Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

Oh a mannexe might work.

Build him a garden pod to Snapchat in, it won't be much expensive than moving and getting one or two mortgages.

Agree with pp in the UK re: staying in the family home until the youngest is 18 would buy op time for getting ducks in a row.

I bet he will ask OP to pack his suitcase for his travels. Has he always taken you for mug?

I can’t actually believe I’m reading this and he thinks he can dictate where you live and what you do while he fucks off on his travels. If my DH had said any part of this I would have laughed at him in his face and thrown him out on his arse.

Hi OP

sorry to hear you are going through this, it’s horrible

I suggest you listen to ‘need a little time’ by the Beautiful South

and put yourself first xx

I'm not sure of the situation in Ireland re fault divorce but does it matter if he is having an affair or not? He wants out so he can ' travel'. He is possibly sniffing round making a nuisance of himself and hassling a 24 year old. Take him at his word, tell him you need to house the kids so you want a 70/30 split and a divorce so he can have a shag pad in Dublin with his portion. He's told you what he wants and it's ridiculous so you tell him what you want.

Starting point for splitting assets is 50-50. If you put inheritance £s into family home that potentially converted it into a marital asset. To have a better chance of trying to argue for the lion’s share you’d be better divorcing sooner rather than later. When kids are grown you’d just be 2 single adults.
As for all his half in, half out suggestions, they’re ridiculous. You’re either in a relationship with all the security and benefits, or completely single with all the freedom and choice. Anything in between is someone hedging their bets.

What happens to the kids when he is off in China or South America? He sounds like a selfish twat. Absolutely no way no how I would give this any credence. You want to leave - fine. Leave. But the house will not be sold whilst the kids are at school.

It sounds like he wants to divorce bur cant afford it so needs your money ie if you sell the house and split the funds he wont have the big house he wants, just get divorced and both move on

Nope, and nope again!

Like others I suspect he just wants the idea of dropping everything when he feels
like it and then returning to the family home for a bit of home comfort at will. Absolutely not happening. It will be incredibly confusing for the kids and what if one of you meets someone else?

I agree, get something for you and the kids in town and he should get somewhere separate. Not next door but reasonably close. Assuming you’re going to have the kids for the majority of the time (surely he’s fine with that if he’s going to be finding himself in Vietnam or similar?) you should get the bigger place and he can manage wirh something smaller. Or you could do nesting if you could face it where the kids stay in one place but then the parents swap. But overall, absolutely not to his mad ideas.

Also I strongly suspect know, with the Snapchat, gym friends, travel plans and general mid-life crisis he’s either dating already or planning to very soon. So just be prepared for that.

Actually I would be pushing for a 70/30 split - he's obviously going to be in no position to be paying child maintenance while he's shagging his way around the world, so you need to ensure your children's lives aren't put on hold for his benefit. Point out that you're only wanting his share of the children's costs while there are funds available.

Please be a little more proactive OP, for your children's sakes if not yours. Start divorce proceedings, have a good dig around in finances, get copies of documents and invest in a SH divorce lawyer.

this advice is excellent - it is very important to engage a solicitor
who will take instruction and find ways to implement them -

I settled on a truly laconic one who said Ok! when I laid
out my stall
in a small town they all tend to know each other, get in quick
with your deliberate choice.
He was not particularly empathetic but he didn’t need to be,
I had eye rolling friends for that.

My declaration was that the children, young teens, teens,
could see their father whenever they wanted, I would not
(could not) prevent this,
let the facts speak for themselves.
As someone upstream has said, exH may behave through separation
in ways which could surprise dismay or shock you, be prepared.

Good luck OP and anyone going through this awful period or about to
enter the tunnel.
It’s important to eat properly, take a multivitamin daily, eschew alcohol,
do not underestimate the need for or power of restful sleep.

OP please do not be a passenger in this transition, seize the reins,
divorce and restructure.

(I realise you are hampered by your one year wait obligation)

@PrincessCalley would you be willing to discuss things with your brother? Are your parents still around? I recognised your user name. When you were hurt over your brother inheriting, you were asked if your parents thought you likey to divorce, you said, "not unless they know something I don't ". Perhaps they did. You were paying off the mortgage with what they were giving you. I agree this is the time to paper trail that. If you both have access to your children's savings, I'd empty them. I think you are right that he's gone jnto fantasy land with another friendship group and another woman.

Take your time to think about what suits you.
Try to set yourselves up with a two bed each in a location that works for each of you.

Can you purchase one together as an investment and rent it out?

Try to have as little disruption to your kids as possible until they are 20.

What does DH say to you each going off on adventure in turn.? A month for him, a month for you, repeat? He needs to get a clear message as to how difficult it will be for you to be a lone parent.

Hi ladies, it might not sound it from my posts but I'm fairly savy and will work this out. I am taking everything you are saying on board. The idea of moving is one I've been toying with for a while so as ye say he's playing on that. It's always been in my plans but maybe ye are right to stay put for now. Will give this some thought. I will never be able to buy him out without a remortgage and to service that would prove challenging. I have a good job. It pays in the high 10s but with the cost of everything it would be hard to pay that too. And unfortunately I earn to much yo qualify for any state or college supports. Some of the things that have been mentioned are starting to raise other suspicions. We have never shared finances but money does seem to be an issue on his part even though he would have a good job too. I know where my money is going but not so sure about his. Although maybe he is just a miserable b*llocks and its taken me until now to see. I have some of my own money put away and it's safe but there is one area I'm not happy about and will broach this during the week.

At the moment the kids are the most important thing to me and meeting someone isnt on my radar but time will pass and I could see myself wanting to. We currently can live together in that our house is big enough to give each other space so moving can take a back seat for now. If he wants space he knows where the door is.

Just a question - would the inheritance not be seen as a marital asset anyway? Whether it was used to help pay off the mortgage or just sitting in a bank account somewhere - is everything not put into the pot and then split? Unless the inheritance had been ring-fenced somehow?

(merely asking out of curiosity because I am not entirely sure how these things work).

That’s precisely my point - how will they deal with this rejection of their whole life, their mum, themselves?

He wants to use your house as a hotel whenever he feels like it. Sod that sell up and move on.

This. Come on op, wake up. And if youre having the kids 100% of the time while he "goes travelling' then you're going to need all the assets to look after your kids. I'd love to see the look on any Judge's face while he proposes this plan.

Find your anger and get him out. He's had his head turned and has lost the plot. The sad sack.

Please don't entertain this nonsense.

So beautifully put

Even if you think he may be straight up with his finances, spending money on a forensic accountant IS money well spent.
In my experience with friends, it has covered itself tenfold with a few unexpected findings.

Secondly, I would 100% go along with his long term plans of maybe getting back together, living together in a vague sense, if it gets you a final financial order and divorce that you are happy with.

He is living in fairyland with his long term plans that he thinks he can set up just so.

He gets to head off and have his adventures of every kind, divorced and free, and you there to pick up again if and when he needs it.

If he gets a whiff that keeping you happy with a generous divorce, will provide him with a soft landing if required, he may well do it.
Box clever.

My good friends close friend found herself in this situation some years ago when her husband was found to be having a midlife crisis in the form of a younger colleague, who was on secondment from the US for 2 years.
He just needed to do this apparently. 🙄

She boxed clever, made the right noises, and got an excellent divorce, 75% of their lovely large home morgage free and the two teenager children full-time.
They both worked full-time in good careers.

The ink wasn't dry on the divorce and she put the house up for sale, got a great price, moved into the nearest city and bought a nice little house for herself and the teenagers, and a small two bed flat convenient for the university her children would be going to, which she rented out until they needed it.

She future proofed life for herself and the kids within 18 months.
His fling inevitably finished within the year,(he was dumped for another colleague) but there was no question of any soft landing, they had moved on.

He was a lost mess for a while and then met some woman 15 years younger, and had two under two in 3 years. What a joke.
Back with young children when his elder children were both enjoying university.

He admitted his huge regrets to his Ex, felt very sorry for himself.
His new wife took zero bullshit from him and he was run ragged in his 50's with young children and a busy career paying for it all.

She's single still living her best life, no interest in another relationship.

Playing the long game can really be advantageous.

Nope. Create distance. The risk of ill health increases as someone gets older. You don't want to end up looking after him. If you're living in the same house this will be inevitable. There are also implications if the house has to be sold for care.

Put yourself and your kids first. Be ruthlessly practical.

I wonder whether the "travel" is actually a cover story for him moving in with whichever woman he is shagging (or planning to) for a few months.

What do YOU want. Forget what he wants he's actually now irrelevant to your future happiness.

He's leaving, he doesnt get to dictate how, when and where this happens.

Exactly this. People write divorce so you get maintenance and he gets the kids half time. Actually the uk law won’t oblidge him to do anything. Loads of fathers do not pay and never see their kids. In Switzerland the judge establishes some duties for both parents and they are inforceable or they lose their rights. In the uk a parent can never see their kids but have rights on them, making the life of mothers a living hell if they want to move, expatriate or do anything. The law is very unfair and totally skewed towards men, as they are ones who disappear 95% of cases. Add that in the majority of cases they are also the high earners, in the uk for a woman is still more convenient financially to make it work like in this case than separating. That’s why loads of women accept situations like the one here and condone mistresses. They would be way poorer and they will end up totally alone.

Honestly how did he suggest this with a straight face? It’s absolutely outrageous