Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

I know right. It has taken me a bit of time to process this. But now I want to press him on a few things. Like when is he planning on travelling, how will he fund it etc. I had already suggested maintenance for the kids and he was not in favour of this at all. His suggestion was we discuss things as they arise. Not workable. But I am sitting on this for now and will continue to pay for them. I want to appear fully invested in what he is proposing for now and get as much information as i can before I reveal my own plans.

A trick I heard Caitlin Moran say is switch it over. How would it go down if you’d met a gorgeous 24 year
old at the gym and you wanted to go off and travel and he can do the day to day drudge. How would that go
down?! Or is it one rule for him and one for you?

Everyone else has already covered the main points. tell him to get fucked.

He wants the penny AND the bun. This is not fair on you or your children and would not set them a good example of how to treat a partner. In OR out. Stay OR leave. Ya cain't have it both ways, feller!

Wow! He sounds delusional. Mid-life crisis is mild for what he appears to be experiencing!

As you’ve said, you’re a clever lady, and will figure it out. However, in your shoes, I’d be doing what is best for myself and the children. For me that would be selling up and letting him deal with his existential crisis on his own! I’d take a hit in finances to do that too, because the children are already picking up on what’s going on around them, and that isn’t healthy for them or you!

It’s A shame something seems to be holding you back from taking steps now, however, that doesn’t mean you can’t make legal and other enquiries, starting your plan in. Option so you’re ready when the time comes.

I’m sorry your husband is acting like a pratt!

He's also lying to me about Snapchat. He doesn't use it anymore.

I agree..
@PrincessCalley you said "I have asked what happens when the kids move out (go to college etc) this is where the 2 houses come in. I wont move again when it would become just the 2 of us in the house."

Why does he think he can mpose his plans on you?
He sounds bloody unbearable to live with now. he doesn't contribute to family life or help with the very large property you are in at the moment.
What would it be like when your DC have moved out in less than 7 years maybe and your are stuck keeping house and being maid of all work, and probably the breadwinner too for the world traveller?

He wants to sell your house for 900k.. take half, spend it and then come back to take half the £450 you have managed to get from the house sake, when you eventually divorce.

You don't have to make decisions now but for Gods sake. Get legal advice so you know what your options are. Now that he's coming out with these ripping yarns, it means that he's been thinking ahead and making plans. He sounds like a complete and utter CON MAN.
You need to be prepared and ready so that any decision you make is based on proper facts and reasoning of what you can and can't realistically do.

Get an estate agent or two in when he is out and get a sensible view on
the house value,
the time to do the roof thing (whether you need to get it done and how much it will cost - or if you could drop the price without doing it for a quicker sale)
Look at the 3/4beds near Dublin that you mentioned are going for £450 and size them up.
You are still in your 40s.. and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let him make the decisions on how its going to work out.
Edited to add. Lots more employment opportunities for you and eventually DC if you move nearer to Dublin.
Also just seen your update.. I think you are very wise to draw him out and get as much info as you can, whilst you decide what to do.

Play the long game. I'm guessing he is having an affair with a younger woman who wants him to finance her traveling for a while. He might already have plans made and be about to pull a whole lot of money. Don't confront him, tell him you need time to think about his bullshit (but don't call it that).

If you can get his phone, I would. Run a credit check. I'd be ready to pull half the funds out of joint accounts if he starts pushing you with a time frame.

See a lawyer as soon as possible. Get a hold of any financials you can, pension, investments, everything. Get proof you paid more into the house if available. I would actually have divorce papers ready to go because I think it's quite possible he is going to disappear on you.

And get your STI checks.

Yes, keep you powder dry until you've got legal financial and tax advice, and get your ducks in a row. Then launch your counter proposals in a well argued, clear and assertive manner. I think you need to weigh up whether he's intending abandoning all support for the children while he is off travelling the world with his midlife crisis on his arm. Try to sought out legal.separation even if you don't divorce.

I appreciate your updates; you do sound as if you're on top of things, and fortunate to not be in a position where you'd struggle when you do finally separate.

Please let us know how this plays out. I'm intrigued. I'm not at all surprised that he's balking at the idea of maintenance and all of those details which would accompany a real separation. He has almost certainly got someone he's infatuated with and 'travel' is a 100% easier when you don't have to put all your items in storage here and actually pay for everything involved in that process.

Your husband wants to do exactly what he likes while still keeping his eye permanently on you. Has he ever discussed what it might look like when you move on and start having boyfriends or other partners? If he wants to separate then do it your way. He has his place you have yours and he has zero control or input into what goes on in yours.

What do you want OP. Focus upon your needs and those of your DC. Do what's best for you.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I wouldn’t rule it out because - from experience- separation is a nuclear bomb to the finances. However as others have said this is certainly driven by his urge to cake-eat. The awkward bit is that the kids might be happier if you stay sharing a home.

I remember you! Sounds like he wants to keep you there. Do what YOU want and whatever suits YOU.

I’m glad OP has a clear head. Please stay this way and take everything he says with a grain of”pinch of salt”. IMO don’t waste time. Seek legal advise without him knowing and work out what you need to start doing to protect t yourself and the kids. First would be to ensure your percentage on the house. Your inheritance maybe classed as a marital asset? So seek advise on what you need to do to get the ball rolling. I’d start getting the house sorted for listing. De clutter and explain to the kids the future may look like. Just so they are aware they are also involved. I’m worried he has mistaken your kindness for weakness. Iv seen this play out a lot. Midlife crisis at its best. He will screw up and then realise what he had. Snap chat WTAF? Young girls are another thing nowadays, so if his money is going down the drain it will be linked to that! If he is trying it with someone else it never lasts long!!!! These girls are happy for the attention and gifts but don’t want to deal with the actual man child. Good luck mumma but don’t wait for this to play out! Take charge of your future. Iv heard this somewhere before… if your on the wrong train, get off at the next station. Don’t let yourself waste time travelling to the wrong destination. Xx

What a monster. Call women's aid and tell them about his fantasies and that you're in your 40s and have need stability to bring up emotionally resilient children. Dump him, never look back and I hope you find a stable, trustworthy man. P.S. he'll come back crawling after everybody dumps him. Please don't take him back. He's a prodigal.

What are his plans for his children while he is swanning off round the world? You, I suppose.
i can see what’s in in it for him, but not for you.

Divorce. Take him to the cleaners.
if you don’t resent him now you will eventually.

A classic have cake and eat it ok. If I were you I’d spend a little time deciding what you want before replying what you want.

With a man like this, if I was blinded by the sun, I would double check it was daylight myself before I would believe him.

Men like this are liars to their core. Don't believe a word from him, not one word.

Every bit of everything agreed needs to be locked in and written down.
No "gentlemens agreement" in any shape or form.

Rottweiler legal representation a pre requisite.

My friend is in the middle of the most shocking divorce with a man she wouldn't have believed it of.
It's my son's very close friends parents. Boys still at university.
28 years married and he has had his dick turned by a young one in the office.
He's trying to shaft her in the divorce with hidden money, investments.

She is determined to protect their substantial wealth for their children.
He's about to sign a false financial declaration thinking she doesn't know.

She's an accountant and she retained a forensic accountant which every woman should do if there is even a possibility of money being hidden.
The judge will view his false declaration very harshly.
Presently she is being very calm, measured and reasonable.
He thinks he has pulled a fast one.

Even she is truly stunned by what she has found out he hid, for more than a decade.

She really thought they were reasonably happily married. Two lovely daughters and a son.
All lies.

On a personal note, it actually had me take a look at all our money, which is substantial, to see everything is in order!

Trusting women get screwed.

Agree with the others OP.

He wants to go and relive his 20’s, probably feels like he’s ’missed out’ on a lot, wanting his cake and eating it, shag about, live like a single man but still wants someone cleaning, cooking and looking after the kids and the house. Absolutely not. I hope you know your worth OP and say no thanks.

I am so sorry OP. Reading all your replies I think it’s pretty clear he is either having an affair (emotional or physical) or is actively looking for one. The whole travelling thing is perhaps pie in the sky dreams, the real risk here to you is he decides to try and financially shaft you to fund a footloose (read - low child responsibility ) lifestyle with new woman half his age. Feels like he’s either interviewing candidates or taking this time getting to a position with an affair partner that he’s comfortable enough to risk his life with you for the new relationship. Definitely you should get some legal advice ASAP.

Only you can decide at what stage you want to pull the trigger on this situation, get yourself in best position and spend this time figuring out what you want and what you can live with. Eg if you find out he’s had an affair, if he comes crawling back can you forgive it? Some can (Mumsnet is big on LTB but in reality a lot of affairs are worked through). Not sure I could forgive. If not and if you think he hasn’t yet made this step, I’d make that clear - if you do X, this will be over, no ‘hall pass’ is being issued for your midlife crisis etc. make sure he knows can’t have his cake and eat it. I’m sure many of us 40 somethings like the fantasy of a fling with a hot young thing but wouldn’t want to lose our comfy married life. So we choose not to do it! He may think he can have both. You can decide he doesn’t get to. I actually think that sitting down once you have legal advice and laying it out for him - upon divorce our marriage is permanently over, you will have X money to buy another home, custody/maintenance costs etc. Ask him - This will be your new life, do you want the reality of this? Maybe he does. If so you’re better knowing sooner than later really.

And then, in a couple of years when he's getting a bit old for being down with the young 'uns, he'll move back in with you and resume family life. Lucky you!*

He gets the freedom to pursue 24-y-o's while you shepherd his DCs through their teens while he's surfing the dating pool, and hd doesn't even have to give up the family home!

• unless the 24-y-o becomes permanent and he dec.ides he wants his half share now

He can fuck off and permanently, what is it with these cheeky fuckers out there! Why don't you tell him, he can leave to travel the world to find himself with crystals in hand. You'll be staying put in the family home until the children are 18 and ask for his abroad abode so you can send him the divorce papers to sign. He wants the single life but with a doting wife, don't be a doormat and even consider his wants and wishes. Time to be thinking of number 1, 2 & 3. No 4 here in this equation, nope

You have to put yourself and your children first and leave him to sort himself out. Seek legal advice asap and ascertain what you would be entitled to. Make sure you buy a house for yourself and kids that you can afford without him being involved in case he disappears off and doesn't pay anything towards the kids. He is being completely selfish suggesting living together but apart as you will end up doing everything without any of the benefits of being married. Don't even entertain his ridiculous ideas, tell him you want to separate and live apart.