Women without children, how did your life turn out?

[AnyPomegranate]

I'm 29F and don't want children. I'm having a terrible time dating - most men want children and the ones who don't are commitment-phobe types who don't want a long-term monogamous relationship (let alone marriage).

Women who are childfree by choice, how has your life turned out? Did you ever meet your husband and if so, were you both actively childfree when you met or was it just something you fell into? If you didn't meet a partner, are you happy with your childfree life or do you wish you'd chosen differently?

I'd love to hear your experiences. Thank you x

We all die alone @AnyPomegranate in the sense that no-one dies for you. That is somewhat comforting to me as I approach old age sans children, as I'm fairly sure I will die alone. Then again, I agree with those posters who say their children are not there to look after them. Yes, you may have enough money if you're child-free to pay for carers or join forces with other child-free couples for retirement living and caring arrangements. My story: realized I didn't want kids when I was a child myself, which as others have pointed out, is a lot different from 'just not now'. There's a whole group of characteristics that go with being child-free. When I was a child, someone bought me a baby doll that 'wet' itself in the shower. I remember staring at it horrified like it was an alien species before running for my life. Needless to say it went in the bin. No other takers. Also liked teddy bears, dinosaurs, animals, toy cars, ships, action man and leggo. Met my wonderful DH when I was 37 and he was 34. Went out of my way to drill into him that I never wanted kids. He said it wasn't a deal-breaker, and it wasn't. Both good careers - me in publishing; him in transport. Our favourite holidays were scuba diving during the more affordable term times. I retired at 52 and enjoy, writing, reading, gardening, nature, sport - all things that are very good for you. I'm 63 now. My DH has some health issues. I'm 100% here to try and get him through them. On that, I would just mention that if I were a man looking to date you, as a child-free woman you would be a pretty good bet for me. Many Mums on here point out that their partner comes second to children which I totally understand. But if you're child-free in the true sense, the partner always comes first. There is no other distraction. So you men out there with your egos and your insecurities, just know this. You're number 1 to a child-free woman. I've held a baby once in my life. I've never changed a nappy. I am glad I've never inflicted myself on a child. Like others, I don't think I would make a good mother. I also, truly believe I would be driven to mental illness or suicide if I had a child, which as you'll probably agree is a lot different to 'just not now'. Good luck with your journey.

Just to say this sounds like my dream life haha, super happy for you and I would say you it seems like you definitely made the right choice!

Fantastic!

I find this whole topic very interesting. I was ambivalent about having children. In fact when I was 29 I never gave any thought whatsoever, I was all about career and travel and cocktails and having fun!

Like you, I never had any interest in other peoples babies, never held them, never felt broody. Still don’t tbh now I’m in my 40s!

I met a man who was moderately interested in becoming a parent and decided to take the plunge. We had a couple of kids in our mid 30s. He’s very much a hands on parent and does as much if not more than I do with them. He’s gone part-time in his job and I’ve stayed full-time and that suits us well. I love my kids dearly but I would hate to be a stay at home parent. The four of us are a unit and particularly now they’re older I love going on adventures together.

I would never have described myself as actively child free at 29. It just wasn’t on my radar at all and even once I was older, I was ambivalent about it.

I guess my point is, you’re really young to make a firm decision about this. You may be one bit stage further on the me where you actively do feel that you don’t want to be a mother and that’s totally fair but if you’re just in the ambivalent camp, you never know what might happen!

Would you tell a 29 year old woman who was actively trying to conceive that she’s very young to make such a decision?

Yes I think 29 is too young to have a baby personally.

Absolutely fine, thanks - why wouldn't it? Married at 24, still married to same husband at 61. Enjoyed various jobs/careers, now retired and volunteering. Have friends, hobbies and zero stress. Being childfree is brilliant.

I’m in my fifties. I know one person who is childfree by choice because she had three younger siblings she had to look after as a teenager and that was enough childcare for her. She’s American and pretty happy, but she does have her younger siblings and their families.

Otherwise it is really extraordinarily rare in our age group and above in the U.K. to be childless (as it was termed until a few years ago) by choice. All my childless friends had relationship failures at key times, or could not have children (two had husbands who couldn’t.) None actively chose it, although some would portray it that way until you knew them well.

They all lead active lives with lots of friends, some have partners, many are on antidepressants.

Really ? I knew I wanted babies since- well for as long as I could remember. By the time I got pregnant I had been using contraception for 10 years- that is a long time. A women is fertile from 13-43 for most women mid 20's is pretty much in the middle of that I struggle to see how 29 is too young.

I have a friend who couldn’t have children for medical reasons and she struggled dating in her 20s because she wasn’t willing to settle but also wanted reassurance that the man wouldn’t want kids in the future and it would be a huge mess and inevitable break up.

She found it much easier in her 30s when more men had seemingly resolved one way or another on the child front and is now mid 30s and in a long term relationship.

Is there any particular reason you’re very keen to be dating if you’re not chasing the biological clock so to speak? Take your time so you don’t make a misstep and just enjoy yourself!

I actively looked for a partner who also didn't want children. We met on Tinder around age 30 (8 years ago) and he has completely changed my life for the better. We are civilly partnered now and have a really good quiet life together, living in a beautiful house in the countryside with some rescued animals and creating our dream garden full of trees, flowers and food.

We're still young so who knows how things will turn out when we're older, but we regularly talk about how we're glad we don't have children and are happy to be aunt and uncle instead!

Agree that you don’t actually have to give up as much of your life and career as some people think you do - some people married to crap men who do nothing may have to but the choice is not SAHM or child free!

I have a career, work full time and also have two children as a single mother who I absolutely adore but wouldn’t ever consider being a SAHM for!

I had my first at 28 though so disagree with you on youth - some women are ready earlier and I certainly saw enough friends struggle with fertility issues that I wasn’t taking any chances waiting too long and then struggling to conceive.

So weird that I’ve never seen you post in the TTC boards on here telling women under their mid-30s that they shouldn’t be having babies.

I refer you to my above post - you're either too young to be a mother, or you're too old, etc etc...

I think it's one thing if you're ambivalent towards children and haven't really thought about it, but I think for me I have thought about it and I actively lean childfree. I disagree that I'm too young to think about this - I got into a relationship in my early 20s when children weren't really on my radar, then we ended up breaking up 5 years later because we eventually disagreed on the kids issue. I really don't want to risk the same thing happening again, especially when I'm getting older and it gets potentially harder to find a partner.

That said, I'm still open - I might hit 40 and be overwhelmed with maternal feeling, who knows! But right now I really don't want them so want to plan accordingly.

Whether you want to be a mother or not is less important than whether the child will be healthy and have a good life. Maybe the OP has decided that it's not right to bring a child into this world or doesn't want to pass on her genes for health reasons, etc. One's desire to procreate shouldn't override rational decision making or compassion for the child, and obviously waiting to have children later is risking the health of those children, or risking miscarriage which means the baby suffering.

Thank you for the insight! It's good to hear that it got better as she aged.

Honestly, I think I'm just conscious that the dating pool is only getting smaller and smaller the older I get. Most people my age are coupled up and married, so the single people I see are either (i) people like me who are recently out of serious relationships or (ii) people who are chronic singletons for a reason - commitment-phobes, unappealing to women for whatever reason, etc. Group (ii) is obviously no good and Group (i) is only going to get smaller and smaller as the years go on.

The other thing is that society tells women our 'market value' drops off a cliff after 30 and all the men in their 30s are chasing women in their 20s. I don't know how true that is but it doesn't make me feel great.

Each to their own but the stats put 29 right in the middle...

"Women aged 30 to 34 years have the highest conception and birth rates, closely followed by women aged 25 to 29"

Maybe you'll feel broody and be sad about the things you'll miss out on, but those aren't good reasons to have children. I've felt broody before, but I know it's my hormones desperately trying to get me to "set seed" like a plant before I lose the ability! All my reasons for not having children still stand. I don't want them to suffer, I don't want them to inherit autism from me in this cruel, noisy world, I don't want them to spend their lives working, I don't want them to have to face the severe difficulties of a possible climate crisis.

I have older siblings both around the 50 mark and they have opted to be partnerfree and childfree. I don’t ask them to explain themselves but in turn they don’t ask why I have a husband and DC. Agree with a PP, neither choice is wrong.

Good luck, OP!

It depends what else you are doing with your life. 29 would have cut my career off just as it was getting started. I had mine at 38 and 41 and because by then I was quite senior I could easily afford childcare. Albeit I would not have worked full time if part time had been an option, it wasn’t in my line of work.

I was wondering the same as PP. Does it matter if they decide they want children later and leave ( relationships break up for all sorts of reasons, including men deciding they don't want kids just after they have impregnated someone!) or they are commitment phones if you just have love and companionship for a short time? The ' commitment phobe' may just decide he wants to commit after all. You can't tell. Especially at such a young age. Go out and enjoy yourself without wondering about the what ifs'! You have a long road ahead and no reason to really commit to one person unless you find that one person who wants to commit to you too and doesn't want kids either, but you never know unless you try. Frankly if it wasn't for my kids I'd be single and foster greyhounds!

I never wanted children. I got the usual “you’ll change your mind” 🤮

I met my husband when I was 32 and he was 36. He can’t have children and I don’t want them, so we’re a good match (he wasn’t particularly interested in having kids and found this out only when he was with his ex).

I have an amazing life. I’m now 41. I’ve just been promoted for the second time at work. I love my job. I have a lovely house, a fancy car and I go on lots of lovely holidays. My time outside of work is my own. I go to the gym, the cinema, out for food, meet friends etc or just lay in bed or watch telly to my heart’s content.

I recognise how hard having children is and never wanted that. I’m so glad I didn’t have children.

I would never date a man that had children or wanted children. That obviously limits the options available, but I’d also happily be single.

I never wanted children and have ended up in my own. I’m not unhappy about that but as my other siblings are married with children I have ended up as a general dogsbody doing all the care for my aging parent.
Also, if you don’t marry and reproduce you are generally treated worse than the siblings that do as you are basically a dead end on the family tree.

To be fair, I wouldn''t tell a 29 year old woman they were too young, that probably the optimal age health wise. That said, someone could have told me at age twelve that I was too young to know that I didn't want children. That someone would have been entirely incorrect.

That's very hard. Can you step back from the caring a bit? I don't think that parents have the right to use their children as care.