in with one of them.

And protect the savings you have for the kids if you think he might raid them, I don't know the legal situation, but if in your joint names, could you take 50% out?

Oh lovely my soon to be ex lived in a dream too! For stress reasons my solicitor made him live out of the house. He couldn’t grasp that I had no interest in being best friends still and sorting out his life whilst he persued another

@Smallbrowndog unfortunately the kids savings are in his name only. Big mistake now on my behalf. We filled in the forms last year to get them in joint names but there was a problem with one of them and he never followed up on it. So I can't touch them.

Ive emailed a local solicitor to ask for an appointment ASAP to see what my legal rights are so at least I'll have the information. I need to play the long game and try get him to request the forms for that and I'll make sure they are correct. Will see if he'll agree to that. In the meantime I'll play nice...it will be hard but I have to

Tell him that you need the access as you will need to be able to look after the finances when he is off on his travels?

Yes, good idea. Pretend you are playing along with his fantasy, @PrincessCalley, until all the financials are secured in your name.

I think you need to divorce him and get yourself sorted and independent. He sounds like a total flake.

Sending love will keep an eye out for your updates.

Doesn't he have any family like a DM, DF or siblings?
What on earth are they saying about all this?

I'd be shouting this from the rooftops and making sure that his side of the family know about all this.

@PrincessCalley well done for just trying to keep on keeping on

Well done on the solicitor appointment

Well done on playing the long game

I hope you have support IRL

He does. They know nothing at the moment as far as I know. Again I'm keeping quiet at the moment as I need to keep him on side for now but as soon as I know what I'm doing I'll make it my business to inform them.

Good strategic thinking. I like the idea of putting the kids' savings on your name "since he'll be possibly be inaccessible due to long term travel plans".

Get that STI testing done ASAP. Your husband sounds delusional enough to not be using protection if he's banging other women.

Make sure he can't access your health records. Change passwords and don't use auto fill. You might consider changing beneficiaries of any assets like your pension and changing your will.

Following. He is cheating snapchat is NOT for an older man is a NO NO.

Get your ducks in a row. Why are the kids savings not in a junior ISA? You need to change this ASAP.

You did read that OP is in Ireland, didn’t you? Is a JISA an Irish banking product? Just before you dig your hole deeper.

Good woman.
I cannot tell you how hard this has been for my friend.

However, she has said the only thing that could make this shit show worse for her, was if her children were fxxked over by him ripping them off of what they are entitled to.
It seems he has forgotten how clever his wife is as a former accountant.

She has said she has completely closed herself off to her marriage ending and has detached from it.
She will deal with her emotions after she gets her financial order.
So she has never been quieter and more bidable with him.

Once the financial order is in, he can drop dead as far as she is concerned.

It is hard OP, but keep your mind on the main goal.

Also, if he robs his own children of their money, I would shout it from the rooftops.

I would consider going to the police as a coercive control, financial abuse move.

I would take the position that he deliberately misled you that there was a paperwork problem whilst he was planning his exit and to keep the childrens money.

How much money are we talking about?
Also, no way would i hide it from the children that daddy stole their money.
Absolutely not.

But keep quiet for now as you see can you get this sorted without solicitors.

Obviously these savings should be mentioned if he doesn't co operate with you.

I get not wanting to do anything immediately, but I would worry that he might be deliberately about to put himself in a worse position to screw you over. At least now if he’s working a Court will take that into account. Whereas if, over the next 6 months, he gives up his job and pisses his savings away on travel impressing teenagers in Thailand , as well as an expensive new girlfriend in his ear, he might be advised to ask for spousal maintenance, a share of your pension, and a court is less likely to allow him a much smaller share of the house because he could say that he can’t afford rent. He could even claim that he’s the main caregiver and that he should keep the house and you move out!

Basically I think you’re better off sorting the finances sooner rather than later before his midlife crisis takes over completely. Plus he seems to be screwing you over emotionally too.

Finally as a single parent, wouldn’t life be easier in a smaller place in the town where the kids can be a bit more independent and you can have (hopefully) lower costs for travel etc?

*Heronwatcher. Op has already said “*So would be happy to move”

I agree, keep quiet. Right now stealth and 'secrecy' are your best friends. You need him to feel 'safe' whilst you get legal advice and figure out how you are going to handle things to your (and DCs) best benefit. So yes, the best thing you can do right now is get good legal advice. Knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed. Start to quietly gather or take pics of important financial documents and keep them where he won't find them. But don't move anything that he will notice is gone. At least, not yet.

His 'someone wanted to take me home' and then 'you looked good' are deliberate moves to keep you off balance. He doesn't want you making any decisions that will 'upset' his life so he will continue to make remarks that, as far as he's concerned, leave you confused and unsure. But you really aren't 'unsure', are you? You just need to be able to make your plans quietly. However, there is nothing wrong with telling him to keep his fat flopping piehole shut about his 'social life'. Of course, I wouldn't use those exact words and I wouldn't say anything until he felt the need to mention it again. Maybe "I'd really rather you not tell me about things like that. It's not something I need to know about".

I don't really think there's anything wrong with you wanting a few days away. At 11 and 13 your DC will be fine without you for a couple of days. I know at those ages mine were pretty much capable of managing their own needs. Is your H capable of 'maintaining the household' for a weekend or could you arrange a sleepover for them with friends or a night or two with family?

And you do NOT want to speak a word of his idiocy to his family. And, for now, keep it to those you've already told and be sure they understand the need for total secrecy. You need total secrecy until you've seen a solicitor and figured out what works for you.

I know that right now this feels like a total headfuck. Because that's what it is! But listen, you have reserves of strength that you don't even know you have. Focus on yourself. Don't be distracted by his bullshit. You can do this.

@PrincessCalley

This.

@PrincessCalley excellent advice from @AcrossthePond55

Keep your plans under wraps and ignore the mean comments one day, compliments the next.,. that is designed to confuse you and keep you giving him the benefit of the doubt.

It would be in your interests not to wait a year before you can put the house onthe market since the upkeep is already exhausting you and he's doing notthing. and who knows if he will have taken off before then.

So I'd make it a priority to find out where you could go for advice about the roof issue and whether you need to do it if it takes a year or if you could sell with a reasonable reduction to take it into account. An estate agent should know. Or maybe whoever sets the regulations for it.

But make sure you don't get stuck with the bill to ask the solicitor for legal agreement so that you recover anything you spend on the roof or preparing the house for sale ( I think, it would help you if you got house cleaners /gardeners/ packerts/ handyman/decorators in since he's not going to help) Get a list of recommendations from the Estate Agents so its not just you saying it needs doing.

Also if he's not co-operating re the Children's accounts find out if it can be put on record that he cannot empty the accounts during a divorce and they must remain with the children for their use. (Building soc and solicitor would know how to deal with this)
As pp said New will and pension beneficiaries.

You definitely need a break. Imagine being in your own place, having made sure that you have some certainty in your life and will not have to worry about what he does or doesn't do, Make him supervise them and off you go x

What a prince, boasting to his wife like that. It makes me sick just reading about it. You are doing really well under the pressure! Keep going and hopefully you’re able to get more breathing room soon.

Agree. This is not healthy, he wants to have his cake and eat it.